Mini Bucket List for 2011

• Watch a movie alone.
• Buy a goddamn tripod.
• Buy a Super Sampler/Micro Holga (I've been wanting these babies since last year.)
• Watch Wong Kar Wai films. (Chungking Express, In the Mood for Love, Happy Together)
• Do my Save the Fish Project
• Get a summer job
• Lose weight
• Buy more clothes from thrift stores
• Save money for to-buy things
• Take lots of pictures
• Focus on being 18 and young!
• Drink more booze. (hehehehehe!!)
• Get the fuck on with life.

The Moving On Letter

This was an email I got last night. It was actually already shared by Martin, a friend. I remember my comment quite clearly stating, "Describes pretty much how I'd feel at the end of the year." In fact it is starting right now. Thank you Jeff Agustin for always knowing what to share. I will fight to move on. ************************* Hi, I'd like to share this article from Peyups (2004), it was written by someone I know way back. I accidentally opened it last night, then I found myself reading it over and over again. Perhaps you might have read this before, but here it is, nonetheless. I think it's just right to end the year with this note, and then move on. Let's. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The Moving On Letter Contributed by weetah (Edited by amplifier) Thursday, February 26, 2004 @ 05:03:34 PM http://www.peyups.com/article.khtml?sid=3349 It occurred to me again, this time in the middle of procrastinating against studying for an exam tomorrow. I kept you safe within the remote areas of my consciousness, but suddenly, as if driven by an unknown force, your memory unearths itself, returning some sort of unfinished business. Consequently, I pause from studying and I start thinking about you. And it always left me a touch of sadness. As far as I was concerned, I made it a point not to think about you anymore, at least not that often as I used to, in the form of preoccupation. There’s a lot of homework to do, friends to spend time and energy with, family affairs, television, radio. There’s even a new object of affection in the rough. Works for the most part, I should say. Within the confines of my room with school books before me, there is forgetting. Just like the manner by which ice cubes freeze bacteria within their crystal networks. As long as they remain frozen, everything’s safe. There is no need to worry. But somehow, you still manage to permeate my system, as if it were an expertise or a tediously-learned skill. Moment by moment, you profusely enter my mind, filling my awareness with lost memories of once-upon-a-times and whatnots. Remembrances of holding hands, afternoon walks, lunch outs, text messages and phone calls. Of yesterday’s seemingly unbreakable promises and proclamations of forever. I should’ve put into mind what an old friend once wrote, ‘Forever is not real’. I have always yearned to understand what had happened between us. Us won’t even suffice: it was never a real relationship to begin with. We just hung out and talked and spent time together more often than we did with our other friends and colleagues. Sometimes it pained me that I could not do anything in my power to make you speak about us. Certainly, the ambiguity was present, the ambiguity which you never wanted to clarify. I could only let you go on with whatever it was that you desired, whether it be ranting about your insecurities, rejoicing over happier news or lamenting about your eventful past. On the other side, I remained silent in the middle of your hyped-up emotion. I was like a child with beaming eyes, eager to hear more stories of how you came about to be the person that you are. For you once told me that listening to you gave you strength to go on, and so I did. I have always wanted you to be okay. Yet when it was my turn to be heard, the silence was a void. I suspended my disbelief when I convinced myself that you always meant well, whenever you apologized for there was nothing you can do about my bouts of depression, or when you simplify things by saying that everything will be alright. I know I should not expect things from other people; perhaps I was at fault when I wanted more from you when you can only give so little. You hurt me. You hurt me many, many times. You hurt me so intensely I never dared to tell you anything about it. I was a fool to think that it was a better way of dealing with things. And that, I presume to be my biggest mistake: I abandoned myself. I sought for your happiness that I forgot about mine altogether. And just like that, you vanished, very much like a soap bubble floating across air. I have watched you in complete awe, wonder and even fascination. And similar to any ethereal fleeting moment, you were gone, leaving me clueless as to whether you even existed in the first place. So maybe what we had was love. Maybe I loved you, and I hope to heavens that you loved me back: even just for a split second when we held hands, or during that moment when I looked into your eyes, or the time when I laughed at one of your silly quirks. I’d be content with that idea, I’d be content that in the course of our friendship, there was a moment of mutuality; even if it was so quick I never noticed it all. Perhaps I still do love you, but that won’t do much now. I can fight to save everything that I’ve invested, but I chose not to. I have treasured you in the past, and that will be enough. Right now, all I can do is wish you well in all your endeavors, including the pursuit for the one who is right for you. When you find her, I wish she makes you happy. You make her happy as well. The end is only a beginning disguised as a parting. I will still think about you every now and then, probably be sad once in a while, but you need not to worry. For I am okay and I will be okay under all circumstances. It may take time for me to love again, but in the long run, it will be all worth it. I may still risk myself, but every risk in its own respect is worth taking anyway. Love is such a convoluted mixture of emotions and decisions that it’s a matter of working your way through it. Thank you for gracing my life like a whirlwind, leaving me breathless and hurt, inspired and furious, affectionate and listless. You’ve taught me quite a lot and I learned them in the most humbling manner. Thank you for showing me what it means to be human, to commit mistakes, and to discover how to regain yourself after everything that had happened. Like what I always say, Ad astra per aspera. A rough road leads to the stars. I’m on my way to becoming stellar.

