?

siguro

2011-11-14T21:21:00.000+09:00

hindi ko na nakikita
sa mga mata ko
ang dating kasiyahan

hindi ko na napapansin
sa aking paligid
ang dating ikinatutuwa

hindi ko na nararamdaman
sa aking puso
ang dating hinagpis

ngunit bakit hindi ko maiwasan
ang pagsulpot mo
sa aking gunita

hindi ko na nakikita, napapansin o nararamdaman
ang isang katulad mo
pero hindi rin kita malimutan

siguro kahit anong pilit ko.

sad little girl

2011-09-11T20:49:00.000+09:00

A sad little girl in a big world
Nothing seems to fit
As soon as she rises from the ashes
She gets shot back down by unknown forces.

She might try
She might fail
Trying all the same is a burden
Let her lie down and just sleep the pain away

Pondering about what the hell is wrong with her
Is it her personality? Or her looks?
Or the ways she walks or talks?
She lies in bed, crying every night.

Nobody knows.
No one will.
The sad little girl will never be okay.

Routine

2011-09-11T20:44:00.000+09:00

It's all in a routine. Every step, every small thing I do, it's nothing but a routine.

another final attempt to save the fish

2011-07-31T22:04:00.002+09:00

To speak is to mean risking the strength I've gathered
To let those words out of my mouth is to mean putting my heart in your hands
To speak is to mean opening up my soul to you
To let those words out of my mouth is to mean hearing your answer.

These words are probably the hardest ones that will come out from my mouth
Harder than supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
or pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis
These words that I haven't said in quite a long time
Means having to thresh out every sad memory.

To confess my love for you means saving a fish, no matter how injured it is.

on this rainy night

2011-07-31T20:45:00.000+09:00

*opens umbrella*

The rain is falling quite hard tonight. As you watch your steps, you wonder when this rain is going to stop. And yet, you keep wondering and do not even bother to look for shelter. You try to enjoy every step, every sight, every different person you see.

It's just not the same.

Your hand feels the empty void. You think to yourself, "there's no one there."

You are alone.

Next scene.

You are alone in a taxi cab and the rain is still pouring. You can't see quite clearly the plate number of the cab so you could inform anyone that you might be in danger, just in case. But, you remember...

You are alone.

Your fingertips ache for the electric feeling of touching another person's fingertips.

Your lips hunger for the breathtaking kiss of another.

Your body yearns for the warmth only another body can offer and not even a blanket can fill.

On this rainy night,you are alone.

the joy of not knowing

2011-07-25T21:55:00.000+09:00

The lights are turned on..
Sound is everywhere.
But it is only you that I see, that I hear, that I feel.
It just doesn't add up anymore.

I stepped outside your world.
And you didn't even bother to call me back.
But now that I'm back,
It isn't quite the same.

You laugh and I wish your voice magically stopped.
You look at me and I wish your eyes would feel
Feel me. Feel what my eyes are trying to tell you.
You do not know. You do not know anything.

what street?

2011-07-18T23:42:00.000+09:00

I decided to walk today.

The street, full of people and not-so-familiar faces, isn't the same as it used to be. Wasn't it the same street where you walked me home? Or the same street where you made me laugh? Was it the same street that you hurt me, without meaning to?

And yet, as I walked along that same street, I felt everything had changed. The way I walked now on this street was different. And no, I no longer look at the restaurants where we ate. I don't go out torturing myself on remembering what happened in that table. And no, I don't look at your place anymore just in case you might happen to come out. I still do remember you. Your laugh, your adorable t-shirts, your lean body which would instantly take away every bad feeling I had, you were my everything.

And yet, I was nothing.

I'm walking alone on this street. I guess that wasn't the change.

An unexpected e-mail

2011-07-16T00:29:00.000+09:00

I was quite shocked when I read this e-mail. This was a year ago and I am quite happy with the state that I am in now.
I'm not with him, however I feel like I made a good decision and that was to move on with my life. And I am glad that I turned out to be the person I wanted to be.

So much for 2010.

The following is an e-mail from the past, sent through FutureMe.org
It was composed on Thursday, July 15, 2010, to be sent on Friday, July 15, 2011:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear FutureMe,

I hope you made the right decisions. By that time, either you've fallen out of love and have someone else or you're with him. You better make a good decision. I'm begging you.

I hope by that time, you don't feel so inferior anymore and you feel beautiful inside and out. Someone will love you for what you are and what you believe in. It just takes time.

I hope you are the person you wanted to be.

Decision

2011-07-09T14:11:00.000+09:00

I wrote this a really long time ago...but the feelings are the same as I'm typing it.
________________________________________________________________________________

Feet entangled in this dance
Knees shaking but slightly confident
Do I enter the room or not?
Battle in my head again, two brave soldiers.

The years are passing
I am still the same
No changes, nothing
I am still in that battle, two brave soldiers.

Soldiers who cannot take the leap
Soldiers who cannot take the risk
Soldier, you cannot do anything
You will stay here and...

Who knows?
Because you are still in that battle.
DECIDE.

change

2011-07-04T00:17:00.001+09:00

Apparently, I'm not that comfortable with change yet. :(

what's in tears?

2011-05-28T01:29:00.000+09:00

The tears are running out.

Which incidentally made me wonder, what are tears? The mere manifestation of one's sadness? Other than the obvious that tears are composed of water,mineral salts,antibodies & lysozyme (bactericidal enzyme), does it enclose a couple of memories that we're willing to get out of our system? Does each drop signify finally letting go and moving on or subjecting yourself to another heartbreak? Does it really help take the pain away?

I've always pictured that it would be a lot easier if tears carried our memories together. After all, the heartbreak has happened. What am I to do with the memories you left me? Would I be benefiting from it? Would I be able to make a living out of it by telling our stories of laughter and that time you walked me home by telling my friends about it?

What am I going to do with these bucket of memories now that I'm finally letting you go?

I wish the tears I endlessly cried for you took care of it.

Let's play pretend

2011-05-12T00:02:00.000+09:00

It’s a cold day outside and you wish to feel warm. What is it about today? Ah yes, it’s his birthday. You feel like shit today and it doesn’t really matter because you woke up extra early to be the first one to greet him. You pick up your phone and look at it for a few seconds and ask yourself why. So what if it’s his birthday? And then you realize…

Ah. I still love him too much to not care.

They say that hate is a thin line from love. There is equal passion involved, so intense that sometimes it is deemed uncontrollable. Why, may I ask? Why couldn’t I bring myself to hate you?

You proceed to get out of your bed. You kick your sheets for it reminds you that the warmth you get from it will probably be the only comfort you’ll have for the next few years. You’ve never felt so alone.

You open your computer and instantly get on Facebook, hoping to see who greeted him on his wall, as if you have any idea who those people are. Yet, you still do that exact thing and you see his replies and ask, “Could I ever get him to reply to me like that?”

You do not know why your eyes are misty and there seems to be water coming out and you haven’t encountered this in months.

You thought you were okay. “More like pretended to be okay”, says a voice. You affirm the idea. And then cry all over again.

You decide to finally greet him, not on Facebook but by texting him like you used to. You didn’t sing to him now and you didn’t get him a present, but the feeling is all the same. You worry about what his reply might be. “You shouldn’t be worried. Get on with whatever you’re doing and stop it.”, says the voice. Shut up, I am doing this, you retaliate.

“Happy birthday! J”

…

You would like to show yourself that a reply wouldn’t mean anything to you now. You are okay, right? And then your phone vibrates.

“Thanks.”

You over think just like before. What does this mean? Aren’t we supposed to be friends? Why do I get only this? Shouldn’t I deserve more than “thanks”? You woke up feeling shitty and now you feel like someone hit you in the head with Thor’s hammer. You do not know what to do except to pretend again. It seems easier that way.

The voice doesn’t speak anymore.

the one millionth confession---- in case you didn't get the 999,999 others

2011-05-04T23:22:00.001+09:00

I feel like this is the longest day ever in my life.

Like this wasn't going to end any time soon. Like everything is clear and vivid and blurry at the same time. On most days, unlike today, I'm in tip-top shape. There is something about this day that the impossible sea of memories which I kept away from the longest time comes flooding back without any warning. Today, you make me your slave once again without even trying to.

The fact that I appear to remain strong is still something that I want to hold dear. And it is a fact that I can't deny that today made me feel like I hid everything from people and I didn't want anyone to know what I felt. "Tinatago mo kasi ang lahat", says a friend. I am fully aware of that, but what can I do? People perceive me as someone who's strong ALL THE TIME and I can't help but satisfy them. Today, I wasn't supposed to give any amount of attention to my feelings for you like any other day. Guess what? I went overboard. It must have been today, this place, this time, this show that freakishly reminds me of you. Also, the fact that every single day that goes by is time farther away from you. And no, unlike children making up in five minutes after a petty fight, we aren't. We will stay like this and it frightens me that you won't care that our friendship is crumbling and I will. I WILL THINK ABOUT IT EVERY SINGLE TIME I GET TO. And yes, I have written every goodbye letter in whatever book that is and it still isn't getting rid of you. It's because I still care about you, no matter how many times I deny to. I want to tear these feelings out if possible, throw it in a grave somewhere and be done with it. I wish it was that simple or that easy. You have it on a silver spoon. I wasn't going to be a permanent person in your life, sad but true. I've accepted that but I can't accept the fact that you didn't care for me at all. Nor even bothered to see who I was.

