To 2014 Janine

I write this on the last day of 2014, to you 2014 Janine. You have been through quite a lot this year, and there is only one word to describe 2014: overwhelming. I cannot entirely say that it was the worst year for you, dear but it was heartbreaking. I know you cannot count how many tears you shed this year or how many nights you cried yourself to sleep. Earlier in the year, you experienced heartbreak like never before and you thought you were not going to survive. I remember the emotional pain translated to physical pain, but you got through it. You always get through it. You always find a way to move on, to let go, to seek better things.

Today, I write to you, 2014 Janine, to say that I am proud of you. You have become the best version of yourself this year, not only physically or emotionally, but also spiritually. You learned to reconnect with God and be thankful for all the blessings you received this year. Sometimes, I think the heartache you/I experienced this past year was kinda worth it for all the improvements I had to undergo through this year. Janine, you learned to let go of people who are not meant to be in your life, you learned to let the memories fade and make space for new ones. You gained new friends and rekindled with old ones. I have nothing to say but that I am so proud of what you allowed yourself to do this year. 

You have always been a strong person and I know that the early months of this year didn't show it, but look at you now. You have improved so much and taken all that negative energy and put it to some good use. I think you are the happiest you have ever been in 2014. I am glad.

Janine, you got to travel so much this year, with friends and family. You kept close ties with your family and learned to appreciate how much family means to you, how important they are and how blessed you are to have them in your life. You got to distinguish who your real friends are, who will never ever leave you at your worst. These are the people who will listen to you cry when you kinda wreck your car and who will listen when you feel a relapse is about to happen. These friends are for keeps, remember that.

I also know you made a lot of mistakes this year, but mistakes are there for learning. You trusted in the wrong people, but that doesn't meant trusting is such a bad thing. I know you are kinda iffy on the whole trust thing, but we will come around to it. I am positive. 

Here's to an overwhelming 2014! I cannot wait for 2015!

P.S.  To the person who broke my heart in 2014,

While you may never get to see this, I would like to extend my gratitude to you for the heartache. I learned how some people are not worth to be in my life and that people who truly love you will always stay, no matter what. There are no excuses. Thank you for teaching me that time changes people, that people change people and when people want to leave you, they will. It makes me happier all the more because I realized that there are people who do want to stay, who make an effort to be with you, who value your worth. In the end, that's what counts. I hope you find the happiness you deserve and I know we can never be friends, but do know that I have no ill feelings towards you. You have become a significant part of my life and you will rightly remain so. Thank you for everything, truly. You will always have a special place in my heart. But now, I get to start over. 

Janine

Dear God,

Feels funny to talk to you even though I've been constantly chatting You up these past few months. I never thought, (well, at least in college) that I would be as close to You as I am now. I remember, sometime, in October, I looked up at the sky and saw the moon. I knew I had to talk to You while gazing above. I thanked you for all the blessings you gave me this past year, as well as the heartaches I had to endure. I don't regret a single thing that happened this year. It might be cliche, but everything I had to go through this year just made me stronger and bolder. It was my first time to become dependent on a person, and I had to realize that depending on people can be heartbreaking, but not so when I depend on you. This year, You made me realize my worth and how I should let certain people go. You showed me that not all people are here to stay, and the ones who do stay are the ones worth keeping.Thank you. You made me open my eyes to the different types of people I could still meet in my lifetime and that I deserve a lot better. 

Honestly, Lord, I am tearing up as I write this because I cannot explain how much I felt Your love this past year when I didn't even deserve a single drop of it. You make me a better person everyday, and for everything You gave me, I will be forever thankful.

I am not mad at You for taking people away from me or letting them leave me. I know You always have a bigger plan. Perhaps these people were not meant to stay or were undeserving of my love. Either way, whatever it is, I am grateful. I guess it took a big step for me to finally realize that the ones we love can ultimately destroy us and break us, but that we can eventually emerge after such tragedy as a better, more improved version of ourselves. I asked you once, "What did I do to deserve this pain?" However, I know better now. The life lessons I learned along the way while experiencing pain and heartbreak was enough to convince me of Your love and care for me. Everything that I experienced in the past year up to this point in my life was all Your doing, and it was for the best. 

