Mini Bucket List for 2011

• Watch a movie alone.
• Buy a goddamn tripod.
• Buy a Super Sampler/Micro Holga (I've been wanting these babies since last year.)
• Watch Wong Kar Wai films. (Chungking Express, In the Mood for Love, Happy Together)
• Do my Save the Fish Project
• Get a summer job
• Lose weight
• Buy more clothes from thrift stores
• Save money for to-buy things
• Take lots of pictures
• Focus on being 18 and young!
• Drink more booze. (hehehehehe!!)
• Get the fuck on with life.

The Moving On Letter

This was an email I got last night. It was actually already shared by Martin, a friend. I remember my comment quite clearly stating, "Describes pretty much how I'd feel at the end of the year." In fact it is starting right now. Thank you Jeff Agustin for always knowing what to share. I will fight to move on. ************************* Hi, I'd like to share this article from Peyups (2004), it was written by someone I know way back. I accidentally opened it last night, then I found myself reading it over and over again. Perhaps you might have read this before, but here it is, nonetheless. I think it's just right to end the year with this note, and then move on. Let's. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The Moving On Letter Contributed by weetah (Edited by amplifier) Thursday, February 26, 2004 @ 05:03:34 PM http://www.peyups.com/article.khtml?sid=3349 It occurred to me again, this time in the middle of procrastinating against studying for an exam tomorrow. I kept you safe within the remote areas of my consciousness, but suddenly, as if driven by an unknown force, your memory unearths itself, returning some sort of unfinished business. Consequently, I pause from studying and I start thinking about you. And it always left me a touch of sadness. As far as I was concerned, I made it a point not to think about you anymore, at least not that often as I used to, in the form of preoccupation. There’s a lot of homework to do, friends to spend time and energy with, family affairs, television, radio. There’s even a new object of affection in the rough. Works for the most part, I should say. Within the confines of my room with school books before me, there is forgetting. Just like the manner by which ice cubes freeze bacteria within their crystal networks. As long as they remain frozen, everything’s safe. There is no need to worry. But somehow, you still manage to permeate my system, as if it were an expertise or a tediously-learned skill. Moment by moment, you profusely enter my mind, filling my awareness with lost memories of once-upon-a-times and whatnots. Remembrances of holding hands, afternoon walks, lunch outs, text messages and phone calls. Of yesterday’s seemingly unbreakable promises and proclamations of forever. I should’ve put into mind what an old friend once wrote, ‘Forever is not real’. I have always yearned to understand what had happened between us. Us won’t even suffice: it was never a real relationship to begin with. We just hung out and talked and spent time together more often than we did with our other friends and colleagues. Sometimes it pained me that I could not do anything in my power to make you speak about us. Certainly, the ambiguity was present, the ambiguity which you never wanted to clarify. I could only let you go on with whatever it was that you desired, whether it be ranting about your insecurities, rejoicing over happier news or lamenting about your eventful past. On the other side, I remained silent in the middle of your hyped-up emotion. I was like a child with beaming eyes, eager to hear more stories of how you came about to be the person that you are. For you once told me that listening to you gave you strength to go on, and so I did. I have always wanted you to be okay. Yet when it was my turn to be heard, the silence was a void. I suspended my disbelief when I convinced myself that you always meant well, whenever you apologized for there was nothing you can do about my bouts of depression, or when you simplify things by saying that everything will be alright. I know I should not expect things from other people; perhaps I was at fault when I wanted more from you when you can only give so little. You hurt me. You hurt me many, many times. You hurt me so intensely I never dared to tell you anything about it. I was a fool to think that it was a better way of dealing with things. And that, I presume to be my biggest mistake: I abandoned myself. I sought for your happiness that I forgot about mine altogether. And just like that, you vanished, very much like a soap bubble floating across air. I have watched you in complete awe, wonder and even fascination. And similar to any ethereal fleeting moment, you were gone, leaving me clueless as to whether you even existed in the first place. So maybe what we had was love. Maybe I loved you, and I hope to heavens that you loved me back: even just for a split second when we held hands, or during that moment when I looked into your eyes, or the time when I laughed at one of your silly quirks. I’d be content with that idea, I’d be content that in the course of our friendship, there was a moment of mutuality; even if it was so quick I never noticed it all. Perhaps I still do love you, but that won’t do much now. I can fight to save everything that I’ve invested, but I chose not to. I have treasured you in the past, and that will be enough. Right now, all I can do is wish you well in all your endeavors, including the pursuit for the one who is right for you. When you find her, I wish she makes you happy. You make her happy as well. The end is only a beginning disguised as a parting. I will still think about you every now and then, probably be sad once in a while, but you need not to worry. For I am okay and I will be okay under all circumstances. It may take time for me to love again, but in the long run, it will be all worth it. I may still risk myself, but every risk in its own respect is worth taking anyway. Love is such a convoluted mixture of emotions and decisions that it’s a matter of working your way through it. Thank you for gracing my life like a whirlwind, leaving me breathless and hurt, inspired and furious, affectionate and listless. You’ve taught me quite a lot and I learned them in the most humbling manner. Thank you for showing me what it means to be human, to commit mistakes, and to discover how to regain yourself after everything that had happened. Like what I always say, Ad astra per aspera. A rough road leads to the stars. I’m on my way to becoming stellar.

Fisherman

Like a fisherman

you gently reel me in.

