Saturday, May 28

what's in tears?

The tears are running out.

Which incidentally made me wonder, what are tears? The mere manifestation of one's sadness? Other than the obvious that tears are composed of water,mineral salts,antibodies & lysozyme (bactericidal enzyme), does it enclose a couple of memories that we're willing to get out of our system? Does each drop signify finally letting go and moving on or subjecting yourself to another heartbreak? Does it really help take the pain away?

I've always pictured that it would be a lot easier if tears carried our memories together. After all, the heartbreak has happened. What am I to do with the memories you left me? Would I be benefiting from it? Would I be able to make a living out of it by telling our stories of laughter and that time you walked me home by telling my friends about it? 

What am I going to do with these bucket of memories now that I'm finally letting you go?

I wish the tears I endlessly cried for you took care of it.

Thursday, May 12

Let's play pretend

It’s a cold day outside and you wish to feel warm. What is it about today? Ah yes, it’s his birthday. You feel like shit today and it doesn’t really matter because you woke up extra early to be the first one to greet him. You pick up your phone and look at it for a few seconds and ask yourself why. So what if it’s his birthday? And then you realize…
Ah. I still love him too much to not care.
They say that hate is a thin line from love. There is equal passion involved, so intense that sometimes it is deemed uncontrollable. Why, may I ask? Why couldn’t I bring myself to hate you?
You proceed to get out of your bed. You kick your sheets for it reminds you that the warmth you get from it will probably be the only comfort you’ll have for the next few years. You’ve never felt so alone.
You open your computer and instantly get on Facebook, hoping to see who greeted him on his wall, as if you have any idea who those people are. Yet, you still do that exact thing and you see his replies and ask, “Could I ever get him to reply to me like that?”
You do not know why your eyes are misty and there seems to be water coming out and you haven’t encountered this in months.
You thought you were okay. “More like pretended to be okay”, says a voice. You affirm the idea. And then cry all over again.
You decide to finally greet him, not on Facebook but by texting him like you used to. You didn’t sing to him now and you didn’t get him a present, but the feeling is all the same. You worry about what his reply might be. “You shouldn’t be worried. Get on with whatever you’re doing and stop it.”, says the voice. Shut up, I am doing this, you retaliate.
“Happy birthday! J
You would like to show yourself that a reply wouldn’t mean anything to you now. You are okay, right? And then your phone vibrates.
You over think just like before. What does this mean? Aren’t we supposed to be friends? Why do I get only this? Shouldn’t I deserve more than “thanks”? You woke up feeling shitty and now you feel like someone hit you in the head with Thor’s hammer. You do not know what to do except to pretend again. It seems easier that way.
The voice doesn’t speak anymore.

Wednesday, May 4

the one millionth confession---- in case you didn't get the 999,999 others

I feel like this is the longest day ever in my life.

Like this wasn't going to end any time soon. Like everything is clear and vivid and blurry at the same time. On most days, unlike today, I'm in tip-top shape. There is something about this day that the impossible sea of memories which I kept away from the longest time comes flooding back without any warning. Today, you make me your slave once again without even trying to.

The fact that I appear to remain strong is still something that I want to hold dear. And it is a fact that I can't deny that today made me feel like I hid everything from people and I didn't want anyone to know what I felt. "Tinatago mo kasi ang lahat", says a friend. I am fully aware of that, but what can I do? People perceive me as someone who's strong ALL THE TIME and I can't help but satisfy them. Today, I wasn't supposed to give any amount of attention to my feelings for you like any other day. Guess what? I went overboard. It must have been today, this place, this time, this show that freakishly reminds me of you. Also, the fact that every single day that goes by is time farther away from you. And no, unlike children making up in five minutes after a petty fight, we aren't. We will stay like this and it frightens me that you won't care that our friendship is crumbling and I will. I WILL THINK ABOUT IT EVERY SINGLE TIME I GET TO. And yes, I have written every goodbye letter in whatever book that is and it still isn't getting rid of you. It's because I still care about you, no matter how many times I deny to. I want to tear these feelings out if possible, throw it in a grave somewhere and be done with it. I wish it was that simple or that easy. You have it on a silver spoon. I wasn't going to be a permanent person in your life, sad but true. I've accepted that but I can't accept the fact that you didn't care for me at all. Nor even bothered to see who I was.

Happy birthday, if you see this then you know and I don't care. Frankly, I'm tired and this will be an endless cycle once again of my struggle to confess to you how I feel.

I want to be done with you.

Please, please, please let me get what I want this time. - The Smiths

I'm sorry, lost friend

Tonight, I finally realized the gravity of our situation. I could probably look you in the eyes now and not see our "future" unlike before when it was oh so visible and all I wanted to see in your eyes.There are tears in my eyes and no, it's not because you don't love me or ever will for that matter, but that nothing will ever be the same again. I have almost cut my connection to you and you have done so a long time ago.

Tonight, I finally realized that the water from my eyes didn't originate from the rejection, but rather the loss of a good friendship (on most days, anyway). I am not going to lie that I miss you a heck of a lot, but somehow my feelings for you have changed. More than anything else, I don't know why I'm quite saddened by this change when I am supposed to be rejoicing about it. Finally, I could imagine life without having to think about what I should say to you so I don't sound stupid or thinking of ways for you to notice me. But... why do I feel this way? I am pretty sure that my feelings for you are dying down and it seems to me that the little thread which seems to be holding my connection to you (rather thin) is about to give up. And I'm desperately trying to hold on and at the same time trying to let it go.

So here you go, you'll probably find out soon. It's today, enjoy it even if I'm not going to be part of it anymore in your life. Say all the sweet things to people which you never said to me. Love the people who aren't me, I know you will. And yes, I am quite happy to see you elated.

I'm sorry, soon to be lost friend.