Sunday, April 13

Could have been better

Today was supposed to be another day full of life and love, with your message on my phone with a greeting full of love and promise. Instead, today is filled with regret, sadness and feelings in-between. Today, you were supposed to tell me you loved me, and that it is refreshing and wonderful to be spending another month in my arms. Instead, today is filled with longing and an empty inbox. Today, you were supposed to tell me that you will still marry me, no matter how much I try to brush you off. Instead, I may have just brushed you off for good and now, you are never coming back to me. Today, you were supposed to talk of promises, of laughter, of our next adventures, and of missing me. Instead, today is full of space between us, of hurt and pain.

I never thought you would get tired. I never even had a clue you were tired. I wish I could have seen all the signs, that you were beginning to slowly let me go. How do I miss these kinds of things? I have a lot of myself to blame, and I cannot stop thinking of what I could have done more. Should I have paid more attention? Should I have given my everything to you? Should I have loved you more than I already have? Should I have given you my top priority? I keep beating myself up, of things that I should have done--of repairs that I could have made. Every day since losing you, I have beaten myself up over and over again, of what I could have done more to make you stay.

Some part of me always loved that you changed for me--that you learned to be with someone long enough to see them for who they really are. I loved how you knew that there would be no other person for you than me, that I would be your future, or that you could be content with a life with me. And then, in an instance, it was gone.

You suddenly didn't want me now, you grew tired of me. Perhaps you gave up on our future--of what we could have become. Instead, you chose something new. You suddenly didn't want a life with me, you never were content with me. I thought you had changed and I still cry myself to sleep, thinking that I could have saved you--that I still could save you. When do I stop hoping that I could redeem you--that you don't ever have to worry because you are with me, you are safe and no one can ever hurt you?

Right now, I still love you. Perhaps I will always love you. You taught me how to be brave and how to take a risk in letting someone in. You taught me how to love deeply and what it feels like to be loved and treasured. I told you before, I have never felt these feelings before. It was all foreign to me. You taught me how to be needed and how to be a little bit dependent on people---mostly you. You taught me how to appreciate the little things in life, and to stop being materialistic. You taught me that it is possible to trust a person wholeheartedly, without holding back, without withholding secrets.

Perhaps, that is also the reason why I am hurting this badly. It is because I let you in, far too much. I didn't know how to control it. And when you chose to leave me, I still wanted you to stay because I gave you so much of myself. It hurts because you didn't choose me, you didn't choose a life with me, you were not content and perhaps, at the back of your mind, you never wanted to marry me.

I'm sorry that you were never content with me.

You know I could have done better if you told me, if you asked me, if you just let me know.

I could have been a better person for you. And honestly, you were good to me, but you could have been better.

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