Monday, March 10
Sometimes, I think the Internet is an evil force that makes me think of bad things. Don't get me wrong, I love my Internet but sometimes, it just gets too annoying.
It must be insecurities or whatnot, but every time I see people doing happy things, travelling, earning their own money or whatever the fuck it is they are doing and want to broadcast it on the Internet, I get so lonely. I am 21 and I have seen people who are my age, on Youtube, raking in millions of views and that makes them content. I have seen people, my age, travelling the world and sharing gorgeous sights to see. I see people, my age, buying their own bits and pieces and I can't help but feel sorry for myself.
I honestly feel like I am in the middle of some kind of crisis, in which I don't know who I am, what I want to be and who I want to become. I still dream of going to law school and for me, that is the most immediate goal that I want to achieve. Yet, somehow this possibility always seems to evade me. I don't want to be tired of trying, but at the same time trying means failing, and to be honest, sometimes it's hard to stand back up. I know things aren't supposed to be acquired easily and goals cannot be achieved with the snap of a finger. But the feeling of failing, I can't even understand it. When I look around, people seem to be glorious and successful in their lives and yet, I am here failing after every step, trying to get back up and nothing I do seems to work. I am tired, but I don't want to stop trying.
My mind wants to be at peace, it doesn't want to be in the middle of the frenzied hurly-burly mess of thoughts that I keep jamming into it. I want peace of mind, success and the feeling of confidence back again. I seem to have lost it along the way.
I want to be myself again, because lately, I feel like this whole other person is taking over.
Someone find me.