You feed me with bait

The kind which I can't refuse.

And I fight your hook and line

I fight hard and with passion

Fully aware that when you win,

I will be worse than dead.

Suddenly you let go.

I breathe a sigh of relief.

Finally.

I can live.

I feel you again.

And you reel me in hard.

You don't give up.

Nor will I.

I will fight for my freedom.

The liberty I have always craved for.

No matter how painful it may be,

I will struggle for my escape.

Like a fisherman, you reel me in.

Like a fish, I will fight for me.

Patawad

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko gagawing tama ang lahat. Alam kong hindi ko naman kasalanan pero bakit ako pa rin ang hihingi ng tawad? Nakakapagod na ito, hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili ko pagdating sa'yo. Kung maari lang akong uminom ng gamot na pampalimot upang tuluyang mawala ka sa isip ko, gagawin ko iyon sapagkat patuloy akong nahihirapan. Patuloy na nagtitiis. Patuloy na naghihintay.

Patawad kahit di naman dapat ako humingi ng tawad. Patawad kasi ganito tayo ngayon.

Naaalala mo ba tuwing magkasama tayo? Lagi tayong masaya. Ngayon, ni simpleng kamustahan, hindi man lamang natin magawa. Ano ang nangyari?

Gusto kong mahagkan ulit ang dating ikaw. O baka naman, ikaw ngayon ay kung sino ka naman talaga at nabulag lang ako sa pinakita mong ikaw sa mahina kong puso.

Ayoko na. Patawad.

Quick Updates on my Life

I am stuck at home, the ironies of it all, starting with me thinking that I shouldn't go home to Laguna because I needed to do a lot of stuff and now, some unknown force wishes me here in Laguna, at home, doing nothing. Thank you for the rest, Lord but I need to get back on track. The reason for the 5-day rest is, I mean, was, sore eyes. And then I went to the doctor and had it checked out and voila! It was corneal ulcer, something much worse. Google it if you'd like but I most probably got it from wearing my contacts, so says my doctor. I've been isolated to another room in my 1st-4th day, then we found out I wasn't contagious. What a laugh.

Anyway, I had to rant this. I miss school and rehearsing with SIKAT. I sincerely do, I even miss Chem just because I couldn't grasp any of the concepts. I will try to study harder this week, I promise myself that.

On another note, I wished you told me to get well SOON. Or even get well at all. I was waiting and maybe that is the problem, expecting you to do something you obviously wouldn't do at all. Thank you, however, for answering my questions. You know damn well that I do that just to get your attention.

.

I feel like this isolation has brought me to light on issues I am facing now. First, someone pointed out that I am isolated from everyone, my family, my friends. I'm pretty sure that's true and that I just try hard to blend in because I know no other way. I like the isolation and I know I cannot live without it. I cannot write the stuff I write or take the pictures I take if I'm not alone. I like the deep thoughts I enter into and the small beautiful things I appreciate when I'm alone. Second, even if I like the lonely serene world of mine, I sometimes need to step out and stay with someone. Why? To remind me that my world isn't the only existing universe in the world and that is why I need you. I can never know how to express it fully. If you must know, I am telling you in ways of my own, through a text message or a night out, Failing to notice it is still my problem, I know however I do not know of any way to full express to you my intent: to be with you, to deeply unleash my feelings for you and to wish that you do the same. Third, I realize that through the course of time of secretly hiding my feelings for you, I will not prosper in any aspect of my life. I have said this here or in my head a million times. For once, I will try. I will try to make this happen. I will try to let go and enjoy the life I've been given, eventually looking AND finding the person whom I need to be with. I know I will find that person because I know it's not you.

tama na

Tama na.
Nakakapagod pa rin hanggang ngayon.
Wala namang magandang naidudulot ito.
Basag na ang lahat.
Hindi ko na maaayos.

Tama na.
Sana nakikita mo ang nakikita ng iba
na maaaring dati ay lagi akong nandyan
ngunit di na ngayon.
Ayoko na.

Tama na.
Kasi para akong gamit na nilalabas lamang
tuwing kailangan.
At pag hindi na?
Nasa isang tabi, umiiyak.

Sana nararamdaman mo lahat ng nararamdaman ko.
Sana sa iyo nalang ang sakit na hindi ko na kayang buhatin.
Sana nabibigyan mo ako ng halaga.
Kahit minsan lang, maramdaman ko man lang ang saya sa'yo.
Pero tama na, ayoko na. Nakakapagod pala ang mahalin ka.

wala

Kasi nakakapagod na.
Paulit-ulit ang mga pangyayari.
Walang nagbabago.
Kung mayroon man ay babalik din sa dati.

Wala na akong alam na gawin.
Sinanay mo ako nang ganito.
Pero ngayon, bigla kang nawawala.
Hindi ko maintindihan.

Siguro may mali sa akin.
Wala ka nang makitang kakaiba sa akin.
Pare, okay lang naman.
Basta ba nagsasabi ka.

Nakakapagod kasing maghintay ng sagot
Na sa loob-loob mo ay alam mo naman
Alam mo naman e...alam mo namang
Hindi ito darating.

Bakit ka pa ba naghihintay?
Kung naghihintay ka lang naman
Naghihintay ka lang
Para sa wala.

weighing options

I cannot express clearly anymore.

I am trapped.

There is a swirl of emotions, some I do not know the names of.

