siguro

hindi ko na nakikita
sa mga mata ko
ang dating kasiyahan

hindi ko na napapansin
sa aking paligid
ang dating ikinatutuwa

hindi ko na nararamdaman
sa aking puso
ang dating hinagpis

ngunit bakit hindi ko maiwasan
ang pagsulpot mo
sa aking gunita

hindi ko na nakikita, napapansin o nararamdaman
ang isang katulad mo
pero hindi rin kita malimutan

siguro kahit anong pilit ko.

sad little girl

A sad little girl in a big world
Nothing seems to fit
As soon as she rises from the ashes
She gets shot back down by unknown forces.

She might try
She might fail
Trying all the same is a burden
Let her lie down and just sleep the pain away

Pondering about what the hell is wrong with her
Is it her personality? Or her looks?
Or the ways she walks or talks?
She lies in bed, crying every night.

Nobody knows.
No one will.
The sad little girl will never be okay.

Routine

It's all in a routine. Every step, every small thing I do, it's nothing but a routine.

another final attempt to save the fish

To speak is to mean risking the strength I've gathered
To let those words out of my mouth is to mean putting my heart in your hands
To speak is to mean opening up my soul to you
To let those words out of my mouth is to mean hearing your answer.


These words are probably the hardest ones that will come out from my mouth
Harder than supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
or pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis
These words that I haven't said in quite a long time
Means having to thresh out every sad memory.


To confess my love for you means saving a fish, no matter how injured it is.

on this rainy night

*opens umbrella*

The rain is falling quite hard tonight. As you watch your steps, you wonder when this rain is going to stop. And yet, you keep wondering and do not even bother to look for shelter. You try to enjoy every step, every sight, every different person you see. 

It's just not the same.

Your hand feels the empty void. You think to yourself, "there's no one there."

You are alone.

Next scene.

You are alone in a taxi cab and the rain is still pouring. You can't see quite clearly the plate number of the cab so you could inform anyone that you might be in danger, just in case. But, you remember...

You are alone.

Your fingertips ache for the electric feeling of touching another person's fingertips.

Your lips hunger for the breathtaking kiss of another.

Your body yearns for the warmth only another body can offer and not even a blanket can fill.

On this rainy night,you are alone.

the joy of not knowing

The lights are turned on..
Sound is everywhere.
But it is only you that I see, that I hear, that I feel.
It just doesn't add up anymore.

I stepped outside your world.
And you didn't even bother to call me back.
But now that I'm back,
It isn't quite the same.

You laugh and I wish your voice magically stopped.
You look at me and I wish your eyes would feel
Feel me. Feel what my eyes are trying to tell you.
You do not know. You do not know anything.

what street?

I decided to walk today.

The street, full of people and not-so-familiar faces, isn't the same as it used to be. Wasn't it the same street where you walked me home? Or the same street where you made me laugh? Was it the same street that you hurt me, without meaning to?

And yet, as I walked along that same street, I felt everything had changed. The way I walked now on this street was different. And no, I no longer look at the restaurants where we ate. I don't go out torturing myself on remembering what happened in that table. And no, I don't look at your place anymore just in case you might happen to come out. I still do remember you. Your laugh, your adorable t-shirts, your lean body which would instantly take away every bad feeling I had, you were my everything.

And yet, I was nothing.

I'm walking alone on this street. I guess that wasn't the change.

An unexpected e-mail

I was quite shocked when I read this e-mail. This was a year ago and I am quite happy with the state that I am in now.
I'm not with him, however I feel like I made a good decision and that was to move on with my life. And I am glad that I turned out to be the person I wanted to be.


So much for 2010.


The following is an e-mail from the past, sent through FutureMe.org
It was composed on Thursday, July 15, 2010, to be sent on Friday, July 15, 2011: 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear FutureMe, 


I hope you made the right decisions. By that time, either you've fallen out of love and have someone else or you're with him. You better make a good decision. I'm begging you.

