Don't Come Back

I don't want you to come back. Even if you coming back means an end to my longing, an end to my pain and a smile on my face.

I don't want you to come back. To me, ever again. In those eyes, I will always see myself slipping away from you, and you, never giving a care in the world. I will always be reminded of how you left me, broken. I will be reminded of what I could have done more, or what I could have given more and I don't deserve that. I will always see you waving your last goodbye, your smiles that I once was the cause of, and your hands that eventually pushed me away.

You always said that I am the person for you and you'll come back to me when the time is right. I hate to break it to you but, there is no right time for us. You will always be the person who broke my heart and will never ever get the chance to see me whole, to see how much I could love again, and to finally give in wholeheartedly to love. You will always be the person who let me go, who didn't want me, who pushed me away and left me to fend for myself. When you come back to me, I will always remember how much you did not want me anymore, how you chose her over me, and how you threw away the years of my life that I gave to you. When you find your way back to me, expect me to slip away and drift away from you. You know that I will always love you and that no one can take your place, you were also the cause of my pain. I never want to be reminded of that much hurt when I have to look at you lovingly, because I will. I will remember all the hurt and the pain you inflicted on me and I want to be able to feel happiness again.

I will always love and cherish you, please know that. But I don't want you to come back to me, because I don't deserve that. I don't deserve that much pain and suffering again. In the back of my head, as I look in your eyes with love, I will always protect myself from you. I don't want that, I want to love fully and be loved by someone who will never think about hurting me, not the slightest bit.

So no, I don't want you. I don't want you to come back to me. Ever. Again.

Goodbye.

Is it okay to miss you?

It's possible that sometimes, I get this sudden rush of emotions. I constantly ask myself tons of questions that I know I cannot find the answers to. Somehow, I always see you in front of me, laughing. I know that is not the case now. Now, you are laughing with someone else, possibly I am far from your mind.

Sometimes, I ask myself, "Is it okay to miss you?" I stop myself, think again, and finally come to the conclusion that it is fine, despite these pangs of hurt that I feel whenever I remember a memory of us together. It is okay to miss you, you became a big part of my life. You always were the first one to hear of good or bad news and I always counted on you to be there, to never leave. So, how am I not supposed to miss you? I miss our banter, our walks to wherever our feet take us, and most especially, our lazy Saturdays. I miss the way you look at me, as if I was the only person in the world that mattered. I miss how you told me you pictured a life with me, how you said I love you at random times in the day. I miss all of you, simply put.

But, every time I miss you, I remind myself that you took the easy way out--that oftentimes, it wouldn't be okay to miss you because the pain of you leaving me comes back fresh and unbearable. I stop myself from missing you because you quit--you stopped believing in me, in us and our future together. I stop myself from missing all your little quirks because that is why I fell in love with you and I need to undo it to be able to move forward.

But I do miss you even if I try to stop myself.

So tell me this, is it okay to miss you?

run

I had a dream today
You were present
You weren't for a long time
I tried to reach out for you

But you ran.

You always run away.

Could have been better

Today was supposed to be another day full of life and love, with your message on my phone with a greeting full of love and promise. Instead, today is filled with regret, sadness and feelings in-between. Today, you were supposed to tell me you loved me, and that it is refreshing and wonderful to be spending another month in my arms. Instead, today is filled with longing and an empty inbox. Today, you were supposed to tell me that you will still marry me, no matter how much I try to brush you off. Instead, I may have just brushed you off for good and now, you are never coming back to me. Today, you were supposed to talk of promises, of laughter, of our next adventures, and of missing me. Instead, today is full of space between us, of hurt and pain.

I never thought you would get tired. I never even had a clue you were tired. I wish I could have seen all the signs, that you were beginning to slowly let me go. How do I miss these kinds of things? I have a lot of myself to blame, and I cannot stop thinking of what I could have done more. Should I have paid more attention? Should I have given my everything to you? Should I have loved you more than I already have? Should I have given you my top priority? I keep beating myself up, of things that I should have done--of repairs that I could have made. Every day since losing you, I have beaten myself up over and over again, of what I could have done more to make you stay.

Some part of me always loved that you changed for me--that you learned to be with someone long enough to see them for who they really are. I loved how you knew that there would be no other person for you than me, that I would be your future, or that you could be content with a life with me. And then, in an instance, it was gone.

You suddenly didn't want me now, you grew tired of me. Perhaps you gave up on our future--of what we could have become. Instead, you chose something new. You suddenly didn't want a life with me, you never were content with me. I thought you had changed and I still cry myself to sleep, thinking that I could have saved you--that I still could save you. When do I stop hoping that I could redeem you--that you don't ever have to worry because you are with me, you are safe and no one can ever hurt you?

Right now, I still love you. Perhaps I will always love you. You taught me how to be brave and how to take a risk in letting someone in. You taught me how to love deeply and what it feels like to be loved and treasured. I told you before, I have never felt these feelings before. It was all foreign to me. You taught me how to be needed and how to be a little bit dependent on people---mostly you. You taught me how to appreciate the little things in life, and to stop being materialistic. You taught me that it is possible to trust a person wholeheartedly, without holding back, without withholding secrets.

Perhaps, that is also the reason why I am hurting this badly. It is because I let you in, far too much. I didn't know how to control it. And when you chose to leave me, I still wanted you to stay because I gave you so much of myself. It hurts because you didn't choose me, you didn't choose a life with me, you were not content and perhaps, at the back of your mind, you never wanted to marry me.

I'm sorry that you were never content with me.

You know I could have done better if you told me, if you asked me, if you just let me know.

I could have been a better person for you. And honestly, you were good to me, but you could have been better.

I miss you.