But I am mostly afraid.

And that's because I do not know what to do anymore.

As unclear as our relationship will ever be

Full of color

Not really seeing the real picture

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry because my mouth can't produce the right sounds or words to fit you.

I'm sorry because my brain isn't as intelligent or as profound as you hoped it would be.

I'm sorry because my actions aren't appropriate for you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I have little faith in myself when I talk to you.

I'm sorry that I am confused.

I'm sorry that I'm sensitive and that I don't want to show you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry but this is the will be my oxygen for now.

I'm sorry but it has to begin and end this way.

I'm sorry but I'm letting you go.

I am sorry for me.

needed

Like a toddler grabbing your hand to make you reach something for her, I want you to need me like that.

Is it wrong to continuously expect that I mean something to you?

The loneliness is killing me and the rain is of no help either. The memories are playing in my head, like an old film but still worth watching. And in any minute, it will make me cry. I make the tears stop before they even come because I know I am only hurting myself.

It's no use crying over you, but I still want to.

I want you to need me.

I want you to tell me how your day was.

I want you to laugh with me.

I want you to hug me and tell me that I'm the one who can take away all your stress.

I want to be needed.

But.

I know you don't need me.

Stop pining for something(someone?) you can't have.

Niche

Knock.

Knock.

Knock.

Here I am, hoping again...

hoping for a familiar face to welcome me and greet me because I have nowhere to go.

Here I am, smiling...

in the hopes of successfully concealing my real emotions.

Here I am, standing at your door...

praying that you answer and let me in.

Let me in because I have nowhere to go.

Let me in because I want to know if I can stay somewhere.

If I can stay...

stay and be something to you.

stay and find my niche.

stay and stop letting go.

stay and suffer.

Stay and suffer just to find me in you.

Am I special?

I guess on some days, like today, I want to feel special.

****************************************************************************

I wonder where you are now, after you told me you'd have to focus. I'm lying on my bed, trying to read your cues(again!) as if it wasn't enough 2 days ago. I look at my phone and re-read your messages, hoping that a word will change in the process and to my liking. I am silent, thinking of how many times you'd ask where I was and then suddenly disappear. I am replaying scenes in my head, scenes that happened and scenes that are yet to happen. In my head, I am fighting with myself, no matter how used that sentence already is. I re-read everything you sent me and pray that this will finally be a sign, a sign that you might like me back, perhaps?

A sign that I am special to you?

Questions. There are so many questions that I know not the answer to. And I know I can always ask but tell me, can I buy courage to ask you? Can I buy willpower to finally confront this? No, and I guess until I find the guts to ask you, I will forever live like this, in ambiguity, in nothing sure or secure and in friendship.

Am I special to you?

Do you trust me?

Can you ever love me?

We hope and we pray, even if we know the answers to these questions. We look away when we do not get the response we wished for. We continue to live like this. We think everything is alright and everything is fine and inside you know it bothers you like crazy. You want to be happy and so you ask...

Am I special to you?

Legal at 18

As I'm typing this, the date on my computer will have changed to October 1, 2010. Before October progresses further, I might just have to update my blog on how my 18th birthday went. I can sum up my birthday in one word: SURPRISE! I don't usually like surprises. I don't like not knowing what's going on. So imagine my surprise when I got 4 surprises on my birthday, not all were good though.

I started my birthday early, as early as 8pm. My friend asked me to have dinner with him and he accompanied me until the first hour of my birthday, Monday, September 20. I brought along Boo(my new camera) so I got to take pictures, but not of us together.

Seriously, he was supposed to be studying for exams for that week, but he still accompanied me! He probably was the first one to greet. So thank you, Kuya Ton!

I went back home to the dorm and eventually woke up at 6 am to get ready and attend the Psych Bill forum, waited for my parents to take me to lunch and then went off to my CWTS class.

My parents took me to ROC, yummy food. I didn't get to take pictures except for my Brazo de Mercedes which I shouldn't post here because it just looks disgusting.

Unedited. My classmates surprised me by singing me a birthday song in the middle of our report! I hate being sung to on my birthday but of course, I made an exception. Thank you CWTS classmates!

My last surprise was by my dorm mates. I kinda sensed the "surprise" already. I still appreciated the effort (and the pizza!). Thanks to Katreena, my room mate, for giving time and effort to organize it.

Thank you JP, JR, Monica, Tin and EJ! And Katreena, of course!

Happy birthday to me. I will post a blog post about my debut next time! I have yet to acquire more beautiful pictures of it.

Here's to being 18 and legal!

One Love, One Lifetime (from the Best of Youngblood)

I fell in love with this article. Somehow, this article makes me feel that I am not alone in feeling this way and that I shouldn't resign myself to being sad, that I should make myself blame you for my misery. In fact, I caused this upon myself and I am still glad that I felt it all and that I still do. I dedicate this to you and to the many girls out there who felt, feel and will feel the same way. :)

One Love, One Lifetime
by quickmelt (a pseudonym)