I hope by that time, you don't feel so inferior anymore and you feel beautiful inside and out. Someone will love you for what you are and what you believe in. It just takes time.

I hope you are the person you wanted to be.

Decision

I wrote this a really long time ago...but the feelings are the same as I'm typing it.
________________________________________________________________________________

Feet entangled in this dance
Knees shaking but slightly confident
Do I enter the room or not?
Battle in my head again, two brave soldiers.

The years are passing
I am still the same
No changes, nothing
I am still in that battle, two brave soldiers.

Soldiers who cannot take the leap
Soldiers who cannot take the risk
Soldier, you cannot do anything
You will stay here and...

Who knows?
Because you are still in that battle.
DECIDE.

change

Apparently, I'm not that comfortable with change yet. :(

what's in tears?

The tears are running out.


Which incidentally made me wonder, what are tears? The mere manifestation of one's sadness? Other than the obvious that tears are composed of water,mineral salts,antibodies & lysozyme (bactericidal enzyme), does it enclose a couple of memories that we're willing to get out of our system? Does each drop signify finally letting go and moving on or subjecting yourself to another heartbreak? Does it really help take the pain away?


I've always pictured that it would be a lot easier if tears carried our memories together. After all, the heartbreak has happened. What am I to do with the memories you left me? Would I be benefiting from it? Would I be able to make a living out of it by telling our stories of laughter and that time you walked me home by telling my friends about it? 


What am I going to do with these bucket of memories now that I'm finally letting you go?




I wish the tears I endlessly cried for you took care of it.

Let's play pretend

It’s a cold day outside and you wish to feel warm. What is it about today? Ah yes, it’s his birthday. You feel like shit today and it doesn’t really matter because you woke up extra early to be the first one to greet him. You pick up your phone and look at it for a few seconds and ask yourself why. So what if it’s his birthday? And then you realize…

Ah. I still love him too much to not care.

They say that hate is a thin line from love. There is equal passion involved, so intense that sometimes it is deemed uncontrollable. Why, may I ask? Why couldn’t I bring myself to hate you?

You proceed to get out of your bed. You kick your sheets for it reminds you that the warmth you get from it will probably be the only comfort you’ll have for the next few years. You’ve never felt so alone.

You open your computer and instantly get on Facebook, hoping to see who greeted him on his wall, as if you have any idea who those people are. Yet, you still do that exact thing and you see his replies and ask, “Could I ever get him to reply to me like that?”

You do not know why your eyes are misty and there seems to be water coming out and you haven’t encountered this in months.

You thought you were okay. “More like pretended to be okay”, says a voice. You affirm the idea. And then cry all over again.

You decide to finally greet him, not on Facebook but by texting him like you used to. You didn’t sing to him now and you didn’t get him a present, but the feeling is all the same. You worry about what his reply might be. “You shouldn’t be worried. Get on with whatever you’re doing and stop it.”, says the voice. Shut up, I am doing this, you retaliate.

“Happy birthday! J”

…

You would like to show yourself that a reply wouldn’t mean anything to you now. You are okay, right? And then your phone vibrates.

“Thanks.”

You over think just like before. What does this mean? Aren’t we supposed to be friends? Why do I get only this? Shouldn’t I deserve more than “thanks”? You woke up feeling shitty and now you feel like someone hit you in the head with Thor’s hammer. You do not know what to do except to pretend again. It seems easier that way.

The voice doesn’t speak anymore.

the one millionth confession---- in case you didn't get the 999,999 others

I feel like this is the longest day ever in my life.

Like this wasn't going to end any time soon. Like everything is clear and vivid and blurry at the same time. On most days, unlike today, I'm in tip-top shape. There is something about this day that the impossible sea of memories which I kept away from the longest time comes flooding back without any warning. Today, you make me your slave once again without even trying to.