Happy birthday, if you see this then you know and I don't care. Frankly, I'm tired and this will be an endless cycle once again of my struggle to confess to you how I feel.

I want to be done with you.

Please, please, please let me get what I want this time. - The Smiths

I'm sorry, lost friend

2011-05-04T01:37:00.001+09:00

Tonight, I finally realized the gravity of our situation. I could probably look you in the eyes now and not see our "future" unlike before when it was oh so visible and all I wanted to see in your eyes.There are tears in my eyes and no, it's not because you don't love me or ever will for that matter, but that nothing will ever be the same again. I have almost cut my connection to you and you have done so a long time ago.

Tonight, I finally realized that the water from my eyes didn't originate from the rejection, but rather the loss of a good friendship (on most days, anyway). I am not going to lie that I miss you a heck of a lot, but somehow my feelings for you have changed. More than anything else, I don't know why I'm quite saddened by this change when I am supposed to be rejoicing about it. Finally, I could imagine life without having to think about what I should say to you so I don't sound stupid or thinking of ways for you to notice me. But... why do I feel this way? I am pretty sure that my feelings for you are dying down and it seems to me that the little thread which seems to be holding my connection to you (rather thin) is about to give up. And I'm desperately trying to hold on and at the same time trying to let it go.

So here you go, you'll probably find out soon. It's today, enjoy it even if I'm not going to be part of it anymore in your life. Say all the sweet things to people which you never said to me. Love the people who aren't me, I know you will. And yes, I am quite happy to see you elated.

I'm sorry, soon to be lost friend.

just one night

2011-04-24T01:34:00.001+09:00

She has been glued to her computer all day. She wonders when this--whatever this is---everything is going to stop. The madness is absolutely killing her. She couldn't just lie on her bed and do nothing, which would probably be the best thing to do in her state. No, she'd just dig up old memories as if that weren't happening to her now. The pictures, the dinners and of course, the phone calls. She thought she had thrown these away...for she hadn't thought of these things in a month, believing she made enough progress. It's fascinating that one could forget just for a while the importance of somebody. It took her long enough.

Not now. She wasn't about to give up now. What would have the progress all been for if she was going to fall into a deep hole yet again? This feeling wasn't foreign to her. She welcomed it like an old friend, without even meaning to. In her head, she should have banished the feelings away like what she would have done a week ago. No, tonight, she gives a big old hug and lays cozy in its arms. She missed this feeling. In fact, it was so long ago and yet it was all so familiar. However, she was convinced that this "familiarity" wasn't beneficial to her and she would have to break it soon enough.

But, just for this one night, let me hold on to this, just this one night.

A stronger poison, please.

2011-03-28T21:18:00.000+09:00

A stronger poison, please.
A fresh piece of heart
brewing in the cauldron.
Is there enough evil to go around?
You are content
in feeding us with poison
Our eyes are blinded.
Did you do it?
We gave our offerings
and you couldn't care less.
A stronger poison, please.
so they would not know--
could not tell what mask
you are putting on.
Enough of the torture.
The blood has been shed.
The tears have come.
And you still say,
"A stronger poison, please."

Should I rejoice in your words?

2011-03-24T12:09:00.000+09:00

You text away,
wasting at least four pesos on me.
It should have warmed my heart before.
Now, should I rejoice in your words?

Should I wallow myself in happiness?
In something that I know is temporary
In something that I understand
is not worth anything for you.

Those words would have been enough
To comfort me that night
But no, it didn't measure up
and I didn't feel complete.

Should I rejoice in your words?
When all you've got are ten words--
to say at most
while I have a thousand on my mind.
But now, all I have is a word.
Goodbye.

N-A-K-E-D

2011-03-19T23:52:00.000+09:00

Letters are coming
out of my mouth
Under the violent beam of light
I put my hands all over
I feel naked
I cry, "No!"
And the letters coming
out of my mouth
wouldn't spell it
I blow the letters to the wind
as far as I can
I still feel naked
The light is too bright
Grins are all over
Courtesy of you
I can hear laughs
I feel naked.
Someone.
Help.
Anyone?
P-L-E-A-S-E S-T-O--
I am naked.

Merciless

2011-03-17T01:56:00.002+09:00

How does it feel to be needed?

How does it feel to be wanted?

I can only imagine such things—

Tell me

How does it feel to be respected?

How does it feel to be cherished?

Tell me

I would not know.

Do you think about such things—

When you’re alone thinking so highly

Of yourself

And when you pride yourself in

Standing alone

In your mind, not a single person could help you

You are alone.

Do you appreciate anyone at all?

Nor feel gratitude in your heart

It wreaks havoc and despair

to a vulnerable heart.

You have no mercy.

Under the same sky

I fell in love with a merciless man

Under the same sky

I will drift away from him.

Mata

2011-03-14T23:48:00.000+09:00

Ayaw mang aminin sa sarili
Hinahanap-hanap ka pa rin
Sa paglalakad nagmamakaawa
Nagdadasal na makita kang muli
Masilayan ka man lang
Sapat na
Hindi naman humihiling
Nang higit pa
Masilayan ka man lang
Hindi kailangan ng salita
Hindi kailangan tumigil
Ang mundo para
Sa ating pagkikita

Masilayan ka man lang
Sapat na.
Sapat na.

The Moving On Letter(my version)

2011-02-15T10:36:00.004+09:00

Tonight I finally realized what I failed to see for this past year. Enough is enough and that one can only take so much. I have constantly tried to get you out of my life and failed every single time because there was that tiny spark of hope that you'd still have feelings for me. I do not blame you anymore for all the times I felt like you needed me. You probably didn't need me at all and I just assumed that you did.

Tonight on our way home, I realized that I couldn't take this suffering any much longer. I would have to tell you sooner or later and it was approaching fast. I had a goal in mind though: that it didn't matter if I confessed to you or not as long as I knew I didn't want to be a part of this anymore and that I was through, I was through making a fool of myself. Tonight on our way home, I wished there were enough words to describe how our friendship was. I wished I could tell you how much I felt like you used me and that I got nothing in return, how much I felt so torn between moving on or keeping you as my friend. Tonight, I wished you could have given me a hug good bye because I know in my heart, I wouldn't ever be able to anymore. Tonight, I made the decision to finally move on and temporarily step out of your life.

In the past year, my confusion over this whole thing, whatever this was, lingered and never went away. Tonight, nothing devastating or harmful motivated me to finally let go of you. No, something inside me told me to STOP. Something inside me told me to stop being pathetic and that I was better than this. I am not saying that my love for you was pathetic. Of course not, in fact, no matter how many times I said I regret this, I know deep within my heart that I was happy that you came along and became a part of my life. I used to remember all the good stuff and failed to see the bad things in our relationship. Now, I see clearly.

I've always said that in order to get over someone, you had to get mad at him first so you could feel the anger every time you see him. At first, as I was pondering on this decision on our ride home, I was angry and then suddenly you said Goodnight and it faded away. I had to rethink twice the possibly good things you did for me and how you influenced me in such a way that nobody could ever have done. This past year, you have made my life crazy, happy, miserable, confused, ecstatic and sad. There are not enough words to describe how you changed me. I want to start by thanking you.

Thank you for missing me, although you may not say it often, you have ways to show it. Thank you for making me feel that I could give you comfort in your lowest of days. Thank you for sharing your books, movies and music with me. Thank you for letting me know you deeper like no one ever has. Thank you for all the secrets and the trust you gave me. Thank you for all the gifts and the letters that I know you were not compelled to give but gave anyway. Thank you for letting me be the person you could talk to when you're sick. Thank you for all the dinners, lunches and random meetings where we would laugh and reminisce testimonials and old bands/songs. Thank you for making me special on days that count. Thank you for being the person who I love getting surprises from. Thank you for letting me love you until last night. I cry as I write this paragraph, knowing fully well that I may never get to experience any of these things again, not this way again.

I failed to tell myself how many times you hurt me, starting with messages that were unreturned. comments that were uncalled for or the mere fact that I felt like you didn't care for me at all. You hurt me hundreds of times and I waived it off EVERY SINGLE TIME. The love I felt was stronger and no matter how many times I cried, in church or the bathroom or even in a tricycle for God's sake, I stayed. I stayed longer than I should have. I remember that night vividly, when I cried like I never cried before in public transportation at that. I felt so abused that night and you knew it and all you could say was, "Don't be sad. Thanks again!" No apologies because you knew I would forgive you anyway. I did, I forgave you every single time without you having to say sorry and apologize. I loved you so much that it hurt, resulting to waking up in the middle of the night and crying my eyes out or getting sick just to make you notice me. This week, anger drove me not to even take notice of you anymore. I was hurt, still am. It was petty but one thing more that could happen and I'd break. I loved you so much that even I felt that the Janine I knew was slowly fading away. I had to stop and start telling you how you made me like this and how you hurt me or made me happy or I don't know. Something. I needed to talk to you but had no courage to do so.

I have thought of the many ways I could confess and in fact, I had one in mind already. I could push through with it or not, however, one thing is for certain. I am through. I have loved you enough and probably gave all I had. I'm sorry you couldn't see that.

You are still my great love. You may not have been the first, but you were everything to me and I gave the best that I could give. There are moments that nothing special or harmful has to have happened before you realize things you didn't see before. Now is that moment. You will always be one of a kind. I know I will probably never love as much as I loved you and that's okay. I am glad you were the person my heart chose to give its all.