In the sixteenth summer of my life I fell in love for the first time. Naturally, I had no idea what I was getting into. Youth, for all its freshness and vigor, does not have the wisdom of past experience. And so it was that I was very ill-equipped when Cupid's arrows first struck. I still had fairy-tale notions of love: Boy likes girl, girl likes boy, boy and girl pledge undying love for each other, and they live happily ever after. I only had to find my Prince Charming, and everything would be smooth sailing. I was young and invincible. No sadness could touch me, especially in the arena of romance.
To young people finding themselves drawn to someone for the first time, everthing is wonderful and new. I once read that love is like God's finger on your shoulder. Every beautiful thing in the world feels like it was made solely for your enjoyment, like a gift chosen with only you in mind. Perhaps the greatest of all these gifts is the sound of your heart catching in your throat at the sight of a boy smiling at you as though you, too, were a gift he cannot quite thank God enough for.
When I look back athe days when I was all giddy with that first discovery of love, I find that the grass was greener, the air was fresher and even the sun was kinder, not sending its rays down to punish my back on sweltering afternoons, like it does not, but bathing me in its radiance so that I had the morning sunshine in my smile. The splendor of creation, the marvel of life -- I had never tasted them more fully than when I had a heart grateful for the first touch of love. It felt like I had the whole world in my hands, the power to do whatever I pleased, in my own sweet time as soon as I had finished attending to greater things at hand, such as the business of love. My prince had come on his white charger, to rescue me from my ordinary, solitary existence. Suddenly, I had someone to hold my hand. It was bliss. It was ecstasy. I was madly, deeply, truly in love.
I thought my happiness was without end. I thought that since we had naturally gravitated toward each other, it would be a simple thing to get together and be sweethearts until our hearts gave out in our golden years. Of natural causes, not of exhaustion, like I don't feel like loving you anymore. Of a coronary disease, maybe, not some mysterious happenstance, like where is the love we used to know?
Where did it go? I don't know. Maybe it was too beautiful to last. Maybe the deities who bestowed this wondrous gift on me decided they could not extend their generosity any further. Maybe it wasn't love at all. Maybe it was merely a sweet but insignificant friendship, that in my romantic delusion I had exaggerated into a grand love affair. Years of sleepless nights, countless tears and endless soul searching have given me no answers.
But if it wasn't love, what could it possibly have been? What was it that made me feel his present like no other, day after day, month after month, year after year? He would walk into a room and my attention would immediately be riveted to him, like an oarsman in the dead of night fixing his eyes on a lighthouse miles and miles away. I would see him come out of a building, and my eyes would light up like incandescent bulbs. He would smile at me and I'd melt, quicker than you can say quickmelt. He would grant me the privilege of his company, and like a kitten I would purr contentedly in my master's lap. I would see him over the weekend, and no amount of stress could ruin my happiness for two weeks thereafter. He would talk to me for a while, and I'd panic for lack of something appropriate to say, and my toungue would fall back in my throat and stay there for the rest of the conversation almost asphyxiating me. He would narrate some anecdote, and I could recite it from memory many months after everyone else had forgotten it. He would crack one of his numerous jokes and I'd laugh like a hyena, loving the sound of his voice, more than the sound of my own laughter. He would open his mouth to say something, and I would hear the loveliest music and feel my face glow with intense satisfaction, like when my father used to take me to the supermarket to pick as many Dole pineapple juice an off the shelves as I cared.
Even to this day, when I have successfully convinced myself and unsuccessfully convinced my friends that I have fallen out of love with him, I cannot help but cast one last glance in his direction every time he says goodbye and starts to walk away to an existence entirely separate from my own. I keep my eyes on his until the last hair on his head is out of sight, trying to preserve every detail of his appearance oin my memory until the time I will see him again.
I loved his smile most of all. It must have been the same smile NOah had upon seeing the rainbow after the Great Flood. Swirling masses of dark clouds and slowly, one by one, little fingers of light coalesce to reveal a brilliant arc of colored light in the sky. I remember how he used to smile at me when we'd pass each other in the school corridors. Reflexively I'd smile back, grinning like silly, my meager dimples stretched up to my ears, my face dangerously close to splitting. He'd give me that dazzling smile of his and everything would stop just like that. It was as if the world had cesed to exist; it was nly me and him: his glistening retainers the vertiginous dance of my heart. When they said money can't buy happiness, they must have meant the happiness that comes with first love.
He gave me the greatest happiness as well as the greatest sadness of my young life. The times when he made me feel most loved will always be like commemorative gold coins in mint condition in my mind. When you hear your beat in unison with another even for the most fleeting moment, that's one moment you will never forget.
I fell apart when it finally became clear that we weren't getting anywhere, at least not together and that our great love affair was only being carried on in my imagination. Love is a woman's existence, and mine became totally disordered. I could not sleep. I could not eat. I could not study. I could not do anyhting but think of him. I cannot imagine it now, but there was a time when my every thought was of him. I would be praying and I'd think of him, and then I'd pray, "Please God, I love him. Please let him love me again." I would be eating, and then I'd recall somemeal we had taken together in some restaurant I cannot enter now without him beside me again. I would be studying, and I'd remember mechanically doing my homework. I would be sleeping, and if I so much as dreamt of his shadow, I'd be sleepless for days afterward. I would be looking at the stars in thesky, and then I'd recite that childhood rhyme: Starlight, star bight/ first, second, third, ad infinitum star I saw tonight, please grant me his love anew. I would be living my life in the present, then I'd think of him and suddenly I'd want to live the past all over again. Once I nearly tore off the tuning knob from the radio, switching stations because one song kept on playing on the airwaves, telling this is your story, when I was desperately trying to put a semblance of normality in my life (and trying to cram for my finals).
