Is it okay to miss you?

It's possible that sometimes, I get this sudden rush of emotions. I constantly ask myself tons of questions that I know I cannot find the answers to. Somehow, I always see you in front of me, laughing. I know that is not the case now. Now, you are laughing with someone else, possibly I am far from your mind.

Sometimes, I ask myself, "Is it okay to miss you?" I stop myself, think again, and finally come to the conclusion that it is fine, despite these pangs of hurt that I feel whenever I remember a memory of us together. It is okay to miss you, you became a big part of my life. You always were the first one to hear of good or bad news and I always counted on you to be there, to never leave. So, how am I not supposed to miss you? I miss our banter, our walks to wherever our feet take us, and most especially, our lazy Saturdays. I miss the way you look at me, as if I was the only person in the world that mattered. I miss how you told me you pictured a life with me, how you said I love you at random times in the day. I miss all of you, simply put.

But, every time I miss you, I remind myself that you took the easy way out--that oftentimes, it wouldn't be okay to miss you because the pain of you leaving me comes back fresh and unbearable. I stop myself from missing you because you quit--you stopped believing in me, in us and our future together. I stop myself from missing all your little quirks because that is why I fell in love with you and I need to undo it to be able to move forward.

But I do miss you even if I try to stop myself.

So tell me this, is it okay to miss you?

run

I had a dream today
You were present
You weren't for a long time
I tried to reach out for you

But you ran.

You always run away.

Could have been better

Today was supposed to be another day full of life and love, with your message on my phone with a greeting full of love and promise. Instead, today is filled with regret, sadness and feelings in-between. Today, you were supposed to tell me you loved me, and that it is refreshing and wonderful to be spending another month in my arms. Instead, today is filled with longing and an empty inbox. Today, you were supposed to tell me that you will still marry me, no matter how much I try to brush you off. Instead, I may have just brushed you off for good and now, you are never coming back to me. Today, you were supposed to talk of promises, of laughter, of our next adventures, and of missing me. Instead, today is full of space between us, of hurt and pain.

I never thought you would get tired. I never even had a clue you were tired. I wish I could have seen all the signs, that you were beginning to slowly let me go. How do I miss these kinds of things? I have a lot of myself to blame, and I cannot stop thinking of what I could have done more. Should I have paid more attention? Should I have given my everything to you? Should I have loved you more than I already have? Should I have given you my top priority? I keep beating myself up, of things that I should have done--of repairs that I could have made. Every day since losing you, I have beaten myself up over and over again, of what I could have done more to make you stay.

Some part of me always loved that you changed for me--that you learned to be with someone long enough to see them for who they really are. I loved how you knew that there would be no other person for you than me, that I would be your future, or that you could be content with a life with me. And then, in an instance, it was gone.

You suddenly didn't want me now, you grew tired of me. Perhaps you gave up on our future--of what we could have become. Instead, you chose something new. You suddenly didn't want a life with me, you never were content with me. I thought you had changed and I still cry myself to sleep, thinking that I could have saved you--that I still could save you. When do I stop hoping that I could redeem you--that you don't ever have to worry because you are with me, you are safe and no one can ever hurt you?

Right now, I still love you. Perhaps I will always love you. You taught me how to be brave and how to take a risk in letting someone in. You taught me how to love deeply and what it feels like to be loved and treasured. I told you before, I have never felt these feelings before. It was all foreign to me. You taught me how to be needed and how to be a little bit dependent on people---mostly you. You taught me how to appreciate the little things in life, and to stop being materialistic. You taught me that it is possible to trust a person wholeheartedly, without holding back, without withholding secrets.

Perhaps, that is also the reason why I am hurting this badly. It is because I let you in, far too much. I didn't know how to control it. And when you chose to leave me, I still wanted you to stay because I gave you so much of myself. It hurts because you didn't choose me, you didn't choose a life with me, you were not content and perhaps, at the back of your mind, you never wanted to marry me.

I'm sorry that you were never content with me.

You know I could have done better if you told me, if you asked me, if you just let me know.

I could have been a better person for you. And honestly, you were good to me, but you could have been better.

I miss you.

a letter to you

Dear you,

You have been in my mind for a long time ever since we fell apart. I never thought you would leave, I never thought you would hurt me like this, I guess I didn't think at all. How do I even begin to explain yearning for you? How do I even say that I still want you, every single day? Or that it doesn't matter how much you hurt me, I know we can still work it out?

I'm sorry that I can't even begin to say this, because I can't. I don't want to yearn for you anymore. I don't want to want you, every single day. In fact, I don't want to want you at all. I don't want you to hurt me, and I know that we can't work it out.

I always thought I was the person who could save you, who could fill your gaps, who could heal your heart, and most especially, I thought I was the last person who could make you feel complete. I wanted you to become a better person, to change, mostly. I didn't think at all. How could someone like me ever hope to save you when you don't want to be redeemed?

I am not yet tired of longing for you, but eventually I will. And when the day comes, I won't be here to save you. Nor will I hope to save you. It's now or never.

Puzzle

Pieces of the puzzle
the one I desperately want to solve
are scattered and lost
How do I put it back together?

Pieces of our puzzle
the one I desperately want to solve
are scattered and lost
How do I put us back together?

Dear you

Dear you,

Why wasn't I enough? What is wrong with me? How could you choose someone new over someone who has seen you at your worst and still chose to love you? How could you pick someone novel over someone who knows you, who knows how to make you happy?

I will keep saying that you don't deserve me, but I didn't deserve you then. You loved me so much, how could that fade so easily? You tell me that possibly, in the future, we could be together. But, I don't want to wait for you. I don't want to be that pathetic. You are my soul mate, my best friend and my future. How could you just throw it all away?

I hope you don't end up with her. And I hope I find someone who could love me as much as you did, but would never choose to leave me. Because I don't deserve being left behind. I don't deserve this at all.

I want you

I want a lot of things, but mostly I just want you.
I want a lot of things, but mostly I just want naps with you.
I want dinner dates with you, movie dates, anything kind of dates.
I want lazy Saturday afternoons and kisses in bed.

I want a lot of things, but mostly I just want you.
I want your irreplaceable hugs, your warmth around me.
I want your body, all of it, satisfying my every sense.
I want you, all of you.

I want a lot of things, but mostly I just want you.
I want your laughs, the smell of your hair or your quirks
I want you to hold my hand, to never let go.
Because what I want is mostly you.

butter--fly

I don't see you moping in the corner.
I don't see your tears every night.
I was just a moment, fleeting by.
You grasped me and then let go.

How can you say such loving words
Only to take it back soon enough
And I am left with my battered wings
Attempting to fly, but not quite.

I am crippled, yet I was supposed to be
something beautiful, ethereal, pleasant
Yet, your release led me to be
distorted, maimed and heartbroken.

How do you live with yourself?

...

I used to think of what I did to deserve you.

Now, I think, what did I do to deserve this?

Wide Awake

As I open my eyes
I expect to see
your wisps of hair
your button nose

As I open my eyes
I expect to see
your enormous smile
your loving eyes

that look straight at me

As I open my eyes,
I expect to see
your fingers twirling mine
you whispering in my ear

sweet nothings, delicate somethings

As I opened my eyes
I expected to see you
awake and laughing,
but I guess that was too much.