I love you, but now, I'm ready to let go.

sagot

2011-02-05T22:51:00.000+09:00

Oo o hindi.
Hindi ewan.
Lalo nang hindi
ang hindi ko alam.

Oo o hindi
Sagot mo ang kailangan ko.
Nagmumukhang tanga
sa kakaintay.

Oo o hindi.
Ilang pindot lang
sa iyong seleponong ubod ng ganda.
Piso lang ang hinihingi ko.

Isang matinong sagot lang ang nais ko.

because i will be alright

2011-01-26T08:21:00.000+09:00

Bring in the sunlight.

The faint glow of sunlight on my bedsheets.

The softness of my pillow.

Because I will be alright.

Never mind the tears--

They won't come now.

There will be a smile on my face

Because I will be alright.

You come yet again.

Bring in the sunlight and the smile, please.

Because I will--

Because I can't be alright.

possibly, maybe

2011-01-26T08:13:00.000+09:00

the tears start coming as soon as i saw
the possible connection between you two
maybe it was already there and i didn't know
i didn't know well enough to see.

you remind me of the dark mysterious guy in old movies
the kind who you don't expect his next move
the kind who gives you chills all over
and yes, chills of the good kind.

possibly, you two have something special.
maybe, we lack so much in everything you two have.
possibly if it we lived in another life, we could have been.
maybe, in another life, we already are.

but this is now and now is all we've got.
and all you have is you two.
and all i have is my longing for you.
possibly, maybe, in a different life, you could love me too.

****it's been so long since i've updated this :(*

Mini Bucket List for 2011

2010-12-27T23:27:00.000+09:00

Watch a movie alone.
Buy a goddamn tripod.
Buy a Super Sampler/Micro Holga (I've been wanting these babies since last year.)
Watch Wong Kar Wai films. (Chungking Express, In the Mood for Love, Happy Together)
Do my Save the Fish Project
Get a summer job
Lose weight
Buy more clothes from thrift stores
Save money for to-buy things
Take lots of pictures
Focus on being 18 and young!
Drink more booze. (hehehehehe!!)
Get the fuck on with life.

The Moving On Letter

2010-12-21T12:57:00.002+09:00

This was an email I got last night. It was actually already shared by Martin, a friend. I remember my comment quite clearly stating, "Describes pretty much how I'd feel at the end of the year." In fact it is starting right now.

Thank you Jeff Agustin for always knowing what to share.

I will fight to move on.

*************************

Hi, I'd like to share this article from Peyups (2004), it was written by someone I know way back. I accidentally opened it last night, then I found myself reading it over and over again. Perhaps you might have read this before, but here it is, nonetheless.

I think it's just right to end the year with this note, and then move on.

Let's.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Moving On Letter

Contributed by weetah (Edited by amplifier)
Thursday, February 26, 2004 @ 05:03:34 PM
http://www.peyups.com/article.khtml?sid=3349

It occurred to me again, this time in the middle of
procrastinating against studying for an exam tomorrow.
I kept you safe within the remote areas of my
consciousness, but suddenly, as if driven by an
unknown force, your memory unearths itself, returning
some sort of unfinished business. Consequently, I
pause from studying and I start thinking about you.

And it always left me a touch of sadness.

As far as I was concerned, I made it a point not to
think about you anymore, at least not that often as I
used to, in the form of preoccupation. There’s a lot
of homework to do, friends to spend time and energy
with, family affairs, television, radio. There’s
even a new object of affection in the rough. Works for
the most part, I should say. Within the confines of my
room with school books before me, there is forgetting.

Just like the manner by which ice cubes freeze
bacteria within their crystal networks. As long as
they remain frozen, everything’s safe. There is no
need to worry.

But somehow, you still manage to permeate my system,
as if it were an expertise or a tediously-learned
skill. Moment by moment, you profusely enter my mind,
filling my awareness with lost memories of
once-upon-a-times and whatnots. Remembrances of
holding hands, afternoon walks, lunch outs, text
messages and phone calls. Of yesterday’s seemingly
unbreakable promises and proclamations of forever.

I should’ve put into mind what an old friend once
wrote, ‘Forever is not real’.

I have always yearned to understand what had happened
between us. Us won’t even suffice: it was never a
real relationship to begin with. We just hung out and
talked and spent time together more often than we did
with our other friends and colleagues. Sometimes it
pained me that I could not do anything in my power to
make you speak about us. Certainly, the ambiguity was
present, the ambiguity which you never wanted to
clarify.

I could only let you go on with whatever it was that
you desired, whether it be ranting about your
insecurities, rejoicing over happier news or lamenting
about your eventful past. On the other side, I
remained silent in the middle of your hyped-up
emotion. I was like a child with beaming eyes, eager
to hear more stories of how you came about to be the
person that you are. For you once told me that
listening to you gave you strength to go on, and so I
did. I have always wanted you to be okay.

Yet when it was my turn to be heard, the silence was a
void. I suspended my disbelief when I convinced myself
that you always meant well, whenever you apologized
for there was nothing you can do about my bouts of
depression, or when you simplify things by saying that
everything will be alright. I know I should not expect
things from other people; perhaps I was at fault when
I wanted more from you when you can only give so
little.

You hurt me. You hurt me many, many times. You hurt me
so intensely I never dared to tell you anything about
it. I was a fool to think that it was a better way of
dealing with things. And that, I presume to be my
biggest mistake: I abandoned myself. I sought for your
happiness that I forgot about mine altogether.

And just like that, you vanished, very much like a
soap bubble floating across air. I have watched you in
complete awe, wonder and even fascination. And similar
to any ethereal fleeting moment, you were gone,
leaving me clueless as to whether you even existed in
the first place.

So maybe what we had was love. Maybe I loved you, and
I hope to heavens that you loved me back: even just
for a split second when we held hands, or during that
moment when I looked into your eyes, or the time when
I laughed at one of your silly quirks. I’d be
content with that idea, I’d be content that in the
course of our friendship, there was a moment of
mutuality; even if it was so quick I never noticed it
all.

Perhaps I still do love you, but that won’t do much
now. I can fight to save everything that I’ve
invested, but I chose not to. I have treasured you in
the past, and that will be enough. Right now, all I
can do is wish you well in all your endeavors,
including the pursuit for the one who is right for
you. When you find her, I wish she makes you happy.
You make her happy as well.

The end is only a beginning disguised as a parting. I
will still think about you every now and then,
probably be sad once in a while, but you need not to
worry. For I am okay and I will be okay under all
circumstances. It may take time for me to love again,
but in the long run, it will be all worth it. I may
still risk myself, but every risk in its own respect
is worth taking anyway. Love is such a convoluted
mixture of emotions and decisions that it’s a matter
of working your way through it.

Thank you for gracing my life like a whirlwind,
leaving me breathless and hurt, inspired and furious,
affectionate and listless. You’ve taught me quite a
lot and I learned them in the most humbling manner.
Thank you for showing me what it means to be human, to
commit mistakes, and to discover how to regain
yourself after everything that had happened.

Like what I always say, Ad astra per aspera. A rough
road leads to the stars. I’m on my way to becoming
stellar.

Fisherman

2010-12-21T00:08:00.002+09:00

Like a fisherman

you gently reel me in.

You feed me with bait

The kind which I can't refuse.

And I fight your hook and line

I fight hard and with passion

Fully aware that when you win,

I will be worse than dead.

Suddenly you let go.

I breathe a sigh of relief.

Finally.

I can live.

I feel you again.

And you reel me in hard.

You don't give up.

Nor will I.

I will fight for my freedom.

The liberty I have always craved for.

No matter how painful it may be,

I will struggle for my escape.

Like a fisherman, you reel me in.

Like a fish, I will fight for me.

Patawad

2010-12-11T23:19:00.002+09:00

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko gagawing tama ang lahat. Alam kong hindi ko naman kasalanan pero bakit ako pa rin ang hihingi ng tawad? Nakakapagod na ito, hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili ko pagdating sa'yo. Kung maari lang akong uminom ng gamot na pampalimot upang tuluyang mawala ka sa isip ko, gagawin ko iyon sapagkat patuloy akong nahihirapan. Patuloy na nagtitiis. Patuloy na naghihintay.

Patawad kahit di naman dapat ako humingi ng tawad. Patawad kasi ganito tayo ngayon.

Naaalala mo ba tuwing magkasama tayo? Lagi tayong masaya. Ngayon, ni simpleng kamustahan, hindi man lamang natin magawa. Ano ang nangyari?

Gusto kong mahagkan ulit ang dating ikaw. O baka naman, ikaw ngayon ay kung sino ka naman talaga at nabulag lang ako sa pinakita mong ikaw sa mahina kong puso.

Ayoko na. Patawad.

Quick Updates on my Life

2010-12-03T21:27:00.002+09:00

I am stuck at home, the ironies of it all, starting with me thinking that I shouldn't go home to Laguna because I needed to do a lot of stuff and now, some unknown force wishes me here in Laguna, at home, doing nothing. Thank you for the rest, Lord but I need to get back on track. The reason for the 5-day rest is, I mean, was, sore eyes. And then I went to the doctor and had it checked out and voila! It was corneal ulcer, something much worse. Google it if you'd like but I most probably got it from wearing my contacts, so says my doctor. I've been isolated to another room in my 1st-4th day, then we found out I wasn't contagious. What a laugh.

