Tuesday, October 5

Am I special?

I guess on some days, like today, I want to feel special.

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I wonder where you are now, after you told me you'd have to focus. I'm lying on my bed, trying to read your cues(again!) as if it wasn't enough 2 days ago. I look at my phone and re-read your messages, hoping that a word will change in the process and to my liking. I am silent, thinking of how many times you'd ask where I was and then suddenly disappear. I am replaying scenes in my head, scenes that happened and scenes that are yet to happen. In my head, I am fighting with myself, no matter how used that sentence already is. I re-read everything you sent me and pray that this will finally be a sign, a sign that you might like me back, perhaps?

A sign that I am special to you?

Questions. There are so many questions that I know not the answer to. And I know I can always ask but tell me, can I buy courage to ask you? Can I buy willpower to finally confront this? No, and I guess until I find the guts to ask you, I will forever live like this, in ambiguity, in nothing sure or secure and in friendship.

Am I special to you?
Do you trust me?
Can you ever love me?

We hope and we pray, even if we know the answers to these questions. We look away when we do not get the response we wished for. We continue to live like this. We think everything is alright and everything is fine and inside you know it bothers you like crazy. You want to be happy and so you ask...

Am I special to you?

1 comment:

The Constellation of Cancer said...

What a composition! : ) If I have time, soon, I'll write something about this. Emotional, but restraining. Write some more, Janine. : )