Monday, March 10

All lost

Sometimes, I think the Internet is an evil force that makes me think of bad things. Don't get me wrong, I love my Internet but sometimes, it just gets too annoying.

It must be insecurities or whatnot, but every time I see people doing happy things, travelling, earning their own money or whatever the fuck it is they are doing and want to broadcast it on the Internet, I get so lonely. I am 21 and I have seen people who are my age, on Youtube, raking in millions of views and that makes them content. I have seen people, my age, travelling the world and sharing gorgeous sights to see. I see people, my age, buying their own bits and pieces and I can't help but feel sorry for myself.

I honestly feel like I am in the middle of some kind of crisis, in which I don't know who I am, what I want to be and who I want to become. I still dream of going to law school and for me, that is the most immediate goal that I want to achieve. Yet, somehow this possibility always seems to evade me. I don't want to be tired of trying, but at the same time trying means failing, and to be honest, sometimes it's hard to stand back up. I know things aren't supposed to be acquired easily and goals cannot be achieved with the snap of a finger. But the feeling of failing, I can't even understand it. When I look around, people seem to be glorious and successful in their lives and yet, I am here failing after every step, trying to get back up and nothing I do seems to work. I am tired, but I don't want to stop trying.

My mind wants to be at peace, it doesn't want to be in the middle of the frenzied hurly-burly mess of thoughts that I keep jamming into it. I want peace of mind, success and the feeling of confidence back again. I seem to have lost it along the way.

I want to be myself again, because lately, I feel like this whole other person is taking over.

Someone find me.


Anonymous said...

Hi. You probably do not know me due to the fact that I live thousands of miles away and that I have never been to Alabang. I have come across your blogspot from your instagram after you allowed me to follow you. I am not a creeper or some weirdo on the net, but I am an aspiring writer and an avid blogger/reader. I mostly read posts on wordpress and thoughtcatalog due to ardent authors' vast posts which I greatly advise you to visit. I mostly enjoy reading posts about certain topics such as "20something's", love/hate relationships, people's recklessness, life in general- struggles, up/down's, etc, and anything that seems interesting to read like this one : "You cannot forget to remember the unknown unknowns" by Brianna Wiest on thoughtcatalog. Its truly interesting but that is all up to you if you feel the same way after reading it, if not then move on to the next article. I am reaching out to you randomly because I believe your blog is enthralling. Your post called "All Lost" is one I can most relate to yet here is some advice for you.

It may seem like the world is against you by not allowing you to be where a lot of people are standing today but know that destinies work that way. I have learned that by allowing things to just happen, be yourself, and do what you do best, fate will do its part and hand you something better than you envisioned yourself. Yes, you may not be making sums of money at such an early age or isn’t traveling to crazy beautiful places but I promise you being patient has its perks and it time, you will make money flow towards you and you will see the world. Just do you.

janinedelrosario said...

Hey you!

Thanks for this comment. <3 I actually almost quite teared up as I was reading this. Luckily, this was written in March and so far, things have been going well for me. But I still thank you for the advice because God knows I need it <3 Thank you for liking the way I write, it means a lot to me!

janinedelrosario said...
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