Fisherman

Like a fisherman

you gently reel me in.

You feed me with bait

The kind which I can't refuse.

And I fight your hook and line

I fight hard and with passion

Fully aware that when you win,

I will be worse than dead.

Suddenly you let go.

I breathe a sigh of relief.

Finally.

I can live.

I feel you again.

And you reel me in hard.

You don't give up.

Nor will I.

I will fight for my freedom.

The liberty I have always craved for.

No matter how painful it may be,

I will struggle for my escape.

Like a fisherman, you reel me in.

Like a fish, I will fight for me.

Patawad

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko gagawing tama ang lahat. Alam kong hindi ko naman kasalanan pero bakit ako pa rin ang hihingi ng tawad? Nakakapagod na ito, hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili ko pagdating sa'yo. Kung maari lang akong uminom ng gamot na pampalimot upang tuluyang mawala ka sa isip ko, gagawin ko iyon sapagkat patuloy akong nahihirapan. Patuloy na nagtitiis. Patuloy na naghihintay.

Patawad kahit di naman dapat ako humingi ng tawad. Patawad kasi ganito tayo ngayon.

Naaalala mo ba tuwing magkasama tayo? Lagi tayong masaya. Ngayon, ni simpleng kamustahan, hindi man lamang natin magawa. Ano ang nangyari?

Gusto kong mahagkan ulit ang dating ikaw. O baka naman, ikaw ngayon ay kung sino ka naman talaga at nabulag lang ako sa pinakita mong ikaw sa mahina kong puso.

Ayoko na. Patawad.

Quick Updates on my Life

I am stuck at home, the ironies of it all, starting with me thinking that I shouldn't go home to Laguna because I needed to do a lot of stuff and now, some unknown force wishes me here in Laguna, at home, doing nothing. Thank you for the rest, Lord but I need to get back on track. The reason for the 5-day rest is, I mean, was, sore eyes. And then I went to the doctor and had it checked out and voila! It was corneal ulcer, something much worse. Google it if you'd like but I most probably got it from wearing my contacts, so says my doctor. I've been isolated to another room in my 1st-4th day, then we found out I wasn't contagious. What a laugh.

Anyway, I had to rant this. I miss school and rehearsing with SIKAT. I sincerely do, I even miss Chem just because I couldn't grasp any of the concepts. I will try to study harder this week, I promise myself that.

On another note, I wished you told me to get well SOON. Or even get well at all. I was waiting and maybe that is the problem, expecting you to do something you obviously wouldn't do at all. Thank you, however, for answering my questions. You know damn well that I do that just to get your attention.

.

I feel like this isolation has brought me to light on issues I am facing now. First, someone pointed out that I am isolated from everyone, my family, my friends. I'm pretty sure that's true and that I just try hard to blend in because I know no other way. I like the isolation and I know I cannot live without it. I cannot write the stuff I write or take the pictures I take if I'm not alone. I like the deep thoughts I enter into and the small beautiful things I appreciate when I'm alone. Second, even if I like the lonely serene world of mine, I sometimes need to step out and stay with someone. Why? To remind me that my world isn't the only existing universe in the world and that is why I need you. I can never know how to express it fully. If you must know, I am telling you in ways of my own, through a text message or a night out, Failing to notice it is still my problem, I know however I do not know of any way to full express to you my intent: to be with you, to deeply unleash my feelings for you and to wish that you do the same. Third, I realize that through the course of time of secretly hiding my feelings for you, I will not prosper in any aspect of my life. I have said this here or in my head a million times. For once, I will try. I will try to make this happen. I will try to let go and enjoy the life I've been given, eventually looking AND finding the person whom I need to be with. I know I will find that person because I know it's not you.