Saturday, January 17
Today was one of the worst days. I remember how I felt so vibrant and full of energy, today was absent of that feeling. I know I let go of you a long time ago, but today, I realized that moving on from you is a process. There will be days that I will think about you, that I will cry because maybe, there is still an ounce of pain left: that it does not simply go away, that you can't force it to banish from your system and that loving this deep does not mean moving on quickly.
It started last night when I thought to open my archived messages and your name was there. I remember telling myself not to open it, to move on to other things or to simply just get some rest and forget about it. That's the thing, you can never forget a person. You can never forget those memories that you hold. Perhaps, the memories fade, but there will always be that piece of your last day together, your first date, your last kiss or the moment you realized you fell hard-- and that there was no turning back. Your messages made me smile, then I felt the cold, hard longing for you.
I let my tears flow tonight, I didn't try to stop it. Being strong in the face of others can be taxing, and it can be hard to tell yourself that you've finally moved on, that you don't give a fuck about the other person, or even worse, you tell yourself that maybe now you can be friends. It's been a while since I thought of you, but perhaps I'm not done yet with the process-- that there is more to learn while I am in this. And I choose to feel this pain temporarily because I know it will pass. Just like it always does, knowing that things,feelings and people are always temporary, that they come and go and you have to cherish every moment you are with them.
I am still in the process, perhaps you will always be a part of me and I will sometimes feel the pain. But I'm not afraid to feel it, to let the tears come again, to feel inadequate for a while. I am not afraid because I know this is what makes me human-- I have loved deeply and I was destroyed, possibly still a bit hurting.
Eventually, I will still think of you, not as frequent as today, but trust me you will never leave my heart and my mind. However, my laughter and my tears will not settle for only one person, for a person who's already gone and is never coming back. I will reserve my laughter, my tears, my everything for a person who will stay and who will always return.
Until then, I have today and I will let my pain hurt me.
Because maybe, tomorrow will be different.