The fact that I appear to remain strong is still something that I want to hold dear. And it is a fact that I can't deny that today made me feel like I hid everything from people and I didn't want anyone to know what I felt. "Tinatago mo kasi ang lahat", says a friend. I am fully aware of that, but what can I do? People perceive me as someone who's strong ALL THE TIME and I can't help but satisfy them. Today, I wasn't supposed to give any amount of attention to my feelings for you like any other day. Guess what? I went overboard. It must have been today, this place, this time, this show that freakishly reminds me of you. Also, the fact that every single day that goes by is time farther away from you. And no, unlike children making up in five minutes after a petty fight, we aren't. We will stay like this and it frightens me that you won't care that our friendship is crumbling and I will. I WILL THINK ABOUT IT EVERY SINGLE TIME I GET TO. And yes, I have written every goodbye letter in whatever book that is and it still isn't getting rid of you. It's because I still care about you, no matter how many times I deny to. I want to tear these feelings out if possible, throw it in a grave somewhere and be done with it. I wish it was that simple or that easy. You have it on a silver spoon. I wasn't going to be a permanent person in your life, sad but true. I've accepted that but I can't accept the fact that you didn't care for me at all. Nor even bothered to see who I was.

Happy birthday, if you see this then you know and I don't care. Frankly, I'm tired and this will be an endless cycle once again of my struggle to confess to you how I feel.

I want to be done with you.

Please, please, please let me get what I want this time. - The Smiths

I'm sorry, lost friend

Tonight, I finally realized the gravity of our situation. I could probably look you in the eyes now and not see our "future" unlike before when it was oh so visible and all I wanted to see in your eyes.There are tears in my eyes and no, it's not because you don't love me or ever will for that matter, but that nothing will ever be the same again. I have almost cut my connection to you and you have done so a long time ago.

Tonight, I finally realized that the water from my eyes didn't originate from the rejection, but rather the loss of a good friendship (on most days, anyway). I am not going to lie that I miss you a heck of a lot, but somehow my feelings for you have changed. More than anything else, I don't know why I'm quite saddened by this change when I am supposed to be rejoicing about it. Finally, I could imagine life without having to think about what I should say to you so I don't sound stupid or thinking of ways for you to notice me. But... why do I feel this way? I am pretty sure that my feelings for you are dying down and it seems to me that the little thread which seems to be holding my connection to you (rather thin) is about to give up. And I'm desperately trying to hold on and at the same time trying to let it go.

So here you go, you'll probably find out soon. It's today, enjoy it even if I'm not going to be part of it anymore in your life. Say all the sweet things to people which you never said to me. Love the people who aren't me, I know you will. And yes, I am quite happy to see you elated.

I'm sorry, soon to be lost friend.

just one night

She has been glued to her computer all day. She wonders when this--whatever this is---everything is going to stop. The madness is absolutely killing her. She couldn't just lie on her bed and do nothing, which would probably be the best thing to do in her state. No, she'd just dig up old memories as if that weren't happening to her now. The pictures, the dinners and of course, the phone calls. She thought she had thrown these away...for she hadn't thought of these things in a month, believing she made enough progress. It's fascinating that one could forget just for a while the importance of somebody. It took her long enough.

Not now. She wasn't about to give up now. What would have the progress all been for if she was going to fall into a deep hole yet again? This feeling wasn't foreign to her. She welcomed it like an old friend, without even meaning to. In her head, she should have banished the feelings away like what she would have done a week ago. No, tonight, she gives a big old hug and lays cozy in its arms. She missed this feeling. In fact, it was so long ago and yet it was all so familiar. However, she was convinced that this "familiarity" wasn't beneficial to her and she would have to break it soon enough.

But, just for this one night, let me hold on to this, just this one night.

A stronger poison, please.

A stronger poison, please.
A fresh piece of heart
brewing in the cauldron.
Is there enough evil to go around?
You are content
in feeding us with poison
Our eyes are blinded.
Did you do it?
We gave our offerings
and you couldn't care less.
A stronger poison, please.
so they would not know--
could not tell what mask
you are putting on.
Enough of the torture.
The blood has been shed.
The tears have come.
And you still say,
"A stronger poison, please."

