Firefly

To you,

I wasn't expecting to meet you this year. Lord knows I wasn't counting on this to happen to me at all. I even made a sweeping declaration to swear off guys until I finished with law school. But somehow, life doesn't work that way. It will do whatever the hell it wants and I am glad I met you this year, in the unlikeliest of circumstances, in the most unexpected way and manner.

The old me would have never been as expressive as I am to you now, but I am glad I changed. I am ecstatic that everyday I wake up to greet you and to tell you that you are loved. And that you will be loved as long as I live (because I believe in forever). Sabi nga sa Bride For Rent, "Forever means giving another unlimited chances to love another right every day." I am not afraid to tell you my fears, my hopes, my dreams, what I ate today, how sick I am and I know you feel the same way.

Thank you for being patient with me, for being the most loving and the most intelligent person I have ever had the chance to have conversations with. Thank you for the countless times you encourage me, for being my personal cheerleader, for supporting me in everything that I do. Thank you for being a feminist in your own little way, for never undermining my talents, for always looking at me with the highest regard, despite knowing my imperfections. Thank you for knowing how to calm me down, how to cheer me up and most importantly how to make me laugh. Thank you for always bringing me to places that I want to go and for always telling me that I am beautiful, even if I go on and on about my insecurities. There is so much that I want to thank you for, and you know that but I just felt like I needed to say it endlessly.

I never get to write about you nowadays, probably because I can say anything that I need to say to you directly. However, with these words, I want you to know that this year would not have been the best year of my life if you hadn't come along, I have told you over and over again that you are and always will be my biggest blessing.

And here is my only promise for the next year : I will always choose you, because loving someone means choosing them everyday for the rest of your life. And I will gladly, without hesitation, choose every single part of you for the days to come.

You will always be my firefly, my light even in the darkest of days. I love you.

Thanks 2015!

While for now it seems like I haven't been writing that much, I will take this time at the end of 2015 to write finally about how my year has been. To be perfectly honest, I went into 2015 without much hope or expectations. I was a bit positive, but not too much. I was hopeful, but not enough. And as luck would have it, I was confined in the hospital in the first week of 2015. So now you know how I felt that 2015 would be unfortunate and I didn't expect much from it at all.

But the best year of my life was just about to begin.

Going into something with no expectations can either be a pro or a con on a list; I mean it really depends on the circumstances as well as the situations. Going into 2015 with no expectations is a huge PRO on my list and it's because this year has been so good to me, even if I didn't ask this much or even if I didn't ask at all. Sometimes, life works in the most mysterious of ways. 

This year, I finally learned that being brave is not about not being afraid, but learning that overcoming fear is possible. I finally accepted that to love means opening your eyes and lowering down your walls. To love means being afraid of what's to come but facing it with your head high and your eyes open. To love means being up for the adventure, no matter how scary it may seem. This year has taught me that love is not about being perfect, but rather accepting that there will always be imperfections. To love means knowing when to eventually say sorry, to wholeheartedly take it if you are wrong, to stop constantly finding conflict in the smallest of things. To love means choosing him every single day, even on days that he's being such a pain. I know somehow that life probably presented these lessons to me these past few years but I never chose to listen, to hear and to finally embrace them. Believe me, these lessons have been the hardest to learn but I am glad that 2015 has given me all the experiences to cherish and to hold forever in my heart.

P.S.

Lord, I can't let this post end without thanking you for all the blessings You have continuously showered this year. I am forever grateful for everything and You are simply the best. 

wide awake

I am wide awake

Thinking of how I get to 

see your dimple again

That's a favorite

Thinking of how I get to

hold your hand

while you are driving

seemingly focused on the road

but I know sometimes

you sneak a glance at me

Thinking of how I get to 

sing old 90's songs with you

You tell me you are not a good singer

but I listen anyway

I always listen to you anyway

I am wide awake

Thinking of how we will spend the day

And then eventually

coming to the conclusion

that no matter what we do today

I will be the happiest girl in the world

Thinking of how I will tell you how I feel

about Justin Bieber's new single

Thinking of your reaction when I tell you

that I love Justin Bieber's new song

Thinking of how I will make you laugh this time

Because that smile

That smile is always worth it.

I am wide awake

because I long for you

I am wide awake

because I can't wait for tomorrow or the next day

to be with you.

Alas, a happy post!