Two years down the line, I discovered tennis and took out my frustration on the hapless, fuzzy, yellow balls. In no time at all, I had an excellent serve, but alas, I could not master the groundstrokes.
I pined for him until I could pine no longer. I kept my life empty for the longest time so that he could freely re-enter anytime he wished. Now I realize that this was a great disservice to myself. In my great, tragic love for this person I had forgotten to love myself and became a victim of my own neglect. Buth then in the anguished livesw the young lead, they need drama commensurate to their hormonal levels, and my drama was wasting away for a boy I had lost, I guess, to college education.
Through it all I loved him very much. I love him so much that, as the cliche goes, I could not deny him his happiness. If he was happier with someone else, so be it. If he was happier with me as only friend, so be it. Though it sometimes felt like I had a wound in my heart, it didn't matter, I loved him anyway. After a while, it didn't matter that he didn't love me in return, I loved him anyway. When he'd wonder if there was a girl out there for him, I could scarcely stop myself from screaming, "Here I am, you doofus, no need to go far." When he did ask me for any fabors to my inconvenience, I would whine inside but my brain would be in a frenzy cancelling appointments so I could be at his beck and call. I loved him so much I felt it was such a massive injustice, tyranny even, that I could have have him, when I was probably the one who loved him most, after his mother. I would never let any harm come to him. Touch a hair on his head and I'd metamorphose into the Incredible Hulk and kill you.
Call it stupidity, call it insanity, call it obsession, call it infatuation, call it whatever you want, it was love, sweet bittersweet love. With love, as with faith, if you believe that's justification enough, no explanation is necessary. If you do not, no explanation is possible. When you are blessed enough to love, it will change you in so many ways you can never be the same again.
Love means different things to different people, different things at different times. LIke everything, it changes. It waxes and wanes like the moon.
In all my years of loving one boy with all the love my heart could hold, I learned that no matter where I went, no matter what I did, no matter who I was with, there was only one person for me, no matter if he long ago ceased to feel the same way. It was not his fault that I was so unhappy for so long, it was simply my misfortune, my cross to carry. In spite of everything, I am a better person, and I will forever be indebted to him for teaching me how it is to love. Never mind that his teaching was done mostly in absentia. I madly, deeply, truly loved him. I hope never to dishonor that love by engaging in cheap flings with whoever catches my fancy at the moment.
To me love is not a conquest, much less one conquest after another. Conquest denotes subjugation, a submission to a more powerful will. You do not make a person submit to your will and mold him as you see fit to make him more lovable in your eyes. You love him for what he is. You do not gloss over his imperfections, you learn to live with his flaws. You do not brag to your friends that he is yours for the taking, there is no place for braggadocio in love. You wait instead anxiously for the next time he tells you he loves you, no matter if it may never happen and in the meantime the uncertainty is making you miserable. You do not lead him on with empty displays of affection. You do not boost his ego with false praises, only to give him the ultimate put-down by taking him for a fool. You find yourself sppechless with admiration and fear that the slightest touch will betray the depth of your emotion. You do not cry foul when you see that the course of love has not gone according to your fervent wishes. You do not bawl at him, "HOw dare you tell me you love, take my heart, and then disappear from my life." You do not demand the return of glorious days long past. You do not blame him for your shattered illusions and waylaid dreams and least of all for your broken heart. Even in the lowest troughs of self-pity and despair, you cannot bring youself to cause him the slightest grief. You would rather die than give him the slightest hint that he has anything to do with your unhappiness. Love bears all-- maybe not always with a smile that's big enough for all the world to see, but just one that's brave enough to tell him it's okay, you'll live so he doesn't have to feel bad.
It is never easy to lay open the door to your heart, because love and rejection get in the same way. Love is not for the faint-hearted. I loved once, and years later I am still reeling from it. Having survived one heartbreak has not lessened my fear of going through another. Thus I envy people who can plunge headlong into relationships after but just some tentative attempts at getting to know antoher person. I envy people who can meet strangers and shortly afterward declare that they were meant for each other. I envy those who are not afraid to go after their happiness and damn the consequences. I envy people who can go from conquest to conquest without feeling diminished by it.
I can never be like them. I don't think like them. ONce you've tasted manna from heaven, why bother with bread from the baker? Nothing compares with it.
Until God sends me my angel on earth to love and to cherish forever, I will be content to be alone. I have learned to swallow my loneliness like a bitter pill, hoping that my good behavior will make fate smile at me and say, "Here is the one for you. Live happily ever after, your name is written on his heart."
One love, one lifetime -- that is my hope. Not one conquest after another. As Sting says, that's not the shape of my heart. (June 4 & 6, 1996).