Should I rejoice in your words?

You text away,
wasting at least four pesos on me.
It should have warmed my heart before.
Now, should I rejoice in your words?

Should I wallow myself in happiness?
In something that I know is temporary
In something that I understand
is not worth anything for you.

Those words would have been enough
To comfort me that night
But no, it didn't measure up
and I didn't feel complete.

Should I rejoice in your words?
When all you've got are ten words--
to say at most
while I have a thousand on my mind.
But now, all I have is a word.
Goodbye.

N-A-K-E-D

Letters are coming
out of my mouth
Under the violent beam of light
I put my hands all over
I feel naked
I cry, "No!"
And the letters coming
out of my mouth
wouldn't spell it
I blow the letters to the wind
as far as I can
I still feel naked
The light is too bright
Grins are all over
Courtesy of you
I can hear laughs
I feel naked.
Someone.
Help.
Anyone?
P-L-E-A-S-E S-T-O--
I am naked.

Merciless

How does it feel to be needed?

How does it feel to be wanted?

I can only imagine such things—

Tell me

How does it feel to be respected?

How does it feel to be cherished?

Tell me

I would not know.

Do you think about such things—

When you’re alone thinking so highly

Of yourself

And when you pride yourself in

Standing alone

In your mind, not a single person could help you

You are alone.

Do you appreciate anyone at all?

Nor feel gratitude in your heart

It wreaks havoc and despair

to a vulnerable heart.

You have no mercy.

Under the same sky

I fell in love with a merciless man

Under the same sky

I will drift away from him.

Mata

Ayaw mang aminin sa sarili
Hinahanap-hanap ka pa rin
Sa paglalakad nagmamakaawa
Nagdadasal na makita kang muli
Masilayan ka man lang
Sapat na
Hindi naman humihiling
Nang higit pa
Masilayan ka man lang
Hindi kailangan ng salita
Hindi kailangan tumigil
Ang mundo para
Sa ating pagkikita

Masilayan ka man lang
Sapat na.
Sapat na.

The Moving On Letter(my version)

Tonight I finally realized what I failed to see for this past year. Enough is enough and that one can only take so much. I have constantly tried to get you out of my life and failed every single time because there was that tiny spark of hope that you'd still have feelings for me. I do not blame you anymore for all the times I felt like you needed me. You probably didn't need me at all and I just assumed that you did.

Tonight on our way home, I realized that I couldn't take this suffering any much longer. I would have to tell you sooner or later and it was approaching fast. I had a goal in mind though: that it didn't matter if I confessed to you or not as long as I knew I didn't want to be a part of this anymore and that I was through, I was through making a fool of myself. Tonight on our way home, I wished there were enough words to describe how our friendship was. I wished I could tell you how much I felt like you used me and that I got nothing in return, how much I felt so torn between moving on or keeping you as my friend. Tonight, I wished you could have given me a hug good bye because I know in my heart, I wouldn't ever be able to anymore. Tonight, I made the decision to finally move on and temporarily step out of your life.

In the past year, my confusion over this whole thing, whatever this was, lingered and never went away. Tonight, nothing devastating or harmful motivated me to finally let go of you. No, something inside me told me to STOP. Something inside me told me to stop being pathetic and that I was better than this. I am not saying that my love for you was pathetic. Of course not, in fact, no matter how many times I said I regret this, I know deep within my heart that I was happy that you came along and became a part of my life. I used to remember all the good stuff and failed to see the bad things in our relationship. Now, I see clearly.

I've always said that in order to get over someone, you had to get mad at him first so you could feel the anger every time you see him. At first, as I was pondering on this decision on our ride home, I was angry and then suddenly you said Goodnight and it faded away. I had to rethink twice the possibly good things you did for me and how you influenced me in such a way that nobody could ever have done. This past year, you have made my life crazy, happy, miserable, confused, ecstatic and sad. There are not enough words to describe how you changed me. I want to start by thanking you.