You will always be my rock, the person I will only depend on. You have given me new meaning in my life and perhaps, this year entails a new journey in my life. As Gabriela would say, "It's the start of something new." 

Thank you Lord for all the blessings I continue to receive every single day, for the blessing of life and love. Thank you for giving me the courage and motivation for law school, and for giving me the patience to see past the pain that others may have caused me. You are indeed great, Lord.

I love you, Lord.

Janine :)

but I'm lost

I am a lost girl
I can smell your scent, I do
But how do I get to you
Where do I go from here

I am a lost girl
Drunk and yet sober at the same time
Dreaming of your touch
Yet trying to get away from your grasp

Where do I go from here
I want you to find me
But I close my eyes and think again
Maybe I don't want to be found

Where do I go from here
The roads are endless
I don't know where this will lead
But I think I want to get away

From you, from this, from us
But I'm lost.

So far, so good.

I am trying to take in everything at the moment, maybe not so moderately. I am embracing everything around me, as if these things make sense. I feel free today, like I am floating and dancing on thick marshmallow clouds. I do not miss you at all. Nor do I miss the memories of us. I feel like everything has faded like an old photograph and even if technology would permit me to restore these memories of you, I wouldn't.

Today, I am inspired to write not about what I felt in the past few months, but what it feels like without you. It, honestly, was a bumpy ride at first, full of unknowns, of fear, of pain and of so many tears. Me without you is a breath of fresh air, something that I am thankful for everyday. When I wake up every morning, I make sure to thank God that I experienced so much pain this year, because I wouldn't be able to appreciate what I have always had and what I have now. Every splash on my face, every jog I take every week, every 100 pages or so that I have to read for my law class, I owe it to you. Thank you for not believing we could make this work, because I finally know what I have to accomplish on my own. Thank you for letting me see what I missed out on.

I feel as free as a bird, whose wings have just begun to function. The wind is cold on my face and it's comforting. At first, I thought everything would be so awkward, that a tiny step might be too much or that in an instant, I could fall and break. But at the end of the day, thank you for making me see the world without you. To the places I have yet to see, the people I have yet to meet and to the countless lessons that I still have to learn, I am ready for everything! Bring it on, universe. Let me take a whack at it.

Don't Come Back

I don't want you to come back. Even if you coming back means an end to my longing, an end to my pain and a smile on my face.

I don't want you to come back. To me, ever again. In those eyes, I will always see myself slipping away from you, and you, never giving a care in the world. I will always be reminded of how you left me, broken. I will be reminded of what I could have done more, or what I could have given more and I don't deserve that. I will always see you waving your last goodbye, your smiles that I once was the cause of, and your hands that eventually pushed me away.

You always said that I am the person for you and you'll come back to me when the time is right. I hate to break it to you but, there is no right time for us. You will always be the person who broke my heart and will never ever get the chance to see me whole, to see how much I could love again, and to finally give in wholeheartedly to love. You will always be the person who let me go, who didn't want me, who pushed me away and left me to fend for myself. When you come back to me, I will always remember how much you did not want me anymore, how you chose her over me, and how you threw away the years of my life that I gave to you. When you find your way back to me, expect me to slip away and drift away from you. You know that I will always love you and that no one can take your place, you were also the cause of my pain. I never want to be reminded of that much hurt when I have to look at you lovingly, because I will. I will remember all the hurt and the pain you inflicted on me and I want to be able to feel happiness again.

I will always love and cherish you, please know that. But I don't want you to come back to me, because I don't deserve that. I don't deserve that much pain and suffering again. In the back of my head, as I look in your eyes with love, I will always protect myself from you. I don't want that, I want to love fully and be loved by someone who will never think about hurting me, not the slightest bit.

