emotional baggage

Yes, I am not fine. I've decided that the first few days of sem break was a good thing for me. It made me get away from the one thing that's been bothering me these past few days. I couldn't stop myself from wondering if my feelings were genuine, or was I merely allowing myself go with the flow of it all just because I loved the drama? My mind's split and in my head are illusions of what could be, what might be and what is not. There are reasons why I chose to feel like this, and although a lot of people may stop me, I can't help it. Bang my head on the wall, I still wouldn't stop. Beneath this silly façade, is my heart in the open, vulnerable as a fish out of water. Strip me of this, you will see me struggling to survive. That's how it is.

I wish I could say all this, instead of piling it up. I wish I could speak the words I've been longing to say. I wish I could stop pretending. I wish I could make you happy. Just for a while.


If only for a while.
What if I keep holding on to you? Would you keep me safe?


Would I still be safe if I hold on? Or would you break away and then let me fall?
Please let me decide and stop my nonsense.

Every time

Every time I step out, take a glimpse of the sky, I remember you. Every step that I take, every road that I walk on, I remember you. Every cloud, every color, every raindrop, I remember you.

Every time I ride a vehicle, I think of you. Every key that I type, I think of you. Every eye that I meet, I think of you. Every waking moment of the day, I think of you.

Every time you smile, I hold on.

Every time your eyes look at mine, I smile.

Every time you hug me tight, my heart jumps.

Every time you stand next to me, my insides tingle.

How could I feel something that I know is strong and will eventually break me down?

Every time I think of you, do you think of me too?

Facade

I'm keeping something from you. I'm hiding something from all of you. You don't know it, nor will you ever know it. There is something inside of me that is slowly hurting me, killing me, eventually destroying my inner self albeit I like the feeling. I like feeling this way amongst other things. When can I finally stop enjoying feelings that will be my ultimate destruction?

Would it be effective if I just slash my wrists and never look the same again? Would that lessen the pain a bit?

Stop me. I don't know what to do.

If only

If only I could keep
you, your heart
safe in my hands
If only

If only I could stop acting,
pretending that I'm not hurt
I don't have to want
you, but I do.

Would you hold
my heart if I gave it to you?
If only you could keep
my gift.

You don't want to.
But I keep
hoping, praying that someday
you will. If only.

i'm back

I've always loved autumn. The leaves are turning into different colors and all you get to see are pretty leaves falling, eventually dropping to the ground and moving to a place we don't even bother to think of. I only got to experience autumn ONCE.

Just like those moments I only got to experience ONCE and never had the chance to experience it all over again. If only we could be rewind and stop the moments that you want to cherish forever, ay, I would be the happiest girl in the world.

After autumn always comes winter. Winter had a huge impact on me. I didn't like the cold, the shivers and the layers of clothing you had to wear just to keep you insulated. The darkness of winter never appealed to me. Just like the past experiences that I would never want to happen again. If I could delete it just like in a computer, never to hear from it again, again, I would become the happiest girl in the world.

Of course, we cannot rewind, repeat and stop the moments we have in everyday life. We just have to go with the seasons, may it be autumn or winter.

dream

A dream is a WISH your heart MAKES.

I wish I could be your dream.