Anyway, I had to rant this. I miss school and rehearsing with SIKAT. I sincerely do, I even miss Chem just because I couldn't grasp any of the concepts. I will try to study harder this week, I promise myself that.

On another note, I wished you told me to get well SOON. Or even get well at all. I was waiting and maybe that is the problem, expecting you to do something you obviously wouldn't do at all. Thank you, however, for answering my questions. You know damn well that I do that just to get your attention.

I feel like this isolation has brought me to light on issues I am facing now. First, someone pointed out that I am isolated from everyone, my family, my friends. I'm pretty sure that's true and that I just try hard to blend in because I know no other way. I like the isolation and I know I cannot live without it. I cannot write the stuff I write or take the pictures I take if I'm not alone. I like the deep thoughts I enter into and the small beautiful things I appreciate when I'm alone. Second, even if I like the lonely serene world of mine, I sometimes need to step out and stay with someone. Why? To remind me that my world isn't the only existing universe in the world and that is why I need you. I can never know how to express it fully. If you must know, I am telling you in ways of my own, through a text message or a night out, Failing to notice it is still my problem, I know however I do not know of any way to full express to you my intent: to be with you, to deeply unleash my feelings for you and to wish that you do the same. Third, I realize that through the course of time of secretly hiding my feelings for you, I will not prosper in any aspect of my life. I have said this here or in my head a million times. For once, I will try. I will try to make this happen. I will try to let go and enjoy the life I've been given, eventually looking AND finding the person whom I need to be with. I know I will find that person because I know it's not you.

tama na

2010-11-21T18:40:00.002+09:00

Tama na.
Nakakapagod pa rin hanggang ngayon.
Wala namang magandang naidudulot ito.
Basag na ang lahat.
Hindi ko na maaayos.

Tama na.
Sana nakikita mo ang nakikita ng iba
na maaaring dati ay lagi akong nandyan
ngunit di na ngayon.
Ayoko na.

Tama na.
Kasi para akong gamit na nilalabas lamang
tuwing kailangan.
At pag hindi na?
Nasa isang tabi, umiiyak.

Sana nararamdaman mo lahat ng nararamdaman ko.
Sana sa iyo nalang ang sakit na hindi ko na kayang buhatin.
Sana nabibigyan mo ako ng halaga.
Kahit minsan lang, maramdaman ko man lang ang saya sa'yo.
Pero tama na, ayoko na. Nakakapagod pala ang mahalin ka.

wala

2010-11-14T23:43:00.002+09:00

Kasi nakakapagod na.
Paulit-ulit ang mga pangyayari.
Walang nagbabago.
Kung mayroon man ay babalik din sa dati.

Wala na akong alam na gawin.
Sinanay mo ako nang ganito.
Pero ngayon, bigla kang nawawala.
Hindi ko maintindihan.

Siguro may mali sa akin.
Wala ka nang makitang kakaiba sa akin.
Pare, okay lang naman.
Basta ba nagsasabi ka.

Nakakapagod kasing maghintay ng sagot
Na sa loob-loob mo ay alam mo naman
Alam mo naman e...alam mo namang
Hindi ito darating.

Bakit ka pa ba naghihintay?
Kung naghihintay ka lang naman
Naghihintay ka lang
Para sa wala.

weighing options

2010-11-14T23:37:00.002+09:00

I cannot express clearly anymore.

I am trapped.

There is a swirl of emotions, some I do not know the names of.

But I am mostly afraid.

And that's because I do not know what to do anymore.

2010-11-04T00:51:00.000+09:00

As unclear as our relationship will ever be

Full of color

Not really seeing the real picture

I'm Sorry

2010-11-04T00:32:00.002+09:00

I'm sorry because my mouth can't produce the right sounds or words to fit you.

I'm sorry because my brain isn't as intelligent or as profound as you hoped it would be.

I'm sorry because my actions aren't appropriate for you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I have little faith in myself when I talk to you.

I'm sorry that I am confused.

I'm sorry that I'm sensitive and that I don't want to show you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry but this is the will be my oxygen for now.

I'm sorry but it has to begin and end this way.

I'm sorry but I'm letting you go.

I am sorry for me.

needed

2010-10-25T22:52:00.002+09:00

Like a toddler grabbing your hand to make you reach something for her, I want you to need me like that.

Is it wrong to continuously expect that I mean something to you?

The loneliness is killing me and the rain is of no help either. The memories are playing in my head, like an old film but still worth watching. And in any minute, it will make me cry. I make the tears stop before they even come because I know I am only hurting myself.

It's no use crying over you, but I still want to.

I want you to need me.

I want you to tell me how your day was.

I want you to laugh with me.

I want you to hug me and tell me that I'm the one who can take away all your stress.

I want to be needed.

But.

I know you don't need me.

Stop pining for something(someone?) you can't have.

Niche

2010-10-17T03:09:00.002+09:00

Knock.

Here I am, hoping again...

hoping for a familiar face to welcome me and greet me because I have nowhere to go.

Here I am, smiling...

in the hopes of successfully concealing my real emotions.

Here I am, standing at your door...

praying that you answer and let me in.

Let me in because I have nowhere to go.

Let me in because I want to know if I can stay somewhere.

If I can stay...

stay and be something to you.

stay and find my niche.

stay and stop letting go.

stay and suffer.

Stay and suffer just to find me in you.

Am I special?

2010-10-05T23:19:00.002+09:00

I guess on some days, like today, I want to feel special.

****************************************************************************

I wonder where you are now, after you told me you'd have to focus. I'm lying on my bed, trying to read your cues(again!) as if it wasn't enough 2 days ago. I look at my phone and re-read your messages, hoping that a word will change in the process and to my liking. I am silent, thinking of how many times you'd ask where I was and then suddenly disappear. I am replaying scenes in my head, scenes that happened and scenes that are yet to happen. In my head, I am fighting with myself, no matter how used that sentence already is. I re-read everything you sent me and pray that this will finally be a sign, a sign that you might like me back, perhaps?

A sign that I am special to you?

Questions. There are so many questions that I know not the answer to. And I know I can always ask but tell me, can I buy courage to ask you? Can I buy willpower to finally confront this? No, and I guess until I find the guts to ask you, I will forever live like this, in ambiguity, in nothing sure or secure and in friendship.

Am I special to you?

Do you trust me?

Can you ever love me?

We hope and we pray, even if we know the answers to these questions. We look away when we do not get the response we wished for. We continue to live like this. We think everything is alright and everything is fine and inside you know it bothers you like crazy. You want to be happy and so you ask...

Am I special to you?

Legal at 18

2010-10-01T01:20:00.007+09:00

As I'm typing this, the date on my computer will have changed to October 1, 2010. Before October progresses further, I might just have to update my blog on how my 18th birthday went. I can sum up my birthday in one word: SURPRISE! I don't usually like surprises. I don't like not knowing what's going on. So imagine my surprise when I got 4 surprises on my birthday, not all were good though.

I started my birthday early, as early as 8pm. My friend asked me to have dinner with him and he accompanied me until the first hour of my birthday, Monday, September 20. I brought along Boo(my new camera) so I got to take pictures, but not of us together.

Seriously, he was supposed to be studying for exams for that week, but he still accompanied me! He probably was the first one to greet. So thank you, Kuya Ton!

I went back home to the dorm and eventually woke up at 6 am to get ready and attend the Psych Bill forum, waited for my parents to take me to lunch and then went off to my CWTS class.

My parents took me to ROC, yummy food. I didn't get to take pictures except for my Brazo de Mercedes which I shouldn't post here because it just looks disgusting.

Unedited. My classmates surprised me by singing me a birthday song in the middle of our report! I hate being sung to on my birthday but of course, I made an exception. Thank you CWTS classmates!

My last surprise was by my dorm mates. I kinda sensed the "surprise" already. I still appreciated the effort (and the pizza!). Thanks to Katreena, my room mate, for giving time and effort to organize it.

Thank you JP, JR, Monica, Tin and EJ! And Katreena, of course!

Happy birthday to me. I will post a blog post about my debut next time! I have yet to acquire more beautiful pictures of it.

Here's to being 18 and legal!