tug of war

I walked into the room
You, in an adorable shirt
One that I love on you
You don't notice me.

I can see you staring
Or maybe it's my imagination
It runs wild you see
When it's you.

You pass by
I want to say something
But I turn away
I don't want to notice you.

on my way to 400

I'm stopping with the emo shizz for a while and will just update you with my life. I have two papers due next week and I'm about finished with 1/4. I feel so bummed that I'm so lazy these past few days. So I'm just going to post a few pictures instead.

It was my bestfriend Roan's birthday last Thursday but we had a mini-debut for her last Tuesday. It was organized by her boyfriend Paul and some of our high school friends. :) We had so much fun!

18 shots with Yakult. FTW hahahaha

Our Asian poses ~o~

We had balloons which we let loose on the roof deck.

Theme was High School. I miss HS.

These are the friends I can make the lolziest of poses with :)

5 years of friendship

5 years of friendship! I realized that my 4 years in high school wouldn't be complete without this girl. :)

Taken by Paul Gernale at her mini debut last Tuesday :)

another letter to myself

Dear Me,

Here we go again. You're confused. You feel like it's the right thing to do. Waiting is not the answer. Move on, get a life and have fun with friends. Stop thinking you're not of value. You are. A lot of people love you and appreciate you and you shouldn't limit yourself to depending on what he thinks. He's not the only person in your life. Stop feeling inferior or ugly. People say otherwise. You should find someone who is worthy of your love and appreciates who you are. You will end up hurting yourself even more if you keep this up.

Also, stop being jealous of her. You're not in a position to be and you know that quite well. Stop thinking about it all the time. It just gives you headaches and awful chest pains that you don't know why the hell it's happening. Relax and love life, please. You really need to.

Love,
Your concerned self

P.S. Continue eating and stop the constant dieting. You're not fat, okay?

in a sea of clouds

I sometimes wonder what it would be like

To worry about nothing

And rest my head on clouds

Not minding a single thing

It would be probably put some life into me

Cheer me up in a unique approach

Water my thirst for rest

Because I am tired.

But if staying in the sea of clouds

meant leaving you and losing our connection

I'd rather stay tired

than forever lose everything with you.

Then again, maybe I'm tired.

no place

this is not the first time

i am getting buried again

funny, i care now

but i still don't do anything.

i try to penetrate your bubble

with things you love

you don't mind

because you don't know.

you don't know

because i have no place

i have no place

in a life you call yours.

For you, because you continue to ignore me. And maybe this time, it hurts.

because i've lost the ability to play with words tonight

And just because I miss you and I know that you'll love me forever because I know a person who never will. This is my consolation. :)

Smile on my face

It's been a while since I saw a smile on my face.
I'm not losing anything.
The desire burns inside me still.
I'm sorry if you don't like it.

I will continue to nurse the feelings I have for you.
I will because I still can.
In my mind and my heart,
I know I still love all of you.

And because you're worth it, I won't give you up just yet.

I Thought You Said Summer Is Going To Take the Pain Away

*credits to Hello Saferide

The love I felt/feel for you is the most wonderful thing that I ever experienced.

notes in the sand

Write

What I want to tell you in the sand

Careful strokes

because I want it to stay forever

Happy

because I know you'll keep it forever

You won't forget

my notes in the sand

Then came the waves

erasing what I worked hard for

I look at you with

tears in my eyes

You poured water on my notes in the sand.

Illusions

In my mind there are countless images

Vivid, defined, surreal.

I hold your hand and you smile.

If I held it tighter, you wouldn't mind.

I must be sick in the head

for seeing you when I'm not supposed to.

Images. I can only see images.

Illusions, if you must put it that way.

I am still holding on.

I am still here.

I am still giving.

But I need to let go.

vertigo

I am standing on the edge of a cliff ready to fall.

There was a rope around my waist, which I quickly removed.

I look down, hoping someone might catch me.

I was hoping it would be you.

I smile because you are there.

And then begin to laugh at myself

because you turned away

When you saw me.

Beautiful sights are waiting for me.

And I still choose to fall beyond the cliff

even if no one will embrace my fall

because I do not want emptiness.

Fall even if there is nothing to fall on.

I never thought that removing you from my system would cause this much damage.

I feel lost and confused and I don't like it. I wish I had a magic lamp to wish you away and not make me suffer.

I succumb. I have no idea, no clue on what I'm doing. :|

snap

A Picture of You

It's funny that I have an amalgam of emotions whenever you come to mind. There are waves of joy, lines of anger and circles of a certain four-letter word. I look at myself in the mirror and all I imagine is your eyes staring back at me. As I leave for school, I am searching for an indication, any sign that you're around. All I get is a picture of you in my head. I am in no control of the environment, I simply go with what my mind is cruising to. I sway with my emotions crashing to the rocks of uncertain possibilities.

I know I should stop. And stop I will, when I finally erase that picture of you.

suddenly

Suddenly I wanted to be near you.

Suddenly I didn't care.

then and now

Then, I knew what I felt for you.

Now, I don't know anything anymore.

my last letter to you

Hey,

This will be my last letter to you. I've realized that I will never ever be good enough for you and no matter how much effort I put in, you will never like me. I'm not sorry that I felt something for you, because I believe that in some way, you changed me for the better. You taught me to love myself even more because not everyone will give me the love and attention that I will crave for and deserve. Thank you for giving me roughly 10 months of pain, joy and unrequited love. Thank you for being there when I didn't need you. Thank you for not replying to my text messages and only attempting to text me when I was so close to forgetting you. Thank you for coming at the wrong time. Thank you for giving me false hope that I almost always depended on. Thank you for making me look stupid in I-can't-count-anymore-because-it's-too-many times. Thanks for letting me depend on your opinions, when I shouldn't have. Thanks for the stories you told me. Thanks for sometimes sharing your life with me, even though I know you think I'm not worthy to hear it. Thanks for using me to continuously build your confidence, while I get left with none. Thank you for everything you wanted and everything I didn't get.

