Monday, May 19
I don't want you to come back. Even if you coming back means an end to my longing, an end to my pain and a smile on my face.
I don't want you to come back. To me, ever again. In those eyes, I will always see myself slipping away from you, and you, never giving a care in the world. I will always be reminded of how you left me, broken. I will be reminded of what I could have done more, or what I could have given more and I don't deserve that. I will always see you waving your last goodbye, your smiles that I once was the cause of, and your hands that eventually pushed me away.
You always said that I am the person for you and you'll come back to me when the time is right. I hate to break it to you but, there is no right time for us. You will always be the person who broke my heart and will never ever get the chance to see me whole, to see how much I could love again, and to finally give in wholeheartedly to love. You will always be the person who let me go, who didn't want me, who pushed me away and left me to fend for myself. When you come back to me, I will always remember how much you did not want me anymore, how you chose her over me, and how you threw away the years of my life that I gave to you. When you find your way back to me, expect me to slip away and drift away from you. You know that I will always love you and that no one can take your place, you were also the cause of my pain. I never want to be reminded of that much hurt when I have to look at you lovingly, because I will. I will remember all the hurt and the pain you inflicted on me and I want to be able to feel happiness again.
I will always love and cherish you, please know that. But I don't want you to come back to me, because I don't deserve that. I don't deserve that much pain and suffering again. In the back of my head, as I look in your eyes with love, I will always protect myself from you. I don't want that, I want to love fully and be loved by someone who will never think about hurting me, not the slightest bit.
So no, I don't want you. I don't want you to come back to me. Ever. Again.