Monday, March 31

How do I write about you?

The battle doesn't start at night. It just intensifies. The current struggle is to stop chasing you--to stop wondering what our future would be like, to get away from your love, or to simply forget you.

How do I write about you? How do I write about us? Do I narrate the wonders that you have done in my life-- that time you made me laugh so hard that I cried or that time when you surprised me at 7 am with flowers? How do I write about the times when we'd walk and I would cherish every moment with you because I knew it wasn't going to last? Do I carefully retell the tale when we would go on our own adventures, not caring about the world around us, but getting lost in different worlds--together?

How do I write about you? How do I write about us?

It's funny when you try to let go of someone, you would think the memories would just easily go away. But no, they stay, they linger, and they haunt you every step you take. I see you in my dreams, in my mind, in every place that I go to. When is it safe to let go? When is it safe to stop writing about you or about us?

What do I do to these memories that seemingly have no use anymore for me but to torture me with the thought that we just let go?


The memories are dancing in my head
I feel like I can pick out one
and invite it to sway with me
Why, hello.

You are in the middle of the dance floor
You invited me to dance.
Little did I know that I would get weak in the knees
And that you would magically disappear

No, no, no.
I didn't want you to go.
But it's too late, isn't it?
I didn't do anything else.

I stood there,
let you walk away.
I let the memories dance in my head.
And you never invited me again.

Where have you gone?

It used to be that the sadness kicked in once a week.
Now, the sadness creeps in every night.
Where have you gone?
I can only imagine, I can only suspect.

You have gone far away,
and I keep looking for you, for us.
The search is still on
Though it shouldn't be.

My eyes haven't served its purpose.
I keep looking for you and the happiness
you once espoused.
Both are gone.

The sadness creeps in again.
The sun hasn't even set yet.

Monday, March 10

Be strong, little one.

Be strong, little one.
It is only a matter of time now.
I do not know of the future.
But I know you are with me.

Be strong, little one.
Look out the window.
There is a sea of clouds.
Don't mind the tragic noise.

Be strong, little one.
Listen to my voice, only my voice.
I can sing you songs of joy.
You need not worry.

Be strong, little one.
It is only a matter of time now.
At least I know you are in my arms.
And you are mine.

**dedicated to the passengers of MH 370

All lost

Sometimes, I think the Internet is an evil force that makes me think of bad things. Don't get me wrong, I love my Internet but sometimes, it just gets too annoying.

It must be insecurities or whatnot, but every time I see people doing happy things, travelling, earning their own money or whatever the fuck it is they are doing and want to broadcast it on the Internet, I get so lonely. I am 21 and I have seen people who are my age, on Youtube, raking in millions of views and that makes them content. I have seen people, my age, travelling the world and sharing gorgeous sights to see. I see people, my age, buying their own bits and pieces and I can't help but feel sorry for myself.

I honestly feel like I am in the middle of some kind of crisis, in which I don't know who I am, what I want to be and who I want to become. I still dream of going to law school and for me, that is the most immediate goal that I want to achieve. Yet, somehow this possibility always seems to evade me. I don't want to be tired of trying, but at the same time trying means failing, and to be honest, sometimes it's hard to stand back up. I know things aren't supposed to be acquired easily and goals cannot be achieved with the snap of a finger. But the feeling of failing, I can't even understand it. When I look around, people seem to be glorious and successful in their lives and yet, I am here failing after every step, trying to get back up and nothing I do seems to work. I am tired, but I don't want to stop trying.

My mind wants to be at peace, it doesn't want to be in the middle of the frenzied hurly-burly mess of thoughts that I keep jamming into it. I want peace of mind, success and the feeling of confidence back again. I seem to have lost it along the way.

I want to be myself again, because lately, I feel like this whole other person is taking over.

Someone find me.