Sorry that I wasn't good enough for you. Sorry that I could never match up to the girls you wanted. Sorry that I'm stupid at times. I'm sorry that I make no sense at all because that's what I am when I'm with you. Sorry for being ugly or fat. Sorry for having fat legs or too many pimples or scars or anything that you don't like about me.

I wanted your love, but I don't anymore. I don't want to be stuck with a person who wouldn't appreciate me.

This is who I am. And I'm getting over you. FINALLY.

One Night

One night.

I put everything in my hands.

It was heavy and I didn't want to carry it while I walked.

And suddenly, I couldn't hold it any longer.

You slipped from my hands

and I felt the cold space where you once were.

And you were moving fast.

I tried to catch you...

And then you vanished.

my thoughts on the upcoming Philippine Elections 2010

Something to think about for this day.
Yesterday was the last official day for campaigns. It is now time for the people to decide who is the best for the jobs, may it be your local government officials or your senators. The most crucial people probably would have to decide on is their Presidential candidate. It is vital because anyone who will sit in the highest position in the country can make or break our country.

I call upon the voters who will exercise their right to vote for who they BELIEVE is COMPETENT, an EXCELLENT track record and has very GOOD morals. Vote for someone who you know has proven himself worthy of the presidency. Vote for someone who has done something, continues to do something and will DEFINITELY do something.

Do not be blinded by emotions and practice reason in voting for your candidates.

May the best men win. :)

today

The wind whispers as I walk the dead road to you
this is not foreign to me.
I have walked this road a million times
but today the trip is different.

The smell of the once blooming flowers are repugnant.
I stop and it is the same all around.
No beautiful and tall trees nor is there
the weird shaped clouds that I find so unique.

If it was any other day but today,
I would have burst out in rage.

But it is today,
and all I see are rotten fruits, unpleasant flowers,
lifeless animals and the seemingly chipped road
to you.

Just because it is today.

*A special thanks to Ate Ish! You are an angel. <3 Thank you for always reading my blog.

A Letter to Myself

Dear Me,

My self-esteem has finally hit its all-time low today. I feel fat and ugly and miserable. I noticed that on my way to school and I couldn't help but feel depressed. Ever since I started college, my self-esteem started to drop.

You, can do something about this. But you are clearly not. I will allow you to sulk for the meantime, but as soon as you can get your feet back on the ground, you will emerge as the beautiful butterfly that you are, even if you think you're not.

Save yourself.

Love, Me

...

After a year, I realized that nothing will happen and if I believed in destiny, I'd say we were not meant to be.

loss

I feel like I know you and then I don't.

I feel I understand you and then I don't.

I feel you

and then I'm not sure anymore.

I feel you slipping out of my mind.

I desperately try

I scream and cry

And you are out.

You smile.

I...

struck

I wake up and it's your face that greets me.

In no less than 3 words, you ask it.

I think it's you, but you are covered.

My eyes form the image that it's you.

I am wrong.

You do not care for me.

Nor have you ever loved me.

I keep hoping, it's destroying me.

Hang on, the voice tells me.

You can make it, it shouts.

How can I make it?

If I will never be sure it's you.

uncertainties

i am an acrobat

waiting for my turn

slowly and gently releasing

but i grip on tightly once in a while

i am a dreamer

waiting for a goal

slowly and gently reaching out

but i fall back down once in a while

i am a tree

waiting for sunshine

slowly and gently swaying

but i close my eyes once in a while

i am me

waiting for you

slowly and gently loving

but i crumble every time.

is there a right term?

You looked divine.

My eyes are clouded with darkness.

Darkness because I cannot fully understand.

Why do you keep hurting me?

On and on I say the things I can't speak

The things I should be saying to you are vast.

What can I do?

Please let me know.

You speak to me

and I don't reply.

I'm clouded by the darkness.

I wish you didn't hurt me.

elsewhere

I could have sworn that I did not see it coming.

I do not know for certain what I still feel for you.

The endless roads seemed to be moving

in various directions, in endless paths.

The journey was both ours

I wish you saw me that way

We were both in the same cloud

But your heart is elsewhere.

I look at you a certain way,

There is no greater feeling in the world

than to have you close

To have you here.

Your heart is elsewhere.

A Letter For You (among so many letters I continue to write in my head)

I want to give up.

I want to stop being wrapped up in a world where I know what I want happens. What are the odds of me getting what I would love to have?

You sit in a corner and I notice you. I could never ignore your stance, the way you dressed today, your shoes, your smile and that adorable thing you just can't seem to shake off. I'm not as observant as you, I realize that. However, you continue to amaze me with everything that may not be as cute as to other people.

I want to tell you that it's cute when you laugh hard, it's amazing when you call my name, it's relaxing and stressing at the same time when you put your arms around me and for once, I feel important to you.

I'd love to hear you breathe. In and out, in and out. If I could just stay to hold your hand for a minute and tell you what my entire being thinks of you. Just to let you know, you are DIFFERENT. You are SPECIAL. You are INSANE. You are FUNNY. You are CORNY. You are SMART. You are EVERYTHING that I did not EXPECT. And still, YOU ARE NOT MINE.

Someday, I will take the risk. Jump to you even if that could mean jumping and staying on the moon with you, I'd do it. I'd climb mountains for you, I'd eat pork for you, I'd do everything you want me to.

Pathetic. I'm pathetic.

In love. I'm in love.

I'm pathetic and in love. :(

step

A piece.