One Love, One Lifetime (from the Best of Youngblood)

2010-09-29T13:55:00.000+09:00

I fell in love with this article. Somehow, this article makes me feel that I am not alone in feeling this way and that I shouldn't resign myself to being sad, that I should make myself blame you for my misery. In fact, I caused this upon myself and I am still glad that I felt it all and that I still do. I dedicate this to you and to the many girls out there who felt, feel and will feel the same way. :)

One Love, One Lifetime
by quickmelt (a pseudonym)

In the sixteenth summer of my life I fell in love for the first time. Naturally, I had no idea what I was getting into. Youth, for all its freshness and vigor, does not have the wisdom of past experience. And so it was that I was very ill-equipped when Cupid's arrows first struck. I still had fairy-tale notions of love: Boy likes girl, girl likes boy, boy and girl pledge undying love for each other, and they live happily ever after. I only had to find my Prince Charming, and everything would be smooth sailing. I was young and invincible. No sadness could touch me, especially in the arena of romance.
To young people finding themselves drawn to someone for the first time, everthing is wonderful and new. I once read that love is like God's finger on your shoulder. Every beautiful thing in the world feels like it was made solely for your enjoyment, like a gift chosen with only you in mind. Perhaps the greatest of all these gifts is the sound of your heart catching in your throat at the sight of a boy smiling at you as though you, too, were a gift he cannot quite thank God enough for.
When I look back athe days when I was all giddy with that first discovery of love, I find that the grass was greener, the air was fresher and even the sun was kinder, not sending its rays down to punish my back on sweltering afternoons, like it does not, but bathing me in its radiance so that I had the morning sunshine in my smile. The splendor of creation, the marvel of life -- I had never tasted them more fully than when I had a heart grateful for the first touch of love. It felt like I had the whole world in my hands, the power to do whatever I pleased, in my own sweet time as soon as I had finished attending to greater things at hand, such as the business of love. My prince had come on his white charger, to rescue me from my ordinary, solitary existence. Suddenly, I had someone to hold my hand. It was bliss. It was ecstasy. I was madly, deeply, truly in love.
I thought my happiness was without end. I thought that since we had naturally gravitated toward each other, it would be a simple thing to get together and be sweethearts until our hearts gave out in our golden years. Of natural causes, not of exhaustion, like I don't feel like loving you anymore. Of a coronary disease, maybe, not some mysterious happenstance, like where is the love we used to know?
Where did it go? I don't know. Maybe it was too beautiful to last. Maybe the deities who bestowed this wondrous gift on me decided they could not extend their generosity any further. Maybe it wasn't love at all. Maybe it was merely a sweet but insignificant friendship, that in my romantic delusion I had exaggerated into a grand love affair. Years of sleepless nights, countless tears and endless soul searching have given me no answers.
But if it wasn't love, what could it possibly have been? What was it that made me feel his present like no other, day after day, month after month, year after year? He would walk into a room and my attention would immediately be riveted to him, like an oarsman in the dead of night fixing his eyes on a lighthouse miles and miles away. I would see him come out of a building, and my eyes would light up like incandescent bulbs. He would smile at me and I'd melt, quicker than you can say quickmelt. He would grant me the privilege of his company, and like a kitten I would purr contentedly in my master's lap. I would see him over the weekend, and no amount of stress could ruin my happiness for two weeks thereafter. He would talk to me for a while, and I'd panic for lack of something appropriate to say, and my toungue would fall back in my throat and stay there for the rest of the conversation almost asphyxiating me. He would narrate some anecdote, and I could recite it from memory many months after everyone else had forgotten it. He would crack one of his numerous jokes and I'd laugh like a hyena, loving the sound of his voice, more than the sound of my own laughter. He would open his mouth to say something, and I would hear the loveliest music and feel my face glow with intense satisfaction, like when my father used to take me to the supermarket to pick as many Dole pineapple juice an off the shelves as I cared.
Even to this day, when I have successfully convinced myself and unsuccessfully convinced my friends that I have fallen out of love with him, I cannot help but cast one last glance in his direction every time he says goodbye and starts to walk away to an existence entirely separate from my own. I keep my eyes on his until the last hair on his head is out of sight, trying to preserve every detail of his appearance oin my memory until the time I will see him again.
I loved his smile most of all. It must have been the same smile NOah had upon seeing the rainbow after the Great Flood. Swirling masses of dark clouds and slowly, one by one, little fingers of light coalesce to reveal a brilliant arc of colored light in the sky. I remember how he used to smile at me when we'd pass each other in the school corridors. Reflexively I'd smile back, grinning like silly, my meager dimples stretched up to my ears, my face dangerously close to splitting. He'd give me that dazzling smile of his and everything would stop just like that. It was as if the world had cesed to exist; it was nly me and him: his glistening retainers the vertiginous dance of my heart. When they said money can't buy happiness, they must have meant the happiness that comes with first love.
He gave me the greatest happiness as well as the greatest sadness of my young life. The times when he made me feel most loved will always be like commemorative gold coins in mint condition in my mind. When you hear your beat in unison with another even for the most fleeting moment, that's one moment you will never forget.
I fell apart when it finally became clear that we weren't getting anywhere, at least not together and that our great love affair was only being carried on in my imagination. Love is a woman's existence, and mine became totally disordered. I could not sleep. I could not eat. I could not study. I could not do anyhting but think of him. I cannot imagine it now, but there was a time when my every thought was of him. I would be praying and I'd think of him, and then I'd pray, "Please God, I love him. Please let him love me again." I would be eating, and then I'd recall somemeal we had taken together in some restaurant I cannot enter now without him beside me again. I would be studying, and I'd remember mechanically doing my homework. I would be sleeping, and if I so much as dreamt of his shadow, I'd be sleepless for days afterward. I would be looking at the stars in thesky, and then I'd recite that childhood rhyme: Starlight, star bight/ first, second, third, ad infinitum star I saw tonight, please grant me his love anew. I would be living my life in the present, then I'd think of him and suddenly I'd want to live the past all over again. Once I nearly tore off the tuning knob from the radio, switching stations because one song kept on playing on the airwaves, telling this is your story, when I was desperately trying to put a semblance of normality in my life (and trying to cram for my finals).
Two years down the line, I discovered tennis and took out my frustration on the hapless, fuzzy, yellow balls. In no time at all, I had an excellent serve, but alas, I could not master the groundstrokes.
I pined for him until I could pine no longer. I kept my life empty for the longest time so that he could freely re-enter anytime he wished. Now I realize that this was a great disservice to myself. In my great, tragic love for this person I had forgotten to love myself and became a victim of my own neglect. Buth then in the anguished livesw the young lead, they need drama commensurate to their hormonal levels, and my drama was wasting away for a boy I had lost, I guess, to college education.
Through it all I loved him very much. I love him so much that, as the cliche goes, I could not deny him his happiness. If he was happier with someone else, so be it. If he was happier with me as only friend, so be it. Though it sometimes felt like I had a wound in my heart, it didn't matter, I loved him anyway. After a while, it didn't matter that he didn't love me in return, I loved him anyway. When he'd wonder if there was a girl out there for him, I could scarcely stop myself from screaming, "Here I am, you doofus, no need to go far." When he did ask me for any fabors to my inconvenience, I would whine inside but my brain would be in a frenzy cancelling appointments so I could be at his beck and call. I loved him so much I felt it was such a massive injustice, tyranny even, that I could have have him, when I was probably the one who loved him most, after his mother. I would never let any harm come to him. Touch a hair on his head and I'd metamorphose into the Incredible Hulk and kill you.
Call it stupidity, call it insanity, call it obsession, call it infatuation, call it whatever you want, it was love, sweet bittersweet love. With love, as with faith, if you believe that's justification enough, no explanation is necessary. If you do not, no explanation is possible. When you are blessed enough to love, it will change you in so many ways you can never be the same again.
Love means different things to different people, different things at different times. LIke everything, it changes. It waxes and wanes like the moon.
In all my years of loving one boy with all the love my heart could hold, I learned that no matter where I went, no matter what I did, no matter who I was with, there was only one person for me, no matter if he long ago ceased to feel the same way. It was not his fault that I was so unhappy for so long, it was simply my misfortune, my cross to carry. In spite of everything, I am a better person, and I will forever be indebted to him for teaching me how it is to love. Never mind that his teaching was done mostly in absentia. I madly, deeply, truly loved him. I hope never to dishonor that love by engaging in cheap flings with whoever catches my fancy at the moment.
To me love is not a conquest, much less one conquest after another. Conquest denotes subjugation, a submission to a more powerful will. You do not make a person submit to your will and mold him as you see fit to make him more lovable in your eyes. You love him for what he is. You do not gloss over his imperfections, you learn to live with his flaws. You do not brag to your friends that he is yours for the taking, there is no place for braggadocio in love. You wait instead anxiously for the next time he tells you he loves you, no matter if it may never happen and in the meantime the uncertainty is making you miserable. You do not lead him on with empty displays of affection. You do not boost his ego with false praises, only to give him the ultimate put-down by taking him for a fool. You find yourself sppechless with admiration and fear that the slightest touch will betray the depth of your emotion. You do not cry foul when you see that the course of love has not gone according to your fervent wishes. You do not bawl at him, "HOw dare you tell me you love, take my heart, and then disappear from my life." You do not demand the return of glorious days long past. You do not blame him for your shattered illusions and waylaid dreams and least of all for your broken heart. Even in the lowest troughs of self-pity and despair, you cannot bring youself to cause him the slightest grief. You would rather die than give him the slightest hint that he has anything to do with your unhappiness. Love bears all-- maybe not always with a smile that's big enough for all the world to see, but just one that's brave enough to tell him it's okay, you'll live so he doesn't have to feel bad.
It is never easy to lay open the door to your heart, because love and rejection get in the same way. Love is not for the faint-hearted. I loved once, and years later I am still reeling from it. Having survived one heartbreak has not lessened my fear of going through another. Thus I envy people who can plunge headlong into relationships after but just some tentative attempts at getting to know antoher person. I envy people who can meet strangers and shortly afterward declare that they were meant for each other. I envy those who are not afraid to go after their happiness and damn the consequences. I envy people who can go from conquest to conquest without feeling diminished by it.
I can never be like them. I don't think like them. ONce you've tasted manna from heaven, why bother with bread from the baker? Nothing compares with it.
Until God sends me my angel on earth to love and to cherish forever, I will be content to be alone. I have learned to swallow my loneliness like a bitter pill, hoping that my good behavior will make fate smile at me and say, "Here is the one for you. Live happily ever after, your name is written on his heart."
One love, one lifetime -- that is my hope. Not one conquest after another. As Sting says, that's not the shape of my heart. (June 4 & 6, 1996).

tug of war

2010-08-30T23:37:00.000+09:00

I walked into the room
You, in an adorable shirt
One that I love on you
You don't notice me.