So no, I don't want you. I don't want you to come back to me. Ever. Again.

Goodbye.

Is it okay to miss you?

It's possible that sometimes, I get this sudden rush of emotions. I constantly ask myself tons of questions that I know I cannot find the answers to. Somehow, I always see you in front of me, laughing. I know that is not the case now. Now, you are laughing with someone else, possibly I am far from your mind.

Sometimes, I ask myself, "Is it okay to miss you?" I stop myself, think again, and finally come to the conclusion that it is fine, despite these pangs of hurt that I feel whenever I remember a memory of us together. It is okay to miss you, you became a big part of my life. You always were the first one to hear of good or bad news and I always counted on you to be there, to never leave. So, how am I not supposed to miss you? I miss our banter, our walks to wherever our feet take us, and most especially, our lazy Saturdays. I miss the way you look at me, as if I was the only person in the world that mattered. I miss how you told me you pictured a life with me, how you said I love you at random times in the day. I miss all of you, simply put.

But, every time I miss you, I remind myself that you took the easy way out--that oftentimes, it wouldn't be okay to miss you because the pain of you leaving me comes back fresh and unbearable. I stop myself from missing you because you quit--you stopped believing in me, in us and our future together. I stop myself from missing all your little quirks because that is why I fell in love with you and I need to undo it to be able to move forward.

But I do miss you even if I try to stop myself.

So tell me this, is it okay to miss you?

run

I had a dream today
You were present
You weren't for a long time
I tried to reach out for you

But you ran.

You always run away.

Could have been better

Today was supposed to be another day full of life and love, with your message on my phone with a greeting full of love and promise. Instead, today is filled with regret, sadness and feelings in-between. Today, you were supposed to tell me you loved me, and that it is refreshing and wonderful to be spending another month in my arms. Instead, today is filled with longing and an empty inbox. Today, you were supposed to tell me that you will still marry me, no matter how much I try to brush you off. Instead, I may have just brushed you off for good and now, you are never coming back to me. Today, you were supposed to talk of promises, of laughter, of our next adventures, and of missing me. Instead, today is full of space between us, of hurt and pain.

I never thought you would get tired. I never even had a clue you were tired. I wish I could have seen all the signs, that you were beginning to slowly let me go. How do I miss these kinds of things? I have a lot of myself to blame, and I cannot stop thinking of what I could have done more. Should I have paid more attention? Should I have given my everything to you? Should I have loved you more than I already have? Should I have given you my top priority? I keep beating myself up, of things that I should have done--of repairs that I could have made. Every day since losing you, I have beaten myself up over and over again, of what I could have done more to make you stay.

Some part of me always loved that you changed for me--that you learned to be with someone long enough to see them for who they really are. I loved how you knew that there would be no other person for you than me, that I would be your future, or that you could be content with a life with me. And then, in an instance, it was gone.

You suddenly didn't want me now, you grew tired of me. Perhaps you gave up on our future--of what we could have become. Instead, you chose something new. You suddenly didn't want a life with me, you never were content with me. I thought you had changed and I still cry myself to sleep, thinking that I could have saved you--that I still could save you. When do I stop hoping that I could redeem you--that you don't ever have to worry because you are with me, you are safe and no one can ever hurt you?

Right now, I still love you. Perhaps I will always love you. You taught me how to be brave and how to take a risk in letting someone in. You taught me how to love deeply and what it feels like to be loved and treasured. I told you before, I have never felt these feelings before. It was all foreign to me. You taught me how to be needed and how to be a little bit dependent on people---mostly you. You taught me how to appreciate the little things in life, and to stop being materialistic. You taught me that it is possible to trust a person wholeheartedly, without holding back, without withholding secrets.

Perhaps, that is also the reason why I am hurting this badly. It is because I let you in, far too much. I didn't know how to control it. And when you chose to leave me, I still wanted you to stay because I gave you so much of myself. It hurts because you didn't choose me, you didn't choose a life with me, you were not content and perhaps, at the back of your mind, you never wanted to marry me.