I never thought in a million years that I would feel this way again. It's been quite a while since someone made me feel this way, and it feels good. It feels right. To be honest, I was quite resigned to the fact that I didn't need anyone beside me in this journey. Friends kept telling me to finally get back out there or to open up to people more because being in love is one of the most beautiful experiences to ever happen to a person. I did not disagree back then when they were giving me this pep talk; however I never felt ready and I didn't find the person I'd be willing to give it a shot yet. I guess God truly works in mysterious ways because I met you in the unlikeliest of places and at the most unexpected time at that.

I have always been scared of fully opening up myself to a person, and to be honest, I never quite do. I always reserve a bit of myself and never truly intend on sharing those bits to other people. This may be so cliche, but with you, I never need to worry. You make me feel like uncovering everything about me isn't scary. I feel like I shouldn't guard my secrets with you, you make me believe that these quirks and feelings I have should always be shared and that you will stick by my side no matter what I say or believe in.

With you, it's never too early to say that I love you and that I want to be with you for the rest of my life. In the past, I was never sure about my feelings, I was always on the fence with the person I was with. Perhaps that's why those relationships and feelings had to end, they never were the right people for me. Maybe, it only took a conversation about Disney films and firefly watching to know I was already talking to the right person, the only person I could picture myself to be with for the rest of my life.

Hey I know you know all this already but every Sunday, I go to mass. And I always cease talking to you for an hour. I always spend this hour to keep thanking the Lord for my blessings. Recently, I have been grateful to the Lord for my biggest blessing this year and it's you. It will always be you. So thank you for this person, Lord. I will keep saying it everyday even if you already know.

If you were given a time machine to know how I felt about relationships, you would probably see how realistic I was or sometimes, cynical on most days. With you, every adventure seems to be positive. I am excited for what's to come with you. I will always feel giddy whenever you pick me up, text me or just simply smile at me. The future will always be uncertain, in fact it's one of the things I love the most about it. I know I have always thought negatively about uncertainty. The times I've encountered uncertainty, I felt like it was out to get me. Not this time though. I have a good feeling about this. Throw me into the abyss of the unknown, as long as I am with you, I have nothing to worry about.

I love you.

As if nothing matters

Who would have thought I would find love when I least expected it?

This is for you, it will always be for you.


Under the starless sky
I feel the way you look at me
As if nothing mattered
As if nothing matters
Except this night

You take deep breaths
And I watch you
You don't know it
But I look at you, most times
Because nothing matters
Except this night

And then you place your hand in mine
And then suddenly everything falls into place
As if suddenly the stars decide to appear and perfectly align
As if nothing mattered
Except this night

Seems this way every night I'm with you

today

Today was one of the worst days. I remember how I felt so vibrant and full of energy, today was absent of that feeling. I know I let go of you a long time ago, but today, I realized that moving on from you is a process. There will be days that I will think about you, that I will cry because maybe, there is still an ounce of pain left: that it does not simply go away, that you can't force it to banish from your system and that loving this deep does not mean moving on quickly.

It started last night when I thought to open my archived messages and your name was there. I remember telling myself not to open it, to move on to other things or to simply just get some rest and forget about it. That's the thing, you can never forget a person. You can never forget those memories that you hold. Perhaps, the memories fade, but there will always be that piece of your last day together, your first date, your last kiss or the moment you realized you fell hard-- and that there was no turning back. Your messages made me smile, then I felt the cold, hard longing for you.

I let my tears flow tonight, I didn't try to stop it. Being strong in the face of others can be taxing, and it can be hard to tell yourself that you've finally moved on, that you don't give a fuck about the other person, or even worse, you tell yourself that maybe now you can be friends. It's been a while since I thought of you, but perhaps I'm not done yet with the process-- that there is more to learn while I am in this. And I choose to feel this pain temporarily because I know it will pass. Just like it always does, knowing that things,feelings and people are always temporary, that they come and go and you have to cherish every moment you are with them.

I am still in the process, perhaps you will always be a part of me and I will sometimes feel the pain. But I'm not afraid to feel it, to let the tears come again, to feel inadequate for a while. I am not afraid because I know this is what makes me human-- I have loved deeply and I was destroyed, possibly still a bit hurting.

Eventually, I will still think of you, not as frequent as today, but trust me you will never leave my heart and my mind. However, my laughter and my tears will not settle for only one person, for a person who's already gone and is never coming back. I will reserve my laughter, my tears, my everything for a person who will stay and who will always return.

Until then, I have today and I will let my pain hurt me.

Because maybe, tomorrow will be different.

everything and nothing

a magician plays with his cards
a poet writes his words
a artist paints his thoughts
everyone is in action

but i sit here in the darkness
trying to compel myself to move
to be free, to live and to love
nothing happens

what are the things you're afraid of
it asks
i answer, but in a soft voice
everything, i guess and nothing at all