I can see you staring
Or maybe it's my imagination
It runs wild you see
When it's you.

You pass by
I want to say something
But I turn away
I don't want to notice you.

on my way to 400

2010-08-28T10:14:00.007+09:00

I'm stopping with the emo shizz for a while and will just update you with my life. I have two papers due next week and I'm about finished with 1/4. I feel so bummed that I'm so lazy these past few days. So I'm just going to post a few pictures instead.

It was my bestfriend Roan's birthday last Thursday but we had a mini-debut for her last Tuesday. It was organized by her boyfriend Paul and some of our high school friends. :) We had so much fun!

18 shots with Yakult. FTW hahahaha

Our Asian poses ~o~

We had balloons which we let loose on the roof deck.

Theme was High School. I miss HS.

These are the friends I can make the lolziest of poses with :)

5 years of friendship

2010-08-28T10:10:00.002+09:00

5 years of friendship! I realized that my 4 years in high school wouldn't be complete without this girl. :)

Taken by Paul Gernale at her mini debut last Tuesday :)

another letter to myself

2010-07-23T23:20:00.000+09:00

Dear Me,

Here we go again. You're confused. You feel like it's the right thing to do. Waiting is not the answer. Move on, get a life and have fun with friends. Stop thinking you're not of value. You are. A lot of people love you and appreciate you and you shouldn't limit yourself to depending on what he thinks. He's not the only person in your life. Stop feeling inferior or ugly. People say otherwise. You should find someone who is worthy of your love and appreciates who you are. You will end up hurting yourself even more if you keep this up.

Also, stop being jealous of her. You're not in a position to be and you know that quite well. Stop thinking about it all the time. It just gives you headaches and awful chest pains that you don't know why the hell it's happening. Relax and love life, please. You really need to.

Love,
Your concerned self

P.S. Continue eating and stop the constant dieting. You're not fat, okay?

in a sea of clouds

2010-07-21T02:30:00.002+09:00

I sometimes wonder what it would be like

To worry about nothing

And rest my head on clouds

Not minding a single thing

It would be probably put some life into me

Cheer me up in a unique approach

Water my thirst for rest

Because I am tired.

But if staying in the sea of clouds

meant leaving you and losing our connection

I'd rather stay tired

than forever lose everything with you.

Then again, maybe I'm tired.

no place

2010-07-20T18:47:00.000+09:00

this is not the first time

i am getting buried again

funny, i care now

but i still don't do anything.

i try to penetrate your bubble

with things you love

you don't mind

because you don't know.

you don't know

because i have no place

i have no place

in a life you call yours.

For you, because you continue to ignore me. And maybe this time, it hurts.

because i've lost the ability to play with words tonight

2010-07-15T00:27:00.002+09:00

And just because I miss you and I know that you'll love me forever because I know a person who never will. This is my consolation. :)

Smile on my face

2010-07-11T22:50:00.000+09:00

It's been a while since I saw a smile on my face.
I'm not losing anything.
The desire burns inside me still.
I'm sorry if you don't like it.

I will continue to nurse the feelings I have for you.
I will because I still can.
In my mind and my heart,
I know I still love all of you.

And because you're worth it, I won't give you up just yet.

I Thought You Said Summer Is Going To Take the Pain Away

2010-07-01T00:18:00.002+09:00

*credits to Hello Saferide

The love I felt/feel for you is the most wonderful thing that I ever experienced.

notes in the sand

2010-06-27T20:23:00.002+09:00

Write

What I want to tell you in the sand

Careful strokes

because I want it to stay forever

Happy

because I know you'll keep it forever

You won't forget

my notes in the sand

Then came the waves

erasing what I worked hard for

I look at you with

tears in my eyes

You poured water on my notes in the sand.

Illusions

2010-06-26T23:11:00.002+09:00

In my mind there are countless images

Vivid, defined, surreal.

I hold your hand and you smile.

If I held it tighter, you wouldn't mind.

I must be sick in the head

for seeing you when I'm not supposed to.

Images. I can only see images.

Illusions, if you must put it that way.

I am still holding on.

I am still here.

I am still giving.

But I need to let go.

vertigo

2010-06-20T15:02:00.002+09:00

I am standing on the edge of a cliff ready to fall.

There was a rope around my waist, which I quickly removed.

I look down, hoping someone might catch me.

I was hoping it would be you.

I smile because you are there.

And then begin to laugh at myself

because you turned away

When you saw me.

Beautiful sights are waiting for me.

And I still choose to fall beyond the cliff

even if no one will embrace my fall

because I do not want emptiness.

Fall even if there is nothing to fall on.

2010-06-18T01:19:00.001+09:00

I never thought that removing you from my system would cause this much damage.

I feel lost and confused and I don't like it. I wish I had a magic lamp to wish you away and not make me suffer.

I succumb. I have no idea, no clue on what I'm doing. :|

snap

2010-06-16T01:36:00.004+09:00

A Picture of You

It's funny that I have an amalgam of emotions whenever you come to mind. There are waves of joy, lines of anger and circles of a certain four-letter word. I look at myself in the mirror and all I imagine is your eyes staring back at me. As I leave for school, I am searching for an indication, any sign that you're around. All I get is a picture of you in my head. I am in no control of the environment, I simply go with what my mind is cruising to. I sway with my emotions crashing to the rocks of uncertain possibilities.

I know I should stop. And stop I will, when I finally erase that picture of you.

suddenly

2010-06-15T22:58:00.001+09:00

Suddenly I wanted to be near you.

Suddenly I didn't care.

then and now

2010-05-31T23:45:00.001+09:00

Then, I knew what I felt for you.

Now, I don't know anything anymore.

my last letter to you

2010-05-25T12:09:00.002+09:00

Hey,

This will be my last letter to you. I've realized that I will never ever be good enough for you and no matter how much effort I put in, you will never like me. I'm not sorry that I felt something for you, because I believe that in some way, you changed me for the better. You taught me to love myself even more because not everyone will give me the love and attention that I will crave for and deserve. Thank you for giving me roughly 10 months of pain, joy and unrequited love. Thank you for being there when I didn't need you. Thank you for not replying to my text messages and only attempting to text me when I was so close to forgetting you. Thank you for coming at the wrong time. Thank you for giving me false hope that I almost always depended on. Thank you for making me look stupid in I-can't-count-anymore-because-it's-too-many times. Thanks for letting me depend on your opinions, when I shouldn't have. Thanks for the stories you told me. Thanks for sometimes sharing your life with me, even though I know you think I'm not worthy to hear it. Thanks for using me to continuously build your confidence, while I get left with none. Thank you for everything you wanted and everything I didn't get.

Sorry that I wasn't good enough for you. Sorry that I could never match up to the girls you wanted. Sorry that I'm stupid at times. I'm sorry that I make no sense at all because that's what I am when I'm with you. Sorry for being ugly or fat. Sorry for having fat legs or too many pimples or scars or anything that you don't like about me.

I wanted your love, but I don't anymore. I don't want to be stuck with a person who wouldn't appreciate me.

This is who I am. And I'm getting over you. FINALLY.

One Night

2010-05-20T20:20:00.003+09:00

One night.

I put everything in my hands.

It was heavy and I didn't want to carry it while I walked.

And suddenly, I couldn't hold it any longer.

You slipped from my hands

and I felt the cold space where you once were.

And you were moving fast.

I tried to catch you...

And then you vanished.

my thoughts on the upcoming Philippine Elections 2010

2010-05-09T11:29:00.002+09:00

Something to think about for this day.
Yesterday was the last official day for campaigns. It is now time for the people to decide who is the best for the jobs, may it be your local government officials or your senators. The most crucial people probably would have to decide on is their Presidential candidate. It is vital because anyone who will sit in the highest position in the country can make or break our country.

I call upon the voters who will exercise their right to vote for who they BELIEVE is COMPETENT, an EXCELLENT track record and has very GOOD morals. Vote for someone who you know has proven himself worthy of the presidency. Vote for someone who has done something, continues to do something and will DEFINITELY do something.

Do not be blinded by emotions and practice reason in voting for your candidates.

May the best men win. :)

today

2010-05-07T23:13:00.002+09:00

The wind whispers as I walk the dead road to you
this is not foreign to me.
I have walked this road a million times
but today the trip is different.

The smell of the once blooming flowers are repugnant.
I stop and it is the same all around.
No beautiful and tall trees nor is there
the weird shaped clouds that I find so unique.

If it was any other day but today,
I would have burst out in rage.

But it is today,
and all I see are rotten fruits, unpleasant flowers,
lifeless animals and the seemingly chipped road
to you.

Just because it is today.

*A special thanks to Ate Ish! You are an angel. <3 Thank you for always reading my blog.

A Letter to Myself

2010-04-29T19:22:00.002+09:00

Dear Me,

My self-esteem has finally hit its all-time low today. I feel fat and ugly and miserable. I noticed that on my way to school and I couldn't help but feel depressed. Ever since I started college, my self-esteem started to drop.