I'm sorry that you were never content with me.

You know I could have done better if you told me, if you asked me, if you just let me know.

I could have been a better person for you. And honestly, you were good to me, but you could have been better.

I miss you.

a letter to you

Dear you,

You have been in my mind for a long time ever since we fell apart. I never thought you would leave, I never thought you would hurt me like this, I guess I didn't think at all. How do I even begin to explain yearning for you? How do I even say that I still want you, every single day? Or that it doesn't matter how much you hurt me, I know we can still work it out?

I'm sorry that I can't even begin to say this, because I can't. I don't want to yearn for you anymore. I don't want to want you, every single day. In fact, I don't want to want you at all. I don't want you to hurt me, and I know that we can't work it out.

I always thought I was the person who could save you, who could fill your gaps, who could heal your heart, and most especially, I thought I was the last person who could make you feel complete. I wanted you to become a better person, to change, mostly. I didn't think at all. How could someone like me ever hope to save you when you don't want to be redeemed?

I am not yet tired of longing for you, but eventually I will. And when the day comes, I won't be here to save you. Nor will I hope to save you. It's now or never.

Puzzle

Pieces of the puzzle
the one I desperately want to solve
are scattered and lost
How do I put it back together?

Pieces of our puzzle
the one I desperately want to solve
are scattered and lost
How do I put us back together?

Dear you

Dear you,

Why wasn't I enough? What is wrong with me? How could you choose someone new over someone who has seen you at your worst and still chose to love you? How could you pick someone novel over someone who knows you, who knows how to make you happy?

I will keep saying that you don't deserve me, but I didn't deserve you then. You loved me so much, how could that fade so easily? You tell me that possibly, in the future, we could be together. But, I don't want to wait for you. I don't want to be that pathetic. You are my soul mate, my best friend and my future. How could you just throw it all away?

I hope you don't end up with her. And I hope I find someone who could love me as much as you did, but would never choose to leave me. Because I don't deserve being left behind. I don't deserve this at all.

I want you

I want a lot of things, but mostly I just want you.
I want a lot of things, but mostly I just want naps with you.
I want dinner dates with you, movie dates, anything kind of dates.
I want lazy Saturday afternoons and kisses in bed.

I want a lot of things, but mostly I just want you.
I want your irreplaceable hugs, your warmth around me.
I want your body, all of it, satisfying my every sense.
I want you, all of you.

I want a lot of things, but mostly I just want you.
I want your laughs, the smell of your hair or your quirks
I want you to hold my hand, to never let go.
Because what I want is mostly you.

butter--fly

I don't see you moping in the corner.
I don't see your tears every night.
I was just a moment, fleeting by.
You grasped me and then let go.

How can you say such loving words
Only to take it back soon enough
And I am left with my battered wings
Attempting to fly, but not quite.

I am crippled, yet I was supposed to be
something beautiful, ethereal, pleasant
Yet, your release led me to be
distorted, maimed and heartbroken.

How do you live with yourself?

...

I used to think of what I did to deserve you.

Now, I think, what did I do to deserve this?

Wide Awake

As I open my eyes
I expect to see
your wisps of hair
your button nose

As I open my eyes
I expect to see
your enormous smile
your loving eyes

that look straight at me

As I open my eyes,
I expect to see
your fingers twirling mine
you whispering in my ear

sweet nothings, delicate somethings

As I opened my eyes
I expected to see you
awake and laughing,
but I guess that was too much.

How do I write about you?

The battle doesn't start at night. It just intensifies. The current struggle is to stop chasing you--to stop wondering what our future would be like, to get away from your love, or to simply forget you.

How do I write about you? How do I write about us? Do I narrate the wonders that you have done in my life-- that time you made me laugh so hard that I cried or that time when you surprised me at 7 am with flowers? How do I write about the times when we'd walk and I would cherish every moment with you because I knew it wasn't going to last? Do I carefully retell the tale when we would go on our own adventures, not caring about the world around us, but getting lost in different worlds--together?

