today

Today was one of the worst days. I remember how I felt so vibrant and full of energy, today was absent of that feeling. I know I let go of you a long time ago, but today, I realized that moving on from you is a process. There will be days that I will think about you, that I will cry because maybe, there is still an ounce of pain left: that it does not simply go away, that you can't force it to banish from your system and that loving this deep does not mean moving on quickly.

It started last night when I thought to open my archived messages and your name was there. I remember telling myself not to open it, to move on to other things or to simply just get some rest and forget about it. That's the thing, you can never forget a person. You can never forget those memories that you hold. Perhaps, the memories fade, but there will always be that piece of your last day together, your first date, your last kiss or the moment you realized you fell hard-- and that there was no turning back. Your messages made me smile, then I felt the cold, hard longing for you.

I let my tears flow tonight, I didn't try to stop it. Being strong in the face of others can be taxing, and it can be hard to tell yourself that you've finally moved on, that you don't give a fuck about the other person, or even worse, you tell yourself that maybe now you can be friends. It's been a while since I thought of you, but perhaps I'm not done yet with the process-- that there is more to learn while I am in this. And I choose to feel this pain temporarily because I know it will pass. Just like it always does, knowing that things,feelings and people are always temporary, that they come and go and you have to cherish every moment you are with them.

I am still in the process, perhaps you will always be a part of me and I will sometimes feel the pain. But I'm not afraid to feel it, to let the tears come again, to feel inadequate for a while. I am not afraid because I know this is what makes me human-- I have loved deeply and I was destroyed, possibly still a bit hurting.

Eventually, I will still think of you, not as frequent as today, but trust me you will never leave my heart and my mind. However, my laughter and my tears will not settle for only one person, for a person who's already gone and is never coming back. I will reserve my laughter, my tears, my everything for a person who will stay and who will always return.

Until then, I have today and I will let my pain hurt me.

Because maybe, tomorrow will be different.

everything and nothing

a magician plays with his cards
a poet writes his words
a artist paints his thoughts
everyone is in action

but i sit here in the darkness
trying to compel myself to move
to be free, to live and to love
nothing happens

what are the things you're afraid of
it asks
i answer, but in a soft voice
everything, i guess and nothing at all

To 2014 Janine

I write this on the last day of 2014, to you 2014 Janine. You have been through quite a lot this year, and there is only one word to describe 2014: overwhelming. I cannot entirely say that it was the worst year for you, dear but it was heartbreaking. I know you cannot count how many tears you shed this year or how many nights you cried yourself to sleep. Earlier in the year, you experienced heartbreak like never before and you thought you were not going to survive. I remember the emotional pain translated to physical pain, but you got through it. You always get through it. You always find a way to move on, to let go, to seek better things.

Today, I write to you, 2014 Janine, to say that I am proud of you. You have become the best version of yourself this year, not only physically or emotionally, but also spiritually. You learned to reconnect with God and be thankful for all the blessings you received this year. Sometimes, I think the heartache you/I experienced this past year was kinda worth it for all the improvements I had to undergo through this year. Janine, you learned to let go of people who are not meant to be in your life, you learned to let the memories fade and make space for new ones. You gained new friends and rekindled with old ones. I have nothing to say but that I am so proud of what you allowed yourself to do this year. 

You have always been a strong person and I know that the early months of this year didn't show it, but look at you now. You have improved so much and taken all that negative energy and put it to some good use. I think you are the happiest you have ever been in 2014. I am glad.

Janine, you got to travel so much this year, with friends and family. You kept close ties with your family and learned to appreciate how much family means to you, how important they are and how blessed you are to have them in your life. You got to distinguish who your real friends are, who will never ever leave you at your worst. These are the people who will listen to you cry when you kinda wreck your car and who will listen when you feel a relapse is about to happen. These friends are for keeps, remember that.

I also know you made a lot of mistakes this year, but mistakes are there for learning. You trusted in the wrong people, but that doesn't meant trusting is such a bad thing. I know you are kinda iffy on the whole trust thing, but we will come around to it. I am positive. 

Here's to an overwhelming 2014! I cannot wait for 2015!

P.S.  To the person who broke my heart in 2014,

While you may never get to see this, I would like to extend my gratitude to you for the heartache. I learned how some people are not worth to be in my life and that people who truly love you will always stay, no matter what. There are no excuses. Thank you for teaching me that time changes people, that people change people and when people want to leave you, they will. It makes me happier all the more because I realized that there are people who do want to stay, who make an effort to be with you, who value your worth. In the end, that's what counts. I hope you find the happiness you deserve and I know we can never be friends, but do know that I have no ill feelings towards you. You have become a significant part of my life and you will rightly remain so. Thank you for everything, truly. You will always have a special place in my heart. But now, I get to start over. 

Janine

Dear God,

Feels funny to talk to you even though I've been constantly chatting You up these past few months. I never thought, (well, at least in college) that I would be as close to You as I am now. I remember, sometime, in October, I looked up at the sky and saw the moon. I knew I had to talk to You while gazing above. I thanked you for all the blessings you gave me this past year, as well as the heartaches I had to endure. I don't regret a single thing that happened this year. It might be cliche, but everything I had to go through this year just made me stronger and bolder. It was my first time to become dependent on a person, and I had to realize that depending on people can be heartbreaking, but not so when I depend on you. This year, You made me realize my worth and how I should let certain people go. You showed me that not all people are here to stay, and the ones who do stay are the ones worth keeping.Thank you. You made me open my eyes to the different types of people I could still meet in my lifetime and that I deserve a lot better. 

Honestly, Lord, I am tearing up as I write this because I cannot explain how much I felt Your love this past year when I didn't even deserve a single drop of it. You make me a better person everyday, and for everything You gave me, I will be forever thankful.

I am not mad at You for taking people away from me or letting them leave me. I know You always have a bigger plan. Perhaps these people were not meant to stay or were undeserving of my love. Either way, whatever it is, I am grateful. I guess it took a big step for me to finally realize that the ones we love can ultimately destroy us and break us, but that we can eventually emerge after such tragedy as a better, more improved version of ourselves. I asked you once, "What did I do to deserve this pain?" However, I know better now. The life lessons I learned along the way while experiencing pain and heartbreak was enough to convince me of Your love and care for me. Everything that I experienced in the past year up to this point in my life was all Your doing, and it was for the best. 

You will always be my rock, the person I will only depend on. You have given me new meaning in my life and perhaps, this year entails a new journey in my life. As Gabriela would say, "It's the start of something new." 

Thank you Lord for all the blessings I continue to receive every single day, for the blessing of life and love. Thank you for giving me the courage and motivation for law school, and for giving me the patience to see past the pain that others may have caused me. You are indeed great, Lord.

I love you, Lord.

Janine :)

but I'm lost

I am a lost girl
I can smell your scent, I do
But how do I get to you
Where do I go from here

I am a lost girl
Drunk and yet sober at the same time
Dreaming of your touch
Yet trying to get away from your grasp

Where do I go from here
I want you to find me
But I close my eyes and think again
Maybe I don't want to be found

Where do I go from here
The roads are endless
I don't know where this will lead
But I think I want to get away

From you, from this, from us
But I'm lost.