Wednesday, May 4

the one millionth confession---- in case you didn't get the 999,999 others

I feel like this is the longest day ever in my life.

Like this wasn't going to end any time soon. Like everything is clear and vivid and blurry at the same time. On most days, unlike today, I'm in tip-top shape. There is something about this day that the impossible sea of memories which I kept away from the longest time comes flooding back without any warning. Today, you make me your slave once again without even trying to.

The fact that I appear to remain strong is still something that I want to hold dear. And it is a fact that I can't deny that today made me feel like I hid everything from people and I didn't want anyone to know what I felt. "Tinatago mo kasi ang lahat", says a friend. I am fully aware of that, but what can I do? People perceive me as someone who's strong ALL THE TIME and I can't help but satisfy them. Today, I wasn't supposed to give any amount of attention to my feelings for you like any other day. Guess what? I went overboard. It must have been today, this place, this time, this show that freakishly reminds me of you. Also, the fact that every single day that goes by is time farther away from you. And no, unlike children making up in five minutes after a petty fight, we aren't. We will stay like this and it frightens me that you won't care that our friendship is crumbling and I will. I WILL THINK ABOUT IT EVERY SINGLE TIME I GET TO. And yes, I have written every goodbye letter in whatever book that is and it still isn't getting rid of you. It's because I still care about you, no matter how many times I deny to. I want to tear these feelings out if possible, throw it in a grave somewhere and be done with it. I wish it was that simple or that easy. You have it on a silver spoon. I wasn't going to be a permanent person in your life, sad but true. I've accepted that but I can't accept the fact that you didn't care for me at all. Nor even bothered to see who I was.

Happy birthday, if you see this then you know and I don't care. Frankly, I'm tired and this will be an endless cycle once again of my struggle to confess to you how I feel.

I want to be done with you.

Please, please, please let me get what I want this time. - The Smiths

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