How do I write about you? How do I write about us?

It's funny when you try to let go of someone, you would think the memories would just easily go away. But no, they stay, they linger, and they haunt you every step you take. I see you in my dreams, in my mind, in every place that I go to. When is it safe to let go? When is it safe to stop writing about you or about us?

What do I do to these memories that seemingly have no use anymore for me but to torture me with the thought that we just let go?

Dancing

The memories are dancing in my head
I feel like I can pick out one
and invite it to sway with me
Why, hello.

You are in the middle of the dance floor
You invited me to dance.
Little did I know that I would get weak in the knees
And that you would magically disappear

No, no, no.
I didn't want you to go.
But it's too late, isn't it?
I didn't do anything else.

I stood there,
let you walk away.
I let the memories dance in my head.
And you never invited me again.

Where have you gone?

It used to be that the sadness kicked in once a week.
Now, the sadness creeps in every night.
Where have you gone?
I can only imagine, I can only suspect.

You have gone far away,
and I keep looking for you, for us.
The search is still on
Though it shouldn't be.

My eyes haven't served its purpose.
I keep looking for you and the happiness
you once espoused.
Both are gone.

The sadness creeps in again.
The sun hasn't even set yet.

Be strong, little one.

Be strong, little one.
It is only a matter of time now.
I do not know of the future.
But I know you are with me.

Be strong, little one.
Look out the window.
There is a sea of clouds.
Don't mind the tragic noise.

Be strong, little one.
Listen to my voice, only my voice.
I can sing you songs of joy.
You need not worry.

Be strong, little one.
It is only a matter of time now.
At least I know you are in my arms.
And you are mine.


**dedicated to the passengers of MH 370

All lost

Sometimes, I think the Internet is an evil force that makes me think of bad things. Don't get me wrong, I love my Internet but sometimes, it just gets too annoying.

It must be insecurities or whatnot, but every time I see people doing happy things, travelling, earning their own money or whatever the fuck it is they are doing and want to broadcast it on the Internet, I get so lonely. I am 21 and I have seen people who are my age, on Youtube, raking in millions of views and that makes them content. I have seen people, my age, travelling the world and sharing gorgeous sights to see. I see people, my age, buying their own bits and pieces and I can't help but feel sorry for myself.

I honestly feel like I am in the middle of some kind of crisis, in which I don't know who I am, what I want to be and who I want to become. I still dream of going to law school and for me, that is the most immediate goal that I want to achieve. Yet, somehow this possibility always seems to evade me. I don't want to be tired of trying, but at the same time trying means failing, and to be honest, sometimes it's hard to stand back up. I know things aren't supposed to be acquired easily and goals cannot be achieved with the snap of a finger. But the feeling of failing, I can't even understand it. When I look around, people seem to be glorious and successful in their lives and yet, I am here failing after every step, trying to get back up and nothing I do seems to work. I am tired, but I don't want to stop trying.

My mind wants to be at peace, it doesn't want to be in the middle of the frenzied hurly-burly mess of thoughts that I keep jamming into it. I want peace of mind, success and the feeling of confidence back again. I seem to have lost it along the way.

I want to be myself again, because lately, I feel like this whole other person is taking over.

Someone find me.

Bring me back.

I have been slipping. Where is my ability to write, to speak of things that I have known and hold dear to my heart? Where is the passion for the arts or the sciences that I am known to have? Where is the deconstruction of the beauty that I see every day that I try to comprehend or capture into a photograph?

I have been distracted. I try to think of words to write but they fall short of my expectations. So what do I do? I decide not to write at all. I long for the days that every word burst out of my brain, like it couldn't wait for me to spew it out. I long for the days when I couldn't just speak my mind, but that I could write it with the profoundness and intricacies it deserves. I long for the days that the pen felt like it was a permanent part of my hand, that when I used my hand there wasn't even a tiny bit of effort needed. Where are those days?

Please bring me back.