You, can do something about this. But you are clearly not. I will allow you to sulk for the meantime, but as soon as you can get your feet back on the ground, you will emerge as the beautiful butterfly that you are, even if you think you're not.

Save yourself.

Love, Me

...

2010-04-25T21:38:00.000+09:00

After a year, I realized that nothing will happen and if I believed in destiny, I'd say we were not meant to be.

loss

2010-04-03T22:52:00.002+09:00

I feel like I know you and then I don't.

I feel I understand you and then I don't.

I feel you

and then I'm not sure anymore.

I feel you slipping out of my mind.

I desperately try

I scream and cry

And you are out.

You smile.

I...

struck

2010-04-03T19:12:00.002+09:00

I wake up and it's your face that greets me.

In no less than 3 words, you ask it.

I think it's you, but you are covered.

My eyes form the image that it's you.

I am wrong.

You do not care for me.

Nor have you ever loved me.

I keep hoping, it's destroying me.

Hang on, the voice tells me.

You can make it, it shouts.

How can I make it?

If I will never be sure it's you.

uncertainties

2010-03-29T11:33:00.003+09:00

i am an acrobat

waiting for my turn

slowly and gently releasing

but i grip on tightly once in a while

i am a dreamer

waiting for a goal

slowly and gently reaching out

but i fall back down once in a while

i am a tree

waiting for sunshine

slowly and gently swaying

but i close my eyes once in a while

i am me

waiting for you

slowly and gently loving

but i crumble every time.

is there a right term?

2010-03-25T01:14:00.002+09:00

You looked divine.

My eyes are clouded with darkness.

Darkness because I cannot fully understand.

Why do you keep hurting me?

On and on I say the things I can't speak

The things I should be saying to you are vast.

What can I do?

Please let me know.

You speak to me

and I don't reply.

I'm clouded by the darkness.

I wish you didn't hurt me.

elsewhere

2010-03-16T23:30:00.000+09:00

I could have sworn that I did not see it coming.

I do not know for certain what I still feel for you.

The endless roads seemed to be moving

in various directions, in endless paths.

The journey was both ours

I wish you saw me that way

We were both in the same cloud

But your heart is elsewhere.

I look at you a certain way,

There is no greater feeling in the world

than to have you close

To have you here.

Your heart is elsewhere.

A Letter For You (among so many letters I continue to write in my head)

2010-03-04T22:18:00.003+09:00

I want to give up.

I want to stop being wrapped up in a world where I know what I want happens. What are the odds of me getting what I would love to have?

You sit in a corner and I notice you. I could never ignore your stance, the way you dressed today, your shoes, your smile and that adorable thing you just can't seem to shake off. I'm not as observant as you, I realize that. However, you continue to amaze me with everything that may not be as cute as to other people.

I want to tell you that it's cute when you laugh hard, it's amazing when you call my name, it's relaxing and stressing at the same time when you put your arms around me and for once, I feel important to you.

I'd love to hear you breathe. In and out, in and out. If I could just stay to hold your hand for a minute and tell you what my entire being thinks of you. Just to let you know, you are DIFFERENT. You are SPECIAL. You are INSANE. You are FUNNY. You are CORNY. You are SMART. You are EVERYTHING that I did not EXPECT. And still, YOU ARE NOT MINE.

Someday, I will take the risk. Jump to you even if that could mean jumping and staying on the moon with you, I'd do it. I'd climb mountains for you, I'd eat pork for you, I'd do everything you want me to.

Pathetic. I'm pathetic.

In love. I'm in love.

I'm pathetic and in love. :(

step

2010-03-04T22:13:00.003+09:00

A piece.

A one of a kind warrior.

Ready to fight, willing to sacrifice.

And so it is.

A square.

Everything is reachable.

And so I stay.

Wrapped up in a bubbly world, I stay.

Mistaken. Too much error.

I cry over the little things.

The piece has to take a step.

Should I still stay?

magnetism

2010-03-01T17:58:00.002+09:00

We start with silence.

I hide the butterflies in my stomach.

I hide the over-the-top smile struggling to show on my face.

I brush my hair slightly.

I am ready.

You play with your phone.

You take a glimpse of me.

You think I didn't see you glancing.

I'm glad that you did.

Endless banters.

Interesting stories.

Yet still no attraction.

We're both on the same side of the magnet.

We end with silence.

Journey

2010-02-28T21:31:00.002+09:00

Where do we go from here?

Jumbled mumbled out of this world words

Two steps forward, 8 steps backward.

Listens intently as you speak the words

the words she can't understand or so she says.

Truth is, she can.

Wrapped up in a web of ideas

Intertwined in what-ifs

Refuses to just accept it.

Hold out your hand.

Give her one last squeeze.

As if saying, "Goodbye, I'm sorry that we can never be."

And then it collapses.

differences

2010-02-07T01:45:00.002+09:00

Clear and distinct

I can feel it

Different sides

Different stories

WE ARE DIFFERENT.

That's why you just can't seem to love me-

even though you can.

no difference

2010-02-04T00:45:00.001+09:00

you looked at me today and you asked me a question.

you didn't look at me the same way.

i didn't look at you the same way i used to.

goodbye old you.

hello new you.

this breaks my heart.

End?

2010-01-31T20:58:00.001+09:00

Somehow it's different. I feel enlightened, vigorous and happy. At the same time, I feel stressed, depressed and jaded.

HELP. I'm ALIVE.

innocence

2010-01-31T20:36:00.002+09:00

She may never get to feel the pains of the world yet.
The face will still remain the same, knowing of only Mom and Dad
to cry on. Soon, she'll realize that
there are things greater than what Mom and Dad can perish.
Soon the face will change. Everything will change in her eyes.

P.S. I had fun taking pictures of my godchild/favorite cousin. HAPPY 1st birthday Ella!

so it goes on

2010-01-30T23:47:00.002+09:00

In a weird kind of way, I am very cheerful today.
I am because I can be.
No need to ruin anything.
I will be happy.

And so explains the face.

just because it's Saturday

2010-01-30T09:48:00.004+09:00

A big thanks to the shutting down of operations of Haloscan, my former comment box. Now, Google is my comment box. Back from the start.

TGIF?

2010-01-29T23:50:00.002+09:00

Dig deep into the abyss
My mind is yours
Search the pit
My heart is yours

Open a cave
My secrets are yours
Look high and low in the rubble
My passion is yours

Take a deep breath
Until I can say
I cannot say
You, love are not mine.

infinity

2010-01-28T01:57:00.002+09:00

Pain. Absence of pleasure.

Pain. Absence of you.

cake

2010-01-27T01:19:00.000+09:00

Cake.

Moist, warm, delicious.

Everything you've ever wished for.

Everything you've ever wanted.

Yes, you can savor it.

Yes, you can take it.

Yes, smell the sweet aroma.

No, I am not your piece of cake.

And it hurts that I want you

Take all of me

Take everything

And still, I am not your piece of cake.

Circles

2010-01-18T00:11:00.000+09:00

There was never a beginning

There will never be an ending

Pointless things are running.

This isn’t worth anything.

This won’t be worth anything for you,

But it’s everything for me.

If

2010-01-17T23:43:00.002+09:00

If you could greet me,

I'd be smiling ear to ear.

If you could smile at me,

I'd be blushing, oh dear.

If you could look at me,

I'd be melting slowly.

If you could hold me,

I'd be smiling gently.

If I could never let you go,

I would take you in my arms

And hold you tight.

Forget what the world needs.

If you could love me,

I'd be wanting you and only you.

And I won't be drowning in ifs,

until I can't drown anymore.

true

2010-01-15T02:10:00.001+09:00

The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person.

-Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

For a few days

2010-01-11T14:28:00.004+09:00

She cried like no tomorrow on the night that she saw you. For a few days, she's been feeling a lot lonelier but she felt like she had to go through this stage to finally forget you. For a few days, she could feel the victory rising in her, not from the fact that she no longer saw you, but the fact that she refused to see you. For a few days, she felt like she had control over her life and she could be someone who doesn't need to impress you, to be someone worthy of you or to prove herself to you. For a few days, she was herself again, only sadder. She admits that she is going through a process where she doesn't know what to think anymore and it's eating her that she can't manipulate her life and take control of the wheel. Somehow, you just affect her in every way.

On that night that she saw you, she couldn't sleep. She kept replaying that night. She kept replaying how you looked, how you laughed, what you wore and she realized that no matter how hard she keeps pushing herself to forget you, she never does. She lay awake thinking, "Why do you have to keep manipulating my feelings?" She asked herself that question over and over again. She never found the answer.

For a few days, she thought she was over it. She laughed at how she was so lovesick and how she almost looked like a fool. That night, all of her surrendered. She is trying and she is struggling. She prays everyday for the feeling to finally run away or get lost. She realizes, of course that it is not an easy thing to do. For if it was that easy, no one would be nursing broken hearts and no one would be crying themselves to sleep.

She knows it will never happen and that is why she pushes herself to move forward. She is a strong girl. She knows she can do it. She knows one day, she'll be looking at you and not feel the same intense feeling that's binding her now.

It was good to know, that even just for a few days, the feeling was gone.

glass

2010-01-09T22:58:00.002+09:00

I looked away
I took cover
I hid like a child
afraid of something she knows nothing of.

I can always hide...
but you see, I can never run away.
I'm bound and locked
Locked forever.