A one of a kind warrior.

Ready to fight, willing to sacrifice.

And so it is.

A square.

Everything is reachable.

And so I stay.

Wrapped up in a bubbly world, I stay.

Mistaken. Too much error.

I cry over the little things.

The piece has to take a step.

Should I still stay?

magnetism

We start with silence.

I hide the butterflies in my stomach.

I hide the over-the-top smile struggling to show on my face.

I brush my hair slightly.

I am ready.

You play with your phone.

You take a glimpse of me.

You think I didn't see you glancing.

I'm glad that you did.

Endless banters.

Interesting stories.

Yet still no attraction.

We're both on the same side of the magnet.

We end with silence.

Journey

Where do we go from here?

Jumbled mumbled out of this world words

Two steps forward, 8 steps backward.

Listens intently as you speak the words

the words she can't understand or so she says.

Truth is, she can.

Wrapped up in a web of ideas

Intertwined in what-ifs

Refuses to just accept it.

Hold out your hand.

Give her one last squeeze.

As if saying, "Goodbye, I'm sorry that we can never be."

And then it collapses.

differences

Clear and distinct

I can feel it

Different sides

Different stories

WE ARE DIFFERENT.

That's why you just can't seem to love me-

even though you can.

no difference

you looked at me today and you asked me a question.

you didn't look at me the same way.

i didn't look at you the same way i used to.

goodbye old you.

hello new you.

this breaks my heart.

End?

Somehow it's different. I feel enlightened, vigorous and happy. At the same time, I feel stressed, depressed and jaded.


HELP. I'm ALIVE.

innocence

She may never get to feel the pains of the world yet.
The face will still remain the same, knowing of only Mom and Dad
to cry on. Soon, she'll realize that
there are things greater than what Mom and Dad can perish.
Soon the face will change. Everything will change in her eyes.


P.S. I had fun taking pictures of my godchild/favorite cousin. HAPPY 1st birthday Ella!

so it goes on

In a weird kind of way, I am very cheerful today.
I am because I can be.
No need to ruin anything.
I will be happy.

And so explains the face.

just because it's Saturday

A big thanks to the shutting down of operations of Haloscan, my former comment box. Now, Google is my comment box. Back from the start.

TGIF?

Dig deep into the abyss
My mind is yours
Search the pit
My heart is yours

Open a cave
My secrets are yours
Look high and low in the rubble
My passion is yours

Take a deep breath
Until I can say
I cannot say
You, love are not mine.

infinity

Pain. Absence of pleasure.

Pain. Absence of you.

cake

Cake.

Moist, warm, delicious.

Everything you've ever wished for.

Everything you've ever wanted.

Yes, you can savor it.

Yes, you can take it.

Yes, smell the sweet aroma.

No, I am not your piece of cake.

And it hurts that I want you

Take all of me

Take everything

And still, I am not your piece of cake.

Circles

There was never a beginning

There will never be an ending

Pointless things are running.

This isn’t worth anything.

This won’t be worth anything for you,

But it’s everything for me.

If

If you could greet me,

I'd be smiling ear to ear.

If you could smile at me,

I'd be blushing, oh dear.

If you could look at me,

I'd be melting slowly.

If you could hold me,

I'd be smiling gently.

If I could never let you go,

I would take you in my arms

And hold you tight.

Forget what the world needs.

If you could love me,

I'd be wanting you and only you.

And I won't be drowning in ifs,

until I can't drown anymore.

true

The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person.

-Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

For a few days

She cried like no tomorrow on the night that she saw you. For a few days, she's been feeling a lot lonelier but she felt like she had to go through this stage to finally forget you. For a few days, she could feel the victory rising in her, not from the fact that she no longer saw you, but the fact that she refused to see you. For a few days, she felt like she had control over her life and she could be someone who doesn't need to impress you, to be someone worthy of you or to prove herself to you. For a few days, she was herself again, only sadder. She admits that she is going through a process where she doesn't know what to think anymore and it's eating her that she can't manipulate her life and take control of the wheel. Somehow, you just affect her in every way.

On that night that she saw you, she couldn't sleep. She kept replaying that night. She kept replaying how you looked, how you laughed, what you wore and she realized that no matter how hard she keeps pushing herself to forget you, she never does. She lay awake thinking, "Why do you have to keep manipulating my feelings?" She asked herself that question over and over again. She never found the answer.

For a few days, she thought she was over it. She laughed at how she was so lovesick and how she almost looked like a fool. That night, all of her surrendered. She is trying and she is struggling. She prays everyday for the feeling to finally run away or get lost. She realizes, of course that it is not an easy thing to do. For if it was that easy, no one would be nursing broken hearts and no one would be crying themselves to sleep.

She knows it will never happen and that is why she pushes herself to move forward. She is a strong girl. She knows she can do it. She knows one day, she'll be looking at you and not feel the same intense feeling that's binding her now.

It was good to know, that even just for a few days, the feeling was gone.

glass

I looked away
I took cover
I hid like a child
afraid of something she knows nothing of.

I can always hide...
but you see, I can never run away.
I'm bound and locked
Locked forever.

Please let me be.
Please. Please. Let me be.

always

Buttons

Tear the tiny threads

stuck to it

You can go slowly but surely

Careful

I'll cut the ties

Try to cut slowly

I want to still hold on

Lie

I want you

I don't want to let go

But I have to.