Tuesday, February 15

The Moving On Letter(my version)

Tonight I finally realized what I failed to see for this past year. Enough is enough and that one can only take so much. I have constantly tried to get you out of my life and failed every single time because there was that tiny spark of hope that you'd still have feelings for me. I do not blame you anymore for all the times I felt like you needed me. You probably didn't need me at all and I just assumed that you did.

Tonight on our way home, I realized that I couldn't take this suffering any much longer. I would have to tell you sooner or later and it was approaching fast. I had a goal in mind though: that it didn't matter if I confessed to you or not as long as I knew I didn't want to be a part of this anymore and that I was through, I was through making a fool of myself. Tonight on our way home, I wished there were enough words to describe how our friendship was. I wished I could tell you how much I felt like you used me and that I got nothing in return, how much I felt so torn between moving on or keeping you as my friend. Tonight, I wished you could have given me a hug good bye because I know in my heart, I wouldn't ever be able to anymore. Tonight, I made the decision to finally move on and temporarily step out of your life.

In the past year, my confusion over this whole thing, whatever this was, lingered and never went away. Tonight, nothing devastating or harmful motivated me to finally let go of you. No, something inside me told me to STOP. Something inside me told me to stop being pathetic and that I was better than this. I am not saying that my love for you was pathetic. Of course not, in fact, no matter how many times I said I regret this, I know deep within my heart that I was happy that you came along and became a part of my life. I used to remember all the good stuff and failed to see the bad things in our relationship. Now, I see clearly.

I've always said that in order to get over someone, you had to get mad at him first so you could feel the anger every time you see him. At first, as I was pondering on this decision on our ride home, I was angry and then suddenly you said Goodnight and it faded away. I had to rethink twice the possibly good things you did for me and how you influenced me in such a way that nobody could ever have done. This past year, you have made my life crazy, happy, miserable, confused, ecstatic and sad. There are not enough words to describe how you changed me. I want to start by thanking you.

Thank you for missing me, although you may not say it often, you have ways to show it. Thank you for making me feel that I could give you comfort in your lowest of days. Thank you for sharing your books, movies and music with me. Thank you for letting me know you deeper like no one ever has. Thank you for all the secrets and the trust you gave me. Thank you for all the gifts and the letters that I know you were not compelled to give but gave anyway. Thank you for letting me be the person you could talk to when you're sick. Thank you for all the dinners, lunches and random meetings where we would laugh and reminisce testimonials and old bands/songs. Thank you for making me special on days that count. Thank you for being the person who I love getting surprises from. Thank you for letting me love you until last night. I cry as I write this paragraph, knowing fully well that I may never get to experience any of these things again, not this way again.

I failed to tell myself how many times you hurt me, starting with messages that were unreturned. comments that were uncalled for or the mere fact that I felt like you didn't care for me at all. You hurt me hundreds of times and I waived it off EVERY SINGLE TIME. The love I felt was stronger and no matter how many times I cried, in church or the bathroom or even in a tricycle for God's sake, I stayed. I stayed longer than I should have. I remember that night vividly, when I cried like I never cried before in public transportation at that. I felt so abused that night and you knew it and all you could say was, "Don't be sad. Thanks again!" No apologies because you knew I would forgive you anyway. I did, I forgave you every single time without you having to say sorry and apologize. I loved you so much that it hurt, resulting to waking up in the middle of the night and crying my eyes out or getting sick just to make you notice me.  This week, anger drove me not to even take notice of you anymore. I was hurt, still am. It was petty but one thing more that could happen and I'd break. I loved you so much that even I felt that the Janine I knew was slowly fading away. I had to stop and start telling you how you made me like this and how you hurt me or made me happy or I don't know. Something. I needed to talk to you but had no courage to do so.

I have thought of the many ways I could confess and in fact, I had one in mind already. I could push through with it or not, however, one thing is for certain. I am through. I have loved you enough and probably gave all I had. I'm sorry you couldn't see that.

You are still my great love. You may not have been the first, but you were everything to me and I gave the best that I could give. There are moments that nothing special or harmful has to have happened before you realize things you didn't see before. Now is that moment. You will always be one of a kind. I know I will probably never love as much as I loved you and that's okay. I am glad you were the person my heart chose to give its all.

I love you, but now, I'm ready to let go.

1 comment:

KJCA said...

Wow. This moves mountains. Your words went right through me. I hope, one day he'll open his eyes. And see you.