Please let me be.
Please. Please. Let me be.

always

2010-01-08T00:37:00.002+09:00

Buttons

Tear the tiny threads

stuck to it

You can go slowly but surely

Careful

I'll cut the ties

Try to cut slowly

I want to still hold on

Lie

I want you

I don't want to let go

But I have to.

Merry Christmas darling.

2009-12-27T00:50:00.002+09:00

Merry Christmas.

The secret's out
Or so she silently ponders
Would you ever reciprocate?
Or would you just leave her with no words?

She silently waits
Wonders if she should just forget
Should she?
Or should she blow the dream away?

You surprised her.
One thing from you she never expected
And with five meaningful words
Her Christmas started to exist.

hey

2009-12-23T00:10:00.002+09:00

One guy I know who will always love me. At least for now. :)

love letter 4

2009-12-19T00:46:00.004+09:00

I stopped counting.

I stopped counting of the days when I would finally get to hold your soft arms.

I stopped looking.

I stopped looking at the things that remind me of you.

I stopped believing.

I stopped believing that I was something special.

I stopped everything that may be you.

That doesn't mean I stopped loving you.

love letter 3

2009-12-19T00:32:00.000+09:00

In my mind, there are countless reasons as to why I shouldn't keep doing this.

In my head, there are a million reasons as to why I should forget this.

In my thoughts, there are a lot of reasons as to why I should stop.

I NEVER CAN.

I could only hope.

I could only wish.

I could only pray.

Merry Christmas to you. I hope you're happy.

love letter 2

2009-12-17T02:26:00.002+09:00

Hello again.

You look stressed. It seems like you never have time for yourself. I look at you and think of various ways to ease your pain. I wish I could do something to make you feel happy this Christmas. I remember someone asking me, "What would be my Christmas Wish for you?"

You know what I would answer?

I wish you weren't so stressed.

I wish you could laugh hard again.

I wish you didn't have doubts on your abilities.

I wish you could rest even for a bit.

I wish you could be happy.

There are many things that I'd like to say to you. I'd like to tell you how I feel. I still can't.

My Christmas Wish?

I wish I could get STEAL you from this world and create our own. Don't mind what other people are thinking. I love you and that is all that matters.

And you still wouldn't love me back and that is the matter.

Would it still matter?

I can't.

A realization

2009-12-01T23:49:00.002+09:00

After countless contemplations and meditations, I finally realized that I am a coward. A big fat coward.

I keep on hiding my feelings to myself and I guess now, it isn't healthy. Or I tell my friends but never tell the person involved how I feel. And I should. But I can't.

I'm a big COWARD.

I guess I'm only strong when faced with some kind of barrier. I can say things I mean in messages, emails or texts.

To you:

I'm sick of feeling this way and I don't know if there's something that's going to come out of it. I may be full of pride, I may not notice you when you're around, but know that it's only because I want you to approach me and tell me something I want to hear. I understand it's demanding. And I know I don't have any right to ask you of this. I feel frustrated with myself and not with you anymore. I continue to neglect myself, but nurture my feelings for you.

I want to give up. And I will.

I will someday.

Know that I love you even though I can never tell you.

I wrote you a love letter.

2009-11-24T21:51:00.003+09:00

I miss you.

I envy the people who spend so much time with you. I try to know you more just so I can feel closer to you. I feel so deprived of understanding you.

Every word you tell me, may it be good or bad are always stamped in my mind. IT'S UNFAIR. People tell me I shouldn't. That I should just stop the nonsense. You're a bad idea. The again, I love bad ideas. Maybe that's the reason why I can never leave you in my own world where you and I are the only inhabitants. It's too selfish, and I should know better. However, I can't stop myself.

I wish I could just say, "I think I like you." That would be lying to myself. Let me say I love you. I have never felt this way with anyone. Most of the time when I'm with you, you make me laugh. You never fail to tease me about something I do or something's wrong with my face. I always try to act cool, even though my insides are tingling. You make those cute faces when you look at me and although I pretend not to be amused, I really love looking at that face. I love the fact that I find it hard to read your personality. I love how you hug me tight as if you never want to let go. I love how you are so intelligent. I love how you know my mood. I love how you have this certain effect on me that even I can't explain. It may not show, but these are the things that I am thankful that you show me.

I wish I could match up to you so you could finally notice that I am not a child. I can surely understand you if you just let me.

I don't know the reason why you treat me differently than others. It hurts me in a way. I never know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Do you treat me differently because I'm special? Or do you treat me differently because you don't want to show me the real you? It boggles my mind and I never fail to think of you over and over again. It hurts my mind and my heart, but I don't mind the pain. I chose to love you, but I will never regret that choice. It hurts like hell when I see you hugging someone else. I will take the pain because despite the pain my love for you makes me happier than anyone I know. I've started to sing again and write poetry again. I may sound like a lovesick fool, but I don't care as long as through this I'll finally tell you how I feel. I know you will never ever learn to love me, but I love you. I love you. I love you. I could say it a million times and you could push me away a million times, but I will never falter. I love you so much my heart hurts, but I don't give a damn because loving you made me the happiest I've been in years.

Janine :)

KAKAIBANG SARAP AT LIGAYA :)

2009-11-14T18:49:00.000+09:00

Anong makukuha mo sa halagang P69. 50? KAKAIBANG SARAP AT LIGAYA. UP DILIMAN PREMIERE OF 69 1/2 Starring Nicco Manalo, Katherine Luna, Jao Mapa, Bituin Escalante, Tado. December 8, 2009 * 5pm & 7pm * UP Film Institute (Cine Adarna) Hatid ng UP Sirkulo ng mga Kabataang Artista (SIKAT)

Text 0917 733 1325 for tickets.

Listen to what the mouth's not saying.

2009-11-13T22:32:00.001+09:00

When she texts you, it is because she misses you. When she doesn't text you, it doesn't mean she doesn't miss you. It means she's waiting for you to miss her.

i'm okay

2009-11-08T08:54:00.002+09:00

I realized that with my past posts that I'm making people worry. Don't worry I am fine. I 'm just going through something confusing this past few weeks and now, I guess I feel better.

Christmas is coming so I'm posting my new wishlist for Christmas.

emotional baggage

2009-10-26T23:26:00.002+09:00

Yes, I am not fine. I've decided that the first few days of sem break was a good thing for me. It made me get away from the one thing that's been bothering me these past few days. I couldn't stop myself from wondering if my feelings were genuine, or was I merely allowing myself go with the flow of it all just because I loved the drama? My mind's split and in my head are illusions of what could be, what might be and what is not. There are reasons why I chose to feel like this, and although a lot of people may stop me, I can't help it. Bang my head on the wall, I still wouldn't stop. Beneath this silly façade, is my heart in the open, vulnerable as a fish out of water. Strip me of this, you will see me struggling to survive. That's how it is.

I wish I could say all this, instead of piling it up. I wish I could speak the words I've been longing to say. I wish I could stop pretending. I wish I could make you happy. Just for a while.

If only for a while.
What if I keep holding on to you? Would you keep me safe?

Would I still be safe if I hold on? Or would you break away and then let me fall?
Please let me decide and stop my nonsense.

Every time

2009-10-23T22:44:00.003+09:00

Every time I step out, take a glimpse of the sky, I remember you. Every step that I take, every road that I walk on, I remember you. Every cloud, every color, every raindrop, I remember you.

Every time I ride a vehicle, I think of you. Every key that I type, I think of you. Every eye that I meet, I think of you. Every waking moment of the day, I think of you.

Every time you smile, I hold on.

Every time your eyes look at mine, I smile.

Every time you hug me tight, my heart jumps.

Every time you stand next to me, my insides tingle.

How could I feel something that I know is strong and will eventually break me down?

Every time I think of you, do you think of me too?

Facade

2009-10-15T01:16:00.002+09:00

I'm keeping something from you. I'm hiding something from all of you. You don't know it, nor will you ever know it. There is something inside of me that is slowly hurting me, killing me, eventually destroying my inner self albeit I like the feeling. I like feeling this way amongst other things. When can I finally stop enjoying feelings that will be my ultimate destruction?

Would it be effective if I just slash my wrists and never look the same again? Would that lessen the pain a bit?

Stop me. I don't know what to do.

If only

2009-10-11T15:56:00.003+09:00

If only I could keep
you, your heart
safe in my hands
If only

If only I could stop acting,
pretending that I'm not hurt
I don't have to want
you, but I do.

Would you hold
my heart if I gave it to you?
If only you could keep
my gift.

You don't want to.
But I keep
hoping, praying that someday
you will. If only.

i'm back

2009-10-11T15:41:00.002+09:00

I've always loved autumn. The leaves are turning into different colors and all you get to see are pretty leaves falling, eventually dropping to the ground and moving to a place we don't even bother to think of. I only got to experience autumn ONCE.

Just like those moments I only got to experience ONCE and never had the chance to experience it all over again. If only we could be rewind and stop the moments that you want to cherish forever, ay, I would be the happiest girl in the world.

After autumn always comes winter. Winter had a huge impact on me. I didn't like the cold, the shivers and the layers of clothing you had to wear just to keep you insulated. The darkness of winter never appealed to me. Just like the past experiences that I would never want to happen again. If I could delete it just like in a computer, never to hear from it again, again, I would become the happiest girl in the world.

Of course, we cannot rewind, repeat and stop the moments we have in everyday life. We just have to go with the seasons, may it be autumn or winter.