Thank you for missing me, although you may not say it often, you have ways to show it. Thank you for making me feel that I could give you comfort in your lowest of days. Thank you for sharing your books, movies and music with me. Thank you for letting me know you deeper like no one ever has. Thank you for all the secrets and the trust you gave me. Thank you for all the gifts and the letters that I know you were not compelled to give but gave anyway. Thank you for letting me be the person you could talk to when you're sick. Thank you for all the dinners, lunches and random meetings where we would laugh and reminisce testimonials and old bands/songs. Thank you for making me special on days that count. Thank you for being the person who I love getting surprises from. Thank you for letting me love you until last night. I cry as I write this paragraph, knowing fully well that I may never get to experience any of these things again, not this way again.

I failed to tell myself how many times you hurt me, starting with messages that were unreturned. comments that were uncalled for or the mere fact that I felt like you didn't care for me at all. You hurt me hundreds of times and I waived it off EVERY SINGLE TIME. The love I felt was stronger and no matter how many times I cried, in church or the bathroom or even in a tricycle for God's sake, I stayed. I stayed longer than I should have. I remember that night vividly, when I cried like I never cried before in public transportation at that. I felt so abused that night and you knew it and all you could say was, "Don't be sad. Thanks again!" No apologies because you knew I would forgive you anyway. I did, I forgave you every single time without you having to say sorry and apologize. I loved you so much that it hurt, resulting to waking up in the middle of the night and crying my eyes out or getting sick just to make you notice me.  This week, anger drove me not to even take notice of you anymore. I was hurt, still am. It was petty but one thing more that could happen and I'd break. I loved you so much that even I felt that the Janine I knew was slowly fading away. I had to stop and start telling you how you made me like this and how you hurt me or made me happy or I don't know. Something. I needed to talk to you but had no courage to do so.

I have thought of the many ways I could confess and in fact, I had one in mind already. I could push through with it or not, however, one thing is for certain. I am through. I have loved you enough and probably gave all I had. I'm sorry you couldn't see that.

You are still my great love. You may not have been the first, but you were everything to me and I gave the best that I could give. There are moments that nothing special or harmful has to have happened before you realize things you didn't see before. Now is that moment. You will always be one of a kind. I know I will probably never love as much as I loved you and that's okay. I am glad you were the person my heart chose to give its all.

I love you, but now, I'm ready to let go.

sagot

Oo o hindi.
Hindi ewan.
Lalo nang hindi
ang hindi ko alam.

Oo o hindi
Sagot mo ang kailangan ko.
Nagmumukhang tanga
sa kakaintay.

Oo o hindi.
Ilang pindot lang
sa iyong seleponong ubod ng ganda.
Piso lang ang hinihingi ko.

Isang matinong sagot lang ang nais ko.

because i will be alright

Bring in the sunlight.

The faint glow of sunlight on my bedsheets.

The softness of my pillow.

Because I will be alright.

Never mind the tears--

They won't come now.

There will be a smile on my face

Because I will be alright.

You come yet again.

Bring in the sunlight and the smile, please.

Because I will--

Because I can't be alright.

possibly, maybe

the tears start coming as soon as i saw
the possible connection between you two
maybe it was already there and i didn't know
i didn't know well enough to see.

you remind me of the dark mysterious guy in old movies
the kind who you don't expect his next move
the kind who gives you chills all over
and yes, chills of the good kind.

possibly, you two have something special.
maybe, we lack so much in everything you two have.
possibly if it we lived in another life, we could have been.
maybe, in another life, we already are.

but this is now and now is all we've got.
and all you have is you two.
and all i have is my longing for you.
possibly, maybe, in a different life, you could love me too.

****it's been so long since i've updated this :(*