needed

Like a toddler grabbing your hand to make you reach something for her, I want you to need me like that.

Is it wrong to continuously expect that I mean something to you?

The loneliness is killing me and the rain is of no help either. The memories are playing in my head, like an old film but still worth watching. And in any minute, it will make me cry. I make the tears stop before they even come because I know I am only hurting myself.

It's no use crying over you, but I still want to.

I want you to need me.

I want you to tell me how your day was.

I want you to laugh with me.

I want you to hug me and tell me that I'm the one who can take away all your stress.

I want to be needed.

But.

I know you don't need me.

Stop pining for something(someone?) you can't have.

Niche

Knock.

Knock.

Knock.

Here I am, hoping again...

hoping for a familiar face to welcome me and greet me because I have nowhere to go.

Here I am, smiling...

in the hopes of successfully concealing my real emotions.

Here I am, standing at your door...

praying that you answer and let me in.

Let me in because I have nowhere to go.

Let me in because I want to know if I can stay somewhere.

If I can stay...

stay and be something to you.

stay and find my niche.

stay and stop letting go.

stay and suffer.

Stay and suffer just to find me in you.

Am I special?

I guess on some days, like today, I want to feel special.

****************************************************************************

I wonder where you are now, after you told me you'd have to focus. I'm lying on my bed, trying to read your cues(again!) as if it wasn't enough 2 days ago. I look at my phone and re-read your messages, hoping that a word will change in the process and to my liking. I am silent, thinking of how many times you'd ask where I was and then suddenly disappear. I am replaying scenes in my head, scenes that happened and scenes that are yet to happen. In my head, I am fighting with myself, no matter how used that sentence already is. I re-read everything you sent me and pray that this will finally be a sign, a sign that you might like me back, perhaps?

A sign that I am special to you?

Questions. There are so many questions that I know not the answer to. And I know I can always ask but tell me, can I buy courage to ask you? Can I buy willpower to finally confront this? No, and I guess until I find the guts to ask you, I will forever live like this, in ambiguity, in nothing sure or secure and in friendship.

Am I special to you?

Do you trust me?

Can you ever love me?

We hope and we pray, even if we know the answers to these questions. We look away when we do not get the response we wished for. We continue to live like this. We think everything is alright and everything is fine and inside you know it bothers you like crazy. You want to be happy and so you ask...

Am I special to you?

Legal at 18

As I'm typing this, the date on my computer will have changed to October 1, 2010. Before October progresses further, I might just have to update my blog on how my 18th birthday went. I can sum up my birthday in one word: SURPRISE! I don't usually like surprises. I don't like not knowing what's going on. So imagine my surprise when I got 4 surprises on my birthday, not all were good though.

I started my birthday early, as early as 8pm. My friend asked me to have dinner with him and he accompanied me until the first hour of my birthday, Monday, September 20. I brought along Boo(my new camera) so I got to take pictures, but not of us together.

Seriously, he was supposed to be studying for exams for that week, but he still accompanied me! He probably was the first one to greet. So thank you, Kuya Ton!

I went back home to the dorm and eventually woke up at 6 am to get ready and attend the Psych Bill forum, waited for my parents to take me to lunch and then went off to my CWTS class.

My parents took me to ROC, yummy food. I didn't get to take pictures except for my Brazo de Mercedes which I shouldn't post here because it just looks disgusting.

Unedited. My classmates surprised me by singing me a birthday song in the middle of our report! I hate being sung to on my birthday but of course, I made an exception. Thank you CWTS classmates!

My last surprise was by my dorm mates. I kinda sensed the "surprise" already. I still appreciated the effort (and the pizza!). Thanks to Katreena, my room mate, for giving time and effort to organize it.

Thank you JP, JR, Monica, Tin and EJ! And Katreena, of course!

Happy birthday to me. I will post a blog post about my debut next time! I have yet to acquire more beautiful pictures of it.

